Mother Stories
Lady Falcon’s Buffy Maguire On Life After Losing a Child to Cancer
Written by
Erin Feher
Photography by
Photographed by Aubrie Pick
Mar 19, 2019
Buffy Maguire is a cool mom with a rad coffee truck. She’s a third generation San Franciscan who knows all the local artists and surfers and likes to kick off her Vans and dive into the icy ocean at least once a week. But like so many of the fierce and resilient women we feature here, she is so, so much more than that. Buffy found out that her eldest son, Kevin, had a cancerous brain tumor when he was just eight years old. For the next 15 months she rarely left his side. When he died, at the age of nine-and-a-half, it was his voice she heard. It encouraged her to keep going, to not climb out of the closet window and drive away, but instead, be a model for her two younger sons—then six and four years old—on how to handle to most powerful crashing wave of grief one could imagine.
Below, the inspiring and resilient mother generously welcomes us into her gorgeous home, introduces us to her enigmatic and energetic boys, shows us around the swoon-worthy Lady Falcon Coffee Club truck, and talks honestly about life before, during, and after the unimaginable.
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"We didn’t plan to move, but in late 2012, when my son Kevin had entered a brief remission, this house appeared. We thought that the peace and quiet of the neighborhood would be helpful for his recovery. The Great Highway, where we lived for years before, had grown very busy. This was fantastic change for the flourishing neighborhood, but considering our own desire for quiet and for a healing space, it verged on frenetic when paired with Kevin’s recovery."
"We told our friend, Bob Callan, who is a real estate agent and who grew up in St. Francis Wood, that one day when things settled down we might want to move there. A few weeks later he called me, 'I found the perfect house for you.' I said I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t, but my husband Pat said 'Let’s just look.' Well, the rest is history. We walked into the home and I instantly knew it was our home—it was as if I had always lived there. Then, I overheard the agent telling the people ahead of us that the owners were the second owners ever and they had three sons. I didn’t want to like the house. I wasn’t ready, life was hectic and I couldn’t even fathom all of the elements to put together to move, but the house called me. I loved every room, loved every detail and I felt so at home there immediately. The housing market was still low and we put an offer in that was originally rejected, but then the original buyers withdrew their offer and ours was accepted."
"I don’t have any idea how we did that all at once, it was an intense, intense time, but I am so grateful we moved here with Kevin and when he was healthier. It is a peaceful home and it is a special place to me."
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"Our home is built in 1922 by Henry Gutterson in anticipation of the new West Portal tunnel connecting the westside to the city center of downtown. Our home was built before automobiles were so frequently used, so the garage is an afterthought, as opposed to a house being built over the garage."
Buffy wears vintage Levi’s from General Store. Conor and Dylan wear Nike.
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- "I like to bring elements of the stories of our lives into our space and celebrate and remember them. This makes the space especially eclectic, beachy, and colorful."
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- "Well, everything in my house is my favorite. This is what I love about my house—it is so personal. For instance, I love art. The Outer Sunset has long been home to artists and I think the beach brings out and draws creatives, freethinkers, and beauty. You can see this on my walls in original works from Georgia Hodges, Mona Marcos, Emily Fromm, Michelle Wilson, John Musgrove, and Kevin Mirsky to name a few. These are all people I know, and I love having their work in my home. I also love the Surf Theater posters from the wonderful couple at 3Fish. Annie and Eric are fantastic. I remember the Surf Theater—although the posters I chose are from before my time. They evoke a sense of glamour from a period of time for me when Ocean Beach had its own movie theater and it showed all these artsy films and we could walk there on our own and eat popcorn and disappear from the beach fog into a movie. I had the privilege of enjoying the last days of the Surf Theater on Irving Street (same block as Hook Fish) right before it closed. I would love to get a movie theater back in the Sunset, but we are so lucky to have the Balboa."
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- "Our house is a home where our kids feel very comfortable in every room. My kids are in every room and leave their mark. As they have gotten older this means less stuff, but while I am not picking up small pieces of Legos, Magna-Tiles, or train tracks anymore, I am still picking up balls, and shoes, sweatshirts, friend’s sweatshirts, and, of course, their lovely socks or whatever it is that leaves a trail."
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- "I love this city for its openness, vibrancy, and innovation. I always say that if I wasn’t born in San Francisco, I would have moved here. I understand why people move here, I just got lucky enough to be born here. Creatives thrive in San Francisco because we are such an open and welcoming place. It is where innovation happens, it is where artists of all mediums create, and it is a city full of characters who pride themselves on thinking outside of the box. We are a bit of adrenaline junkies, too, since we have been in a cycle of booms and busts since our inception—Gold Rush, Hippies, Techies, boom, bust, boom, bust—all against the backdrop of imminent earthquakes. The city prides itself on changing and evolving and sometimes rebuilding. So, for my kids to grow up in this climate of openness is a gift. A huge gift that I am grateful for everyday."
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"It’s a long history and detailed. Three of my four grandparents immigrated to the U.S. and settled in San Francisco and made their way to the Sunset District. My maternal grandmother, Kitty O’Shea, was first generation American born to Irish parents in the Mission District before moving to the Sunset District later in her life. My maternal grandfather came here from Sicily with his mother when he was 9 years old, where they were reunited with my grandfather’s father and his brother who came over first. So, on my mom’s side, all of my great grandparents also ended up living in San Francisco. On my dad’s side, his parents came here separately from Ireland and met in the Mission District’s KRB, which was a dance hall where a lot of Irish marriages began. My parents met in the 4th grade at St. Cecilia’s where they were in the same classroom for all of grammar school. They married in 1969 and divorced in 1979. Most of my aunts and uncles on both sides went to this same grammar school and it is connected to the family church where I eventually was married."
