“Yes! From the time I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mother. I never had huge career ambitions. I always envisioned my future surrounded by my children.”

“I’m weirdly in tune with my body and knew something was off from the very first month we started trying. I tried to ignore it and convinced myself that I was being dramatic, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t working the way it was supposed to. After a year of trying naturally, we sought out a fertility specialist. I was 25 at the time and was told I would have no problem conceiving. We were given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.”

“At the time, we were living in Massachusetts and had amazing insurance, so all of our fertility treatments were covered, including three rounds of IVF. We were incredibly blessed, as we otherwise would not have been able to afford even the cheapest treatments. After a few years, I was basically fired by my fertility specialist. She felt it was time to part ways and I knew that I was messing with her pregnancy statistics. We stopped treatments when my husband Cole went to grad school to get his MBA. At this point, we were pretty much losing all hope of conceiving and I was also diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune thyroid disease. We waited to try anything more until Cole was done with school.”

“We eventually sought out an amazing specialist in Chicago that was known for explaining the unexplained. After another intense round of testing, we finally had our answer—it would be nearly impossible for me to conceive, and if I did, the pregnancy could kill me. This was the answer we had been waiting for, and the end of our pregnancy journey.”

“From the time Cole and I met in college back in 1999, we talked about our future family and how adoption played a large part in our family. We knew we wanted to adopt, but always assumed it would be later in life. After trying to get pregnant on-and-off for six years, we were finally in a place to start our adoption journey. We had looked into the process several times throughout the years, even attending several adoption agency information meetings, but the timing never felt right, so we waited. Seeing that fertility specialist in Chicago finally set us free. We grieved very hard for about a year, then began the grueling adoption process.”

“The adoption process is pretty intense, especially the first time around. All the paperwork and interviews feel so daunting. but we were fortunate enough to be connected with a wonderful adoption consultant and a great agency. It took us three months to finish our home study and get approved. That included getting fingerprinted, filling out piles of paperwork, and having three meetings, along with a home visit with our social worker. The day we found out that our home study had been approved, our consultant sent us three expectant mother profiles. Our son’s birth mother’s profile was the second one I saw. I had an intense reaction to her profile and immediately called Cole and told him this was the one. The next day, we overnighted our profile and Dear Birth Mother letter to Texas.”

Cutest little mama and Xavi chairs.

“We always had a long list of baby names. When we found out that Xavi was of Afro Latino heritage, we compiled a list of names that reflected his background and finally decided on Xavier. We both really loved the name and wanted to use the nickname, Xavi. The first time we spoke to Xavi’s birth mom on the phone, we told her we were thinking of the name Xavier and she said that was one of her son’s names! I got goosebumps! I asked if that was too weird to use the name, but she loved that we had chosen it. We also asked her to choose the middle name and she really loved Jacob. It means so much to us that she helped us choose.”

“It was a pretty magical day. Cole had a business conference in Paris, so I tagged along and we called it our babymoon. It had been two weeks since we mailed our profile and we were dying to know if we’d been chosen or not. The morning we found out, Cole was at his conference and I was walking around Paris in the rain. I wandered towards the Eiffel Tower and remember so clearly looking up at it, praying for an answer. Cole and I met back at our hotel and napped. I woke up to my phone buzzing with texts from our consultant saying, ‘She chose you! Call me!’ In that moment, my heart stopped beating. Thank God I was lying down, because I think I would’ve passed out. The answer we had been waiting seven years to hear finally happened—we were going to be parents. We also found out his due date had been updated to be born in three weeks!”

“Not an hour went by that we didn’t worry about the adoption failing. We knew there was a huge chance of that happening, especially after Xavi was born. The fear became very real in the hospital after his birth. We saw how hard it was on his first mom—she struggled hourly with her decision. It was hard not to let the unknown drive us insane, so we put it, as much as we could, out of our heads and focused on taking care of and supporting her.”

“We had a mad dash to get ready for Xavi’s arrival. We arrived back from Paris and only had one week to prepare a nursery before flying down to Texas. We were insanely excited and pretty much nauseous with worry. I painted the nursery and put together the crib by myself. It was cathartic and helpful for channeling my nervous energy.”

Such a fun bedroom!

