Rheanna Martinez - Photos and Interview

Mother Stories

S.F. Mama Rheanna Martinez On Co-Parenting, Working In Tech, & More

Written by Erin Feher

Photography by Aubrie Pick

Feb 12, 2019

Rheanna Martinez thinks there is no better way to figure out if you like something than by giving it a try. She was five-months pregnant when she decided to trade a career in politics and life in Washington D.C. for a job at a tech start-up in the Bay Area (the OG photo-filter app, Hipstamatic)—a professional move that eventually led to her current position as a global brand manager at Facebook. Hunting for the perfect neighborhood to raise her daughter, she settled for stints in industrial West Oakland and slow San Luis Obispo before finding the right fit in San Francisco’s Mission District. Likewise, she and her child’s father experimented with various iterations of partnership before finding their groove as successful co-parents to Paloma, their precocious (and highly photogenic) five-year-old daughter. Read all about it as Rheanna invites us into her colorful, cozy, city flat and talks about trying new things, working in tech, and making it work as a single mama.

: "I was living on the Central Coast, in San Luis Obispo, for about a year and a half. While I loved my idyllic life there, I was traveling back to the city nearly every weekend and always had my heart set on coming back when the time was right. One day I got a call from Paloma’s former nanny that there was a for-rent sign in a window across the street—this was on a block that my daughter basically grew up on. I drove up that weekend to see the place. It needed serious work; it was a bare bones apartment with cobwebs and appliances that didn’t work. But it had two bedrooms, a backyard, and lots of potential. I immediately signed, mostly because the block always felt like home. When I actually got the keys, I thought I was crazy. The place needed so much work. But we’ve been here a little over a year and I see no reason to leave anytime soon."

: "Bohemian, feminine, a bit intimate, and whimsical."

The Paloma teeter totter, plants from Léon and George, and sofa by IKEA.

: "My brother did. As much as I could, as a renter. But he’s incredible; he drove up from L.A. to build me a custom kitchen and then changed all the lighting. Before him, my kitchen was nothing—just an open room with a refrigerator and an oddly placed stove. I’d love to knock down a few walls and change the doors to bring in more sunlight, but again, I’m a renter."

Rheanna wears a Mara Hoffman dress. Paloma wears a Cat & Jack jumper.

: "I look for what makes me feel happy, what brings me some sense of joy. I have a lot of pieces that are made by my brother and my mother, as well as small memorable items from travels and experiences. I really cherish the things I buy. I rarely buy things online just because I usually look for things I love, and keep things that have good memories associated."

: "This is definitely the best room in the house considering that it gets the most sunlight. So much so, that I’ve considered making it my bedroom several times. There isn’t much vision, honestly. My sofa wouldn’t fit through the front door and narrow hallway, so I got a temporary smaller one. I love that it’s pink. I also love the color green, so I started incorporating it into the room with plants, curtains, and pillows. I bought the big fluffy wool rug immediately after a sound healing session. I woke up and had no recollection of buying it. The ceilings are tall and I haven’t found the perfect art for these walls yet. But I’m having a custom portrait done of me and Paloma by Jaxon Northon that will go up soon. Until then, it’s light and airy—the kind of room you want to nap in on a sunny day with a slight breeze."

: Messes are prettier with toys like these.

"The Paloma teeter totter of course. This is the original; the first one that my brother Derek made for Paloma as a surprise Christmas present. I’m also in love with these amazingly plush and down-filled apple-colored pillows. The plants—many of them are from Léon and George. The one piece of art on the wall was done by Paloma. The Acapulco chair next to the window is my favorite place to sit and read."

"I try to keep most of Paloma’s things in her spaces, but we pull out her favorite items in some of the rooms. Doing so also helps to teach organization and that everything has a place in the house. My brother built her a creative nook, so she felt like she could still have her own special space and some of her favorite things in the middle of the common area."

Living room shelfie.

"Her room is definitely the whimsical and colorful room of the house. The walls are full of her artwork and she loves rearranging her accessories, stuffed animals, and dolls. Her dad and I always try to pick up a new handmade doll when we travel to a new country. Most of the books on her shelf have handwritten notes inside from friends and family. Her bedding and the pom poms are all from Sayulita. My brother made her bed. My mom made her tent. I really want her room to feel like a fun place to play, and a happy and comforting place to sleep."