"And then there’s Pat’s family, who are also very, very deeply entrenched in San Francisco. Pat is one of seven kids and his siblings and their spouses all live in the Sunset District. All of this adds up in a way that I have 29 nieces and nephews in the Sunset District, and my kids are blessed with a tribe of cousins. And cousin’s cousins are all in S.F., too, so it's exponential. It is so amazing to have this kind of 'small town' family and community in a city. But, San Francisco is a small city, for sure, and, it gets a lot smaller when you have stayed put for so long and then marry someone who is from here, too. Your base expands. This is not to mention all of our friends who become like a web of extended family over generations. It is unique and extremely special."
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- "I would, but I don’t see it happening since I am very happy where I am. I would most definitely live in a coastal area. I am currently loving visiting Oaxaca—where I have sourced some extraordinary coffee and cascara—and I could see myself living there for part of the year, if that was ever the least bit feasible in my life. My kids are still so little that I don’t see that manifesting, at least not for awhile. I could also see myself dreamily settling into the South of France— wouldn’t that be fun? But, honestly, I am very content where I am."
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"I love Ocean Beach. I love the thunderous, crashing waves, and the sand dunes, and the salt air. I love the grit and tenacity and the hearty nature of Ocean Beach. And the rust can actually be quite beautiful. I also love the lushness of Golden Gate Park. I love the Polo Fields and the horse stables and fly fishing ponds."
"Besides hanging out at the Java Beach cafes, I love Judahlicious for a yummy Acai bowl or a fresh squeezed juice. Noriega Produce has fed my family healthy, clean, and organic food for decades—it has such a great, succinct grocery selection. Establish on Noriega Street is the best for picking up unique house items, like my Peruvian pillows and buying Pat an awesome Pendleton that he loves. All the plants in my house from there. The owner, Erica, has such great instincts on items and she is always switching things up, so you have to check it out regularly. She also offers me moral support on keeping my plants alive—as this is not intuitive to me. One of my absolute favorite places is Judah St. Clinic. Nick is the best chiropractor around and such a sweet and gentle soul. Then, there’s 3Fish and the Great Highway Gallery. The newer places that have hit the neighborhood are so fun to have, such as Hook Fish. I am so happy we have a fish place in our coastal community; it filled a need in an awesome, sustainable, creative way. And the staff is super friendly. The new cocktail bar, White Cap, is so fun, although I don’t cocktail much. I don’t know how they made it feel so down home, but you can go in there and hang out and it is intimate and friendly and the dog-vibe is spot on. It reminds me of places on the coast of Oaxaca where the dogs roam free but are so chill and cool you want to get to know them. Of course, Outerlands is always special, and I love seeing a matinee at the Balboa movie theater—it's such a treasure."
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- "Conor is 12 years old and Dylan is 9 years old."
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- "On May 12, 2012 Kevin collapsed on our way to a birthday party. We stopped the car when he said he didn’t feel well and it appeared he was going to vomit and then he collapsed. It was a Saturday and the day was packed: first a birthday party and then he was going to play a soccer game in Stanford. When he collapsed we drove as fast as we could to CPMC ER on California Street. He regained consciousness, but there was something wrong. They rushed him into a CT scan and the doctors told me almost immediately they found a mass on his brain. This is doctor speak for a tumor. It was so incredibly shocking. I did not see this coming at all and I was completely disoriented by the news. I didn’t have much time to think because we were in an ambulance racing down the 280 to Stanford’s Lucile Packard hospital for an eight-hour brain surgery."
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- "Kevin was 8 years old. I was always very upfront with Kevin. He was a very old soul. He almost knew information before I did. But my thought was: break this into little steps. Now we need surgery, now we need chemo, now we need another surgery. I didn’t concentrate on the big picture, but just concentrated on getting through the day and just what was immediately in front of us. I promised him that I would be with him every step of the way and he would never be alone, and that was true, and remained true throughout his illness."
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- "It is hard to talk about casually. The help we received from our families, friends, neighbors, and community was so deeply moving, it is hard to describe it in words. We are part of a community, and that community leaned in and held us from close and afar and they loved us as we moved through the most unspeakable pain and loss. Kevin’s funeral filled St. Gabriel’s Church and produced a line down the entire block of people who came to pay their respects to us. I don’t think it is an overstatement to say there were over 1000 people there. Probably more, in fact. This turnout was a visual reminder of the place we held in everyone’s thoughts and prayers and actions the entire time he was sick. We were very blessed with a support network of amazing people who loved us and loved Kevin."
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- "Seeing your child truly, deeply, and horrifically suffer goes against the fabric of being a mother. As mothers, our instincts are to protect and to nurture. And I very much had that instinct from day one as a mother. So, when the suffering became so great and too big, as a mother, I paused. I had an amazing friend who showed up at my doorstep like a fairy godmother. She had spent years as a hospice nurse and she just arrived and stayed with me and helped me in ways that no one else could. She brought her unique gifts to me, to Kevin, and one day she said to me something like 'I believe there are worse things than death.' It was so gentle and so vague, and yet so unbelievably profound, and she described what my soul was wrestling with. To me, this meant the level of Kevin’s suffering really was worse than death. Now, this didn’t mean anything changed. There wasn’t a plug to unplug or anything I could change. But, it meant that his imminent death might be a relief to his poor body that was badgered by the effects of the brain tumor. It meant that death isn’t a failure. It is an unbelievable aching loss that is felt every moment of every day, but it isn’t failure. I wanted