Childbirth
Spencer and Kelly’s Pregnancy and Fatherhood Journey: Life As Dads
Written by Erin Feher
Photography by Peter Darnley-Stuart
Oct 17, 2019
Today is bittersweet—it’s our final installment of Spencer and Kelly’s journey through pregnancy and early fatherhood, but at the same time, it’s just the very beginning of a brand-new story for them. They are settling into life as dads to precious little Alexis, and getting to know more about their sweet son with every day that passes (likes include looking at plants, listening to the vacuum, and cuddling with his dads).
This week, the couple invites us back into their home, which is now filled with the coos and cries of baby Lexi. Spencer shares with us his unique postpartum experience—his words about his changed body are honest and kind, and will be relatable to anyone who has birthed a child and struggled to regain focus on their altered shape afterwards. The couple also reflects on their individual upbringings, and how they have shaped the “parental legacy” they hope to leave their son. And we tag along with the new family and their friends to the local market, and to an all-inclusive daytime party called Kooky, where Lexi gets to dance with his dads and meet dozens of queer friends and chosen family who have loved him and supported his dads from the start.
We want to share our sincerest thanks to Spencer and Kelly for agreeing to open up their lives and their highly personal journey to us. And also to all of you who have shared your support and words of encouragement with the couple along the way—for those who live with a constant, underlying fear of hate and judgement, kind and loving words make a huge impact. At MOTHER, we are actively working towards sharing a broader range of parenting experiences, and even to expand and rethink the very definition of the term “mother.” As Spencer said, “By featuring stories like ours, we knit similarities between seemingly unrelated experiences. What we’re left with is a dazzling tapestry showing all the marvelous ways we humans can experience the magic of parenthood.” We welcome your suggestions and recommendations for stories and topics that could help us continue to do just that.
This is part five in a five-part series—if you haven’t already, we invite you to click over to Part One and read their story from the beginning. We also encourage you to share this story with someone you know who may benefit from seeing and truly understanding a different perspective on gender, parenthood, and identity.
Read Part One: The First Trimester, here.
Read Part Two: The Second Trimester, here.
Read Part Three: The Third Trimester, here.
Read Part Four: The Birth! here.
Click through the slideshow below to read Part Five: Life As Dads
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- SPENCER: "He is eight-weeks old and he is so magical. He started smiling and truly interacting from six weeks on. Now he wakes up smiling! We bring him into bed with us every morning and he chats away, smiling every few minutes. He loves looking at the plants. We have a really big window with hanging plants behind our bed, so I sit him up on my raised knees and he just stares at them so intensely. I would say he is an easy baby. He has stuck to a four-hour feed cycle and has started sleeping up to six hours in the night. We learned that he loves a white noise combination of a fan and vacuum at the same time. He also has a bedtime routine now and will let us put him in his cot at 7:30 with his ‘music,’ and he will just put himself to sleep. He is such a blessing."
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- KELLY: "It’s been so much fun getting to know him. Like most newborns, he sleeps about 17 hours a day. He spends his waking hours drinking milk, having tummy time, and cuddling with his dads. He’s incredibly social and is becoming very talkative. He has the cheekiest half smile, and he can fall asleep almost anywhere."
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SPENCER: "How many things you need to think of before you leave the house! Also, how enjoyable it can be. There is something super sweet about having to care so wholly for a little human. Making sure he feels safe and loved really moves me. When I see him smile sometimes I feel like crying because I want him to feel so much joy in this life."
KELLY: "I really was surprised by how much a newborn can sleep. It’s also surprising how much of your time a newborn can consume, despite sleeping 17-plus hours a day, lol."
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- SPENCER: "My favorite moments are the developmental milestones and watching him with his daddy. Kelly chats with him about all sorts of things, and he just watches him with his big bright eyes, taking it all in. I feel so much love for them both when I witness this. He is so loved. My mum also comes and cares for him at home one day a week. Watching your mum with your child is really special, also. It’s like peeking back in time to your own childhood. She gets him smiling and chatting so seamlessly. Besides me haha, he is probably the greatest gift she has ever received."
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- KELLY: "I’ve really enjoyed introducing Alexis to his queer family and community. We’ve had the pleasure of taking Alexis to a beautiful daytime party called Kooky. It’s one of Sydney’s longest running queer parties. I’ve also enjoyed watching Alexis learn how to be alive. He’s recently started to laugh. Well, it’s more of a chuckle, and it’s absolutely adorable."
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- SPENCER: "There hasn’t been too many moments that I have found challenging. I think tiredness is the main one. I went back to work when he was six weeks old, and some evenings I get home and feel like I could fall asleep standing up. I do want to acknowledge though, that caring for a newborn is hard. It’s really hard, and I think the reason I haven’t felt super challenged is because I have so much support from my husband, my family, and my friends. And when I say support, I mean hands-on, take-the-baby type support. If I didn’t have all that, I feel like I would be challenged by everything."