"I love watching her grow and learn and develop an understanding for the world around her. I think it’s completely fascinating and amazing. I love the way she squeezes my hand, looks up at me and tells me she loves me—it’s a love like none other in the world. I feel truly honored to be able to be her mother, and support her as she becomes an incredible woman."

Rheanna wears a white linen dress from Mexico. Paloma wears a 2-piece from The Dopple and an Ultra Violet Kids turban.

"I want her to grow up being empathetic and kind. That’s a difficult thing to teach. The best you can do is lead by example and bring life lessons along with you as you go."

"Paloma Amina. We didn’t have a name for her for five days. At some point in our hospital stay, I remembered the song playing while she was born and for whatever reason, decided to look up the lyrics. It was a Little Dragon song, 'After the Rain.' In it, she sings about a thousand doves flying across the blackened night sky. Paloma means dove. It was also a name that we both had written down as a top choice. It all felt unexpectedly symbolic and at that moment we decided to name her Paloma. Her middle name is after her grandmother, Amina Wadud, who is an incredibly inspiring philosopher and feminist. It’s also an Arabic name and means trustworthy."

"Paloma is five (five and a half, if you ask her). She’s ridiculously outgoing and loves to explore the city on her scooter and talk to everyone we meet. She usually asks to spend Saturdays making multiple stops at her favorite shops around the neighborhood and playing at the park. We’ll often go miniature golfing or ice skating. At home, we tell a lot of stories, play board games, have tea parties, bake cakes, and read chapter books. I don't have TV in my house, which really opens up time for creativity and sharing more time together."

"She was a surprise pregnancy for us, so we decided to find out the baby's sex because we said we didn’t need any more surprises. I don’t recall caring deeply either way though. Now that I have a daughter, I wouldn't want it any other way. We have a really special bond. And I’m excited to raise her as an empowered woman who believes that there are no limits to what she can do."

"I'm not sure. When I was younger, I was incredibly ambitious and focused on my career. I think I always knew I would be a mother, but I wasn’t anxiously waiting or planning. When I became pregnant, I instantly knew and felt that I was ready."

"Paloma was a surprise pregnancy. I was on birth control. But we had just become licensed as foster parents, so I feel like the universe took that as a sign that we were ready. My pregnancy was actually really wonderful. So much so, that I feel guilty talking about it because I don't want other women to feel like that's real life for everyone. I just felt so lucky and at no point did I have any complications, morning sickness or discomfort. I was still hosting events and wearing heels at eight months pregnant. I was even working in a nightclub doing bottle service up until five months. Having a belly rounds out rolls and love handles and I just felt so sexy and confident as a pregnant woman. But again, that's not usually real life. Her birth became complicated quickly. We were planning for a natural birth but her heart rate kept dropping, and even more so with each contraction. And then mine did the same. I think I briefly lost consciousness. I remember the nurses joking early on that everything was okay until five or more of them ran into the room. And then that happened. There were no operating rooms available, and I remember everyone trying to make fast action plans. I ended up having a very emergency c-section and discovered that she had the cord around her neck three times. Everything was okay in the end, and I don't remember being worried—but that was quite traumatic for Paloma's dad."

Paloma's dreamy bed doubles as a jungle gym.

"I didn’t. I quit my job in D.C. and moved to California when I was about five months pregnant. I decided to start freelancing with my friends, who own Hipstamatic. When I had Paloma, I was fortunate enough to be able to take it easy and work as I needed and wanted because I worked with friends. I ended up working with a newborn, but it's because I felt supported to make my own choices and I really enjoyed what I was doing."

"The kitchen was one big open room, with an oddly placed stove and refrigerator. There was no shelving or cabinets. I told my brother that I wanted it to be a casual, communal space with a high top in the center for gathering around—a space where I could cook and entertain people at the same time. He sketched out the space, made a few custom pieces, drove up from L.A. with materials, and built this out for me in a day. I spend most of my time in this room, often with the back door open to bring in natural light, as well as the sounds of romantic Spanish music from my neighbors."

Rheanna wears a Proenza Schouler skirt and Minkpink top. Paloma wears a dress from the Dopple and Baby Cats of California pants.