“The night before his birth, we arrived in Houston and met his birth mom for the first time at dinner. The next morning, we went to the hospital to get ready for the c-section. His first mom wanted me to be in the delivery room, and to cut his umbilical cord. The hospital staff had other plans—they told me to go put on scrubs and that they would come get me before starting. After 15 minutes I finally found a nurse and her response was, ‘Oh, you’re still here.’ They brought me back to the room where they had already started the procedure.”

“Xavi’s birth mom was lying on the table, crying and all alone. I was so angry with the doctors and nurses, and couldn’t believe they were making an incredibly difficult situation so much worse for her. I sat down next to Xavi’s mom and took her hand. We were both crying. The hospital staff didn’t end up giving me the choice to cut the umbilical cord. Xavi was quickly born and crying. I was able to snap some photos while they cleaned him up and checked him out.”

“It wasn’t discussed in detail, but we knew that Xavi’s first mom wanted to breastfeed him and take care of him in the hospital, and wanted us to spend time with him in her room. After he was born and cleaned up, the nurses handed him to me. I held him close to his birth mom’s face while we both cried, and she asked me to love him forever.”

“We waited 48 hours before parental rights were terminated and after he was discharged, we were able to take him back to the hotel. We then had to wait almost two weeks before the interstate compact was signed so we could fly home.”

“We wanted an open adoption, and thankfully, it still is.”

“We knew it would be best for Xavi and his birth family. We always want Xavi to know and love his birth family, and know his heritage. Being able to visit with his first family this past April was so amazing. Watching Xavi with his four older birth siblings was a dream come true.”

“Do a ton of research, know your risks, and find someone who’s already gone through it to be your support. I also recommend working with an adoption consultant who can help you figure out the many steps. Most of all, remember this is about helping a child in need, respecting the birth family, and doing what you can to protect the bond between your child and their first family.”

“It’s been a rollercoaster ride. We knew we were incredibly blessed with Xavi’s adoption, as not every adoption works out so well, but the last year has been harder than we could’ve imagined. In February of 2015 we started our second home study, and by June, we were home study approved. Within two weeks we were matched with an expectant mother. Her baby was born within a few weeks, and after making a mad dash to Florida and spending time with the mom and baby, the adoption failed. It was a horribly messy situation with unknown drug exposure that left us reeling.”

“In December, we moved cross-country to Colorado and had to start a whole new home study for Colorado. After a few months, we were home study approved at the beginning of May. Within six days we were matched with another expectant mother. I spent the next three months talking to the expectant mom daily. We flew to Texas to meet them and were so excited to have such a strong relationship. A month before the baby’s due date, I found out that the expectant mom had changed her mind. I couldn’t believe that in less than a year, we had experienced two failed adoptions. This last one in particular completely shocked me and knocked me flat.”

No pictures, please!

“We have decided we are done with our adoption journey. It’s been a heartbreaking decision to make, but we know that it’s what’s right for us. The emotional, financial, and physical toll has been substantial. For each failed adoption, we lost a huge chunk of money and along with the time and stress, we didn’t want to continue down this road. It’s been physically impacting on me, as well. With the lack of sleep, extreme stress and heartbreak, my emotional eating has gotten the best of me. It’s hard to see myself at my highest weight and to see the havoc two failed adoptions have physically had one me. We’re now refocusing on our health and taking better care of ourselves.”

“Yes and so much more! Aside from watching my son grow and change every day, what I love most are all those simple little moments. The snuggling on the couch while I play with my son’s curly mop of hair, singing him songs at bedtime, tickling him to hear his crazy chipmunk laugh, and watching Xavi and Cole’s intense bond.”

“I started Wildflower Liberty League as way to promote diversity and raise awareness for equality. There is still a sad lack of diversity in dolls and toys. Looking for dolls for Xavi, I struggled to find not only dolls of color, but also the style of dolls that I like—classic, huggable, simplistic, quality rag dolls for young children. I made my first dolls as Christmas presents for Xavi in 2014. Since then, the idea of creating more was in the back of my mind. This past winter, I finally decided to take the leap to start making dolls and make my company a nonprofit. The other huge reason I decided to start Wildflower Liberty League is because I wanted a way to give back to causes that are important to me. I decided that all profits will be donated to children's charities.”

“Wildflower Liberty League already has its first partnership with Together We Rise, an incredible nonprofit organization that helps children in foster care. I had my official shop launch on September 8th and will be listing dolls every few weeks.”

To keep following along with Maria and Xavi, check out her website and Instagram feed.