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- SPENCER: "I think I said this before, but cesareans are tough. I was in quite a bit of pain until probably five weeks postpartum. At that point, I had stopped bleeding and started to feel more like myself. I walked a lot from the minute I got home, some days for more than one hour. I think being outside and keeping active helped for sure. I went back to the gym at six weeks postpartum, and now at eight weeks am feeling pretty solid in my body."
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- SPENCER: "I had one day of crying multiple times. Everything made me cry. Like really cry. I would be sitting on the couch holding Lexi and just crying. That was really the only thing that felt super hormonal. I think my experience is maybe a little different because I went back on testosterone two weeks after the birth."
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- SPENCER: "YES! I was so excited for this moment. It had been years since my last shot of T, and going back on held so much meaning for me. It meant I had succeeded in one of my biggest goals in life; it also meant that I was again moving forward, living my life."
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- What bottle service looks like these days.
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- SPENCER: "As a trans person, my relationship with my body is a constant journey. Prior to pregnancy, I spent a lot of time trying to mold my body into a form that felt in line with my gender presentation. I have a vision of myself, and I at times pursue that vision with a single-minded intensity. When I got pregnant, I knew that I would need to let go of that vision for a period of time. I also knew I had to find a way to be at peace with that, otherwise my mental health would for sure take a nosedive. This wasn’t easy for me, but I did it. I breathed through each day with the mantra 'this isn’t forever.' Now, eight weeks postpartum, I am back at the gym four days a week. It’s challenging. I look in the mirror and don’t necessarily like what I see, BUT I am not speaking negatively to myself. My inner dialogue is a lot more tender. It pays respect to the journey I have just completed and also expresses confidence in my ability to once again achieve all the body goals I have set for myself."
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- KELLY: "I would like to take this moment to say 'I love you and thank you thank you thank you' to my mother-in-law. She’s been infinitely helpful. She babysits 1-2 days a week; she helps with the cleaning; and she’s been nothing but kind, funny, and loving the last nine weeks. I would also like to thank our queer family—special mentions to Tirrell, Jacob, Samia, Joy, Angela, and Axel. These people have all babysat Lexi and given Spence and I the opportunity to reconnect by going out on dates, going to the gym, or just taking a small break."
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- SPENCER: "My upbringing was pretty sweet in hindsight. I grew up an only child to a very committed single mother. My mum made a lot of sacrifices to provide me with everything I needed. She worked two jobs at times, which now when I think about, was a lot! As I mentioned before, I was surrounded by aunties and cousins, therefore being an only child never felt lonely or isolating. My weekends were full of adventures, as we travelled to visit family both in the city and the country. I had a couple of pets who I loved dearly, and was also obsessed with dolls until the age of 13. I think the underlying theme in my childhood was love. There wasn’t a focus on education or discipline or anything in particular, because to be honest, I think my mum was just trying to make ends meet. But if I consider the person I have become today, I would say she did a very good job."
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- KELLY: "I’ve been contemplating the legacy of parenting that we each embody. My parents moved from the Caribbean to the U.S.A. in the 80s. They had to learn a new language, work minimum wage jobs, and figure out what it meant to be American, while raising two young black kids. My parents worked hard, and I’m appreciative of their commitment to my sister and I. That being said, they were absent at times, and they weren’t the most engaged during our childhood. I understand now, part of that is because they were working very hard and trying to survive in a country that works incredibly hard to keep marginalized bodies at the bottom. I want to offer Lexi a different parental legacy."
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- KELLY: "I want to develop a parenting style that is engaged, empathetic, open, accountable, and loving. I really want Lexi to feel like he’s supported, and he has the space to explore his fullest potential. I also want my son to know that just like him, I’m human and I’ll make mistakes. I promise to stay accountable for my mistakes and never be too proud to admit when I’ve done something wrong. And I want my son to value family and know he’s a part of a really magical community."
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- Only the very best for this baby.
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- SPENCER: "I think my parenting style at the moment is based around patience and empathy. I want the energy that my child receives from me to be slow and easy. When I am tired and he cries I try to close my eyes and empathize with the fact that he is limited in what he can do for himself, therefore he needs care and compassion. When he has moments of crying for what appears to be no apparent reason, I can see how easy it would be to let stress overtake my body, but I know this will only make the situation worse. I am surprised at how well this is working for me at the moment. I would for sure like that to be an element of my parenting style in the future, also. I want to be communicative, calm, clear, and approachable with my child. Kelly has been inspired by the Danish style of parenting , which focuses on things like honesty, togetherness, and the reframing of negative situations. All of these things appeal to me. Ultimately, I want to be a strong guide and help my child to navigate this world to the best of his ability."