"There are so many small details that I love. If you look at the woodwork, there are unique and intentional details in the way the wood is cut and placed together. He told me that he traded a Paloma teeter totter in exchange for the wood, with a guy named Happy from South Central L.A. I have several ceramic bowls that my mother made. I really love the photos on my fridge."

"While it’s easy to say ‘single mother’ I want to clarify that I’m also a co-parenting mother. Paloma’s dad and I are still very close and we have a really wonderful and kind co-parenting relationship. We talk daily, we have flexible schedules with each other, and we support each other in every way we can. But it’s certainly challenging being the only parent running a household. You can’t rely on someone to help pick up the slack. I often say that I have to cook, clean, manage the household, take my daughter to and from school, show up at all of the parent and school events and kid parties, and at the same time, work a very demanding full-time job that sometimes requires late nights and early mornings. If something comes up last minute, I have to find a quick babysitter or call in a favor with family and friends. I don’t have the easy in-home partner support to lean on, for anything. I literally do all of the heavy lifting by myself. What’s changed the most though? Figuring out how to do it all by myself. Balancing my schedule and knowing that I’ll likely have a mini side-kick in anything and everything I do—even going out for dinners with friends."

"Not getting overwhelmed. It’s easy to get wrapped up in how hard it is to do everything. Once you allow yourself to feel overwhelmed, it’s like more and more keeps coming. I prefer to take it one thing at a time and not let the daily responsibilities of being a single parent consume me. Sometimes you want another adult to lean on, and that's when it's important to have close friends a call away."

Happy campers.

"We have a very kind, respectful, and collaborative relationship. We realize that although we're not together, we are still bound forever. We talk almost daily. We share updates on Paloma. We make plans to show up together to her school events and activities. We have a flexible schedule with each other and we communicate honestly to make sure each other are feeling heard and respected in everything. I’m very grateful to be raising a daughter with him."

"She was two-and-a-half, still a bit too young to really have a discussion about what was happening. I made a point to talk about how mommy and daddy were living in separate houses but still loved each other. Because we did. It was really difficult for all of us the first year. She spent a lot of nights crying asking for daddy. And she spent a lot of nights with him crying and asking for mommy. She didn’t understand why we didn’t all live together and often asked us to live in the same house. It was really hard for me. I had a lot of breakdowns over it and wondered if it was the right decision seeing how hard it was on her. At some point, I decided to talk more openly and honestly with her. I would tell her that daddy and mommy didn’t live together because we weren’t as happy living together—that we had separate houses, and that made us happier and more loving. We also told her that she could go to either one whenever she wanted. I made a calendar for her to visually see dad days and mom days. It didn’t help that I lived hours away from her dad, making it more difficult to jump in the car and see each other on a whim. We actually had to schedule it out and stick to it. There were a lot of late night phone calls and FaceTimes. Lots of late nights spent with her crying on the phone. She understands now, but we still talk about it often. She is more understanding of the reality of us not being happy living together, and she likes to talk about having two houses. But she asks us to do things together as a family, and she still asks if we can all live in the same house together. It’s definitely hard. I wonder at what point will she accept that this is the way it is, or if she'll continue asking and hoping."

"I’ve never actually thought about this. There are no movies or books that come to mind. We decided to try to have the hard conversations ourselves and not look for outside resources to help us. Maybe we should have! Now, I can see that these conversations happen more regularly in school. Her school is really wonderful and talks about different types of families all the time."

"I’m flexible. I’m not on a strict schedule. I don’t follow any parenting styles or books. I trust my own instincts and I try to teach values in all that we do. I think that all helps me live a bit more freely and go with the flow and unexpectedness of being a parent. I also think it teachers my daughter resiliency."

"My parents divorced when I was four. I spent weekdays with my mom and weekends with my dad. On the weekends, I’d spend some time at the office with my dad but we’d also try to do as many fun things as possible. He moved to California when I was younger. Meanwhile, my mom struggled. She worked hard so that we didn’t have to know just how hard she was working. She cleaned houses by day and worked in a bar at night. There were times when we didn’t have much food to eat and we’d go to the local church to pick up a bag of canned goods. I remember the electricity going off, and storing food in the snow outside. I definitely spent my summers cleaning very wealthy houses with her. I was in charge of the glass and dusting. But once I was done, I’d play their grand pianos and read books. My upbringing has certainly shaped much of my perspective in life—my work ethic, gratitude, and empathy. I'm very fortunate to be where I am, and I feel incredibly privileged now. But it is interesting dichotomy from where I've been. I often find myself far more comfortable talking to our kitchen and cleaning crew at work than I do my colleagues."

"Take it one day at a time. Remind yourself that you’re incredible and you can do it. You are about to birth a human. That's completely and totally amazing in itself. It’s OK to take time for yourself, you deserve it. It's OK to try the tips from the books. It’s also OK to stare at your child and feel over the moon in love and want to throw every single parenting book out the window and just do what you think feels right."

"I have more advice than I can fit in this interview. If possible, keep a kind and respectful relationship with the other parent. Communicate often about yourselves, your needs from the co-parenting journey, and what you both notice in your child’s growth and development and emotional needs. But also know that you cannot control another person or their parenting style; you have to consider what you need in order to live your best life as a single parent. Put yourself and your child first. Don’t be so eager to start dating right away. Cherish the time with just you and your child; use that time to feel and heal from your divorce or separation, find some peace and clarity in the healing journey, and help your child do the same too. If you need to ask others for support, don't be afraid to do it. There are times that it will be tough—be honest with yourself and be open with those you trust."

"So challenging. At first I had no desire to date, and then I was excited. That feeling of being single is exciting when you think about all of the potential people out there. But then it got overwhelming again, and started feeling superficial. I wasn’t really ready to date someone, nor did I want to. I didn’t want a casual fling. I wanted something meaningful and fulfilling and worth my time and energy. I give so much of myself to others, I wanted to be sure that someone would value that and not take advantage. I took quite a bit of time away from dating. I went on a few here and there, but nothing incredibly serious. At one point, I went an entire year without going on a single date. I had no desire to even try; because it felt like I would have to commit time and energy to multiple people in order to find the one who was worth it. I also don't want new men to meet my daughter, or come into my home. I try to keep the two worlds separate for as long as I can. Now, I’m finally trying to date. I think I've had enough time to myself, I feel confident in myself as a mother and as a woman. I know how to be alone. I enjoy being alone. And I'm not looking for someone to bring me purpose or fulfillment. The irony, is that now that I'm ready to date, I honestly don’t know how. I go on and off dating apps because it seems that’s the only way we meet people now. But I don’t have the time to swipe and engage in random conversations all day. I also have one or two free evenings each week, and deciding to spend that with a person who I haven’t even met yet isn’t the most appealing to me. Instead, I try to make eye contact and say hello to people in real life. But even then, there’s anxiety in telling someone I’m a mom for the first time. What do you do? Walk up to someone and say 'Hi. You're attractive. Are you single? I'm a mom. Is that OK?' I just can’t fathom how someone would suddenly be uninterested in me because of the fact that I’m a mom, when it’s such a large part of who I am and what makes me amazing. I dread that moment, even though I know it would be an easy opportunity to walk away. Anyway. Dating is challenging. I only have so much free time, and I have to decide if I want to spend that time alone by myself, with friends or family, running errands and catching up on work, or with a new random person. I’ve been doing it all solo for so long now, that they really have to bring a sense of joy and value to my life for me to give them time."

"I try not to make icons of other people. I think it puts them on an unrealistic pedestal. And honestly, I think all moms are incredible and beautiful and capable of so much. If anything, the single moms who work five jobs to make ends meet, provide their children with love and care, and somehow keep it all together are the most inspiring to me. My mom was one. Times were hard, but she made it through. That’s always been a guiding light for me in this journey."

Rheanna wears a hand-embroidered dress from Mexico. Paloma wears a Zara dress.

"I didn’t read any books all the way through. Nor did I follow any websites, blogs, or movies. I took a more personal approach and though that my maternal instincts would kick in and we would figure out what was best for me and our baby on our own. It worked. There were tough moments, but we got through it."

"I think this is a loaded question that needs to be heavily unpacked. There have been moments in our recent political and social climate that have made me think much more deeply about who I am and what's shaped me, but also what the future looks like for my daughter. First, the #metoo movement brought to light a lot of trauma that I had previously kept hidden deep inside. With so many stories being told publicly, I had moments of what I can only call PTSD. I had to write my own experiences down, purge them from my subconscious, read them, and release them. So I could say that has helped me heal, when I didn't even realize I needed healing. It also reminded me of the importance of not only teaching my daughter about consent and boundaries, but also sexual health and empowerment. The current state of the world has reminded me why it's so important to raise a strong, empowered daughter. I want her to believe in herself, and that she's worthy. I also want her to have a global mindset—to be inclusive, understanding, and willing to listen to other people's perspectives. She also needs to be aware of the realities of our social and political climates, and the hate that exists. My daughter is Black, she is Mexican, she is White. Her father is Muslim. I'm agnostic. There's a lot of hatred in this world. She needs to have open eyes in order to protect herself and others. I don't shy away from talking openly about what happens here in our country and around the world. But I try not to influence her. I want her to form her own understandings and beliefs as she grows up."

"I lead diversity and culture brand at Facebook. That means that I’m crafting creative campaigns to tell stories about the people, mission, and values at Facebook. I also have several side projects: I work with my brother on branding his business Ink & Wood, and we have the Paloma Teeter Totter together. I’m also helping a friend with a podcast about love and the sex that comes along with it."

"I’m born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and went to Marquette University for undergrad. I studied journalism and public relations, but had several internships in politics. After graduating, I moved to D.C. to manage Senator Feingold’s office on Capitol Hill, then went into education-advocacy work, and then moved to California. Here I worked for Hipstamatic, another education nonprofit, a global creative agency, and now Facebook. From high school up until I was five months pregnant, I also worked in the service industry, most recently doing bottle service in D.C. nightclubs. I worked on Capitol Hill by day and bottle service by night. Most people don’t realize how little Capitol Hill staffers are paid, so I had to find a way to survive in that city. When we moved to California, we lived in West Oakland. After we split up, I moved to San Luis Obispo for about a year and a half. And then back to San Francisco where I am now."

"I think it slowed it down a bit. I was on a very ambitious and politically focused journey. I’m not sure that I ever wanted to run for office, but I certainly wanted to stay in politics and advocacy. When I became pregnant, I moved to California and pursued a more creative path—working for Hipstamatic, doing creative brand work and writing more. That ended up being incredibly fulfilling; more than I expected. I worked from home for a bit, because it seemed more fitting for my lifestyle. But now I’m back on the grind."

"So much. Paloma’s dad is incredibly supportive of my lifestyle. My mother comes to babysit often. My brother comes to visit regularly. I have an incredible group of friends (some moms, some not) who are always offering to watch Paloma if I need them to. We have several babysitters that we call on when needed. And Paloma’s former nanny is our friend and neighbor, and almost always available if I need her."

"I’m a big believer in staying focused on the positive and not giving time to negativity. It’s a waste of energy and space. It’s challenging to juggle everything, but in it all there’s still something positive, something to be proud of, something to look forward to, and something to be grateful for. I truly believe in staying focused on those things daily. It’s important to keep a balance for yourself when trying to juggle everything, and in order to do that, it’s even more so important to communicate honestly and transparently about your realities for doing it all. Let your team know, talk to your friends about it, be honest in new relationships, even talk to your child about the realities of being a working mother and why you do it. I think if we all talk more openly about how much we’re juggling, and balance our own realities, we can stay focused on the positive."

"I think about this every day. I think about it in the interactions I have with others, the words I use, the lessons she’s learning from me, how we talk about what we see on the streets, my own self-care time, my relationship with her dad, what she knows about my work and why I work. I may be the biggest role model for her right now in life, so it’s incredibly important to me that I’m intentional about everything I do, knowing that there’s a little person watching and listening always. As she begins to form her own opinions on the world, I can only hope that I will have helped her learn to process those, even if just a bit."

Rheanna wears a Happy French Gang jumper. Paloma wears a Tucker + Tate dress.

"I feel completely fulfilled with Paloma. If she is my only child, I’m happy. However, with me being single, I’m just not sure about what the future might hold and what my heart may desire in a few years. Maybe I’ll decide I’d like another child with someone. I think if I am in a relationship with someone who would like to have a child, I'd want to be able to have the option. I’ve recently been thinking about starting the process of freezing my eggs—mostly because my company offers such an incredibly supportive benefit to help with the process. I'm just starting to learn more, but I see it as a really wonderful opportunity to be prepared for the uncertainty of the future."