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- KELLY: "My advice to other queer families embarking on a journey to becoming parents is to remember you are a part of an expansive community who will love and support you through the ups and downs. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your partner. Anyway you decided to become a parent and/or grow your family is perfect and valid."
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- Do you remember the last time this trio was here?
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- SPENCER: "I think it’s important to be realistic about what this journey involves for a person who identifies as male. It’s hard, and it can be very challenging emotionally. I would say before you start, it may be beneficial to really examine all the parts of pregnancy, for example: What will it be like telling folks in your life or at work that you’re pregnant? What will it feel like when you start showing? etc. Try to put yourself in those situations and think about how you might feel or how you might handle things. By doing this, you’re kind of taking the power away from these moments, and in some ways prepping your emotional responses. Don’t go into this blind because it’s difficult. Find your power. Some of the important things to remember are that pregnancy is not forever, in fact, it’s approximately 280 days. It’s finite. There are also some really beautiful moments, and it’s totally O.K. to enjoy them. Also, try to view your pregnancy as a positive part of your identity. Be sweet to yourself in moments of overwhelm. You’re a beautiful magical being and you’re blessed with the ability to experience such a wide breadth of the human experience. Try to view yourself as such."
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SPENCER: "Haha, no."
KELLY: "I love Lexi more than words can ever express. Lexi has a large family and lots of incredible kids to grow up alongside. That being said, Spence and I aren’t going to have any more children. Our dream was to always have one kid, and I feel really blessed to get to live that dream."
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- So many friends who have been waiting to meet you!
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- KELLY: "Do you know that meme that’s like, ‘Me trying to excel in my career, maintain a social life, drink enough water, exercise, text everyone back, stay sane, survive and be happy’ and it’s usually accompanied by an image of someone freaking out or trying not to freak out? Yeah, that’s what being a parent feels like, lol. I’m currently trying to find a new balance, and I’m relearning how to manage all the things I used to be able to do with a lot of ease prior to having a baby."
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- SPENCER: "Kelly and I always talked about how we would really focus on placing our relationship and personal identities at the forefront, even once we became parents. The thinking is, if we aren’t thriving personally or as a unit, then ultimately our child will suffer. That being said, we have been out on multiple dates now. We have also taken moments to go out on our own while the other stays home with Lexi. We’re vibrant, active and creative human beings who are also now parents. We have a solid list of capable and loving queers waiting to give us the space to be party dads."
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- Baby's first dance party.
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- KELLY: "Spence and I have always nurtured our relationship. Our love and partnership is what made it possible for Lexi to manifest. Our family has really stepped up to help allow Spence and I to continue that nurturing. As soon as Lexi was two weeks old, Spence and I were going out on dates. We recently went out on a date to see John Waters at the Sydney Opera House. We’ve also had folks babysit to allow us to go to the gym, yoga, or a spin class."
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- SPENCER: "It’s felt both scary and heart warming at the same time. For a relationship that is in some ways very public, we are actually quite private. This journey has been one, that for the most part, we experienced alone. There were a handful of close friends that experienced moments over the years, but really it was just Kelly and I. To me, sharing this publicly has in some ways helped with the healing. It’s the acknowledgment of all of the pain and trauma we experienced during these last five-plus years. With that acknowledgement comes a letting go. It’s also a way to call in all the folks who have experienced this same journey and say clearly that ‘you are not alone.' Especially to folks who see themselves reflected in us, i.e. queers and trans people. One of my biggest apprehensions around doing this was opening myself and my family up to negativity and hate. I feel like I live so much of my life trying to protect myself from undeserved hate, but this usually manifests itself in me hiding or being selective about how much of myself I share. There have been moments of people expressing ‘opinions’ about how we live our lives, but I don’t even engage. This story has been etched into the fabric of my 30s and I am beyond grateful that it has ended or has begun with this beautiful little boy who chose us to be his parents."
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- KELLY: "It’s been a really beautiful experience to share our story publicly. I hope that folks can look at our family and see reflections of their own families as well. I hope our story gives folks the confidence to pursue love, relationships, and family in all the ways that feel good for them. There isn’t a right way to do any of this. In fact, there is an infinite amount of ways to do all of this. I hope you feel supported and loved in your journey."
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KELLY: "I think MOTHER can make a commitment to continue to share diverse stories about families. There are an infinite amount of ways to be a family. We’re just one example of how you can do it. I would love to read about how other folks are growing their families."
SPENCER: "I think just recognizing that the journey to parenthood is experienced by many people who don’t necessarily identify with the term ‘mother.' These folks deserve to see themselves honored and represented on platforms such as MOTHER. By featuring stories like ours, we knit similarities between seemingly unrelated experiences. What we’re left with is a dazzling tapestry showing all the marvelous ways we humans can experience the magic of parenthood."
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Congratulations to your family! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, you are great!
Much love from Germany to Australia!
Very,very beautiful story!
Cheers to you and thank you for sharing your story!!