"I have mom guilt when I have early and late work meetings. When I drop her off at before-care and let her stay for after-care; those are the times I feel guilty. We already have so few hours in a day together, I wish I could have more time just for us. Fortunately, she loves before- and after-care and doesn’t seem to mind, so it’s definitely my own guilt, living in my head."

"San Francisco is a beautiful city to raise a child. We have the grit and life lessons of the city, the ocean, hikes, progressive and diverse public schools, incredible food, and the ease of public transportation. We spend time with the houseless who live near us, we know our neighbors and nearly all of the restaurant and shop owners nearby. Paloma immediately recognizes different neighborhoods. We really feel like we’re a part of a tight knit community living in the Mission."

"I’m originally from Milwaukee, and then lived in Washington, D.C. before moving to California. Those places all still feel like home. I do have a bit of an inner struggle between the slower lifestyle I had in San Luis Obispo against the city life. I'd love to find a way to combine the two, so I'm starting to dream about living just outside the city. Maybe down the coast just a bit, and on the ocean. I’ve always had this vision of living in Old San Juan, Puerto Rico. Even if just for a short time. But California is truly home now, and most of my family is here."

"I love so many places. If I’m staying in the Mission, we’ll often just wander around the neighborhood. I like to support local so I’ll often shop for gifts at The Human Condition and Alley Cat Bookshop. We grab lunch from La Palma and Taqueria Vallarta. Sometimes we’ll have a fancy tea and cake date at Tartine. We often walk to Dolores Park. And I love to have dinner at Flour + Water or Sons Addition, both within just a few blocks of my house. Beyond the Mission? Take me anywhere in this city and I’m happy. A perfect day would include an ocean-side breakfast, hike around Land's End, and theatre or jazz downtown."

That mother-daughter love.

"I’ve recently tried to adopt a more feminine style. I’ve been trying to wear dresses and skirts every day, simply because it makes me feel good. I love to wear all black everything but I feel like you can only wear so many black dresses, so I’ve been stepping it up with prints and colors. This feels a bit stereotypically old-fashioned, but I love the idea of wearing dresses at home too. Most of my aunts wore dresses every single day of their lives, well into their 90s, and I always thought they seemed so effortlessly glamourous. I have several that I wear around the house now. I also prefer to sleep in nightgowns. In all of this, I love classic styles. I also love modern silhouettes and really well-crafted pieces."

"When I was pregnant and when Paloma was a baby, I’m pretty sure I wore a black maternity dress every day. I went into casual mode, and struggled to find my style. It wasn’t a priority and I was on a budget, so I also cut back on shopping. Now I’m shopping again and enjoying exploring with my personal style and the items and designers that I love."

"My staples definitely include my KaufmanFranco leather jacket, Jimmy Choo pumps and Alexander Wang booties. I’ve been wearing a pair of Arno boots almost daily. And I have a Helmut Lang sweater that I swear I’ll keep until it’s in pieces. For timeless basics, I love Vince. And I’m super into the femininity of Alcoolique and Mara Hoffman dresses right now."

"I love Tata Harper. I use her full skincare line religiously. I have the cleanser, resurfacing serum and mask, face oil, and illuminating moisturizer. I also love her elixir vitae for my lines. It’s a magic potion for real and is saving me from considering Botox."

"When I wake up each morning, I usually meditate in some way for about 10 minutes—this means no staring at my phone, just thinking about the day ahead and what I want to get out of it. I then read the news or a book, and then get myself ready for the day. I drink chamomile all day, as a way to keep me calm and balanced no matter what life throws at me. I’ve been eating super clean, and am trying to step up my workout routine with a mix of yoga, dance, and hikes. It’s difficult to do it all, so if I can exercise at least two times per week and keep up my clean eating and chamomile drinking, I’m pretty happy."

"Often it’s as simple as sitting in silence and drinking tea, either in my backyard or at a café. For some reason, just sitting in silence, even if surrounded by a hundred strangers on the city streets, helps me to find my balance and process everything that’s floating in my head. I often make time for massage, acupuncture, and hot springs. I just had one of the best massages of my life at Indian Springs in Calistoga."

"I’m opening myself up to dating this year. I’m also trying to nurture Paloma’s interests. And I’m hoping to have major business accomplishments—in my side projects with family and friends and at work."
For more on Rheanna, her daughter, and their city adventures, follow her on Instagram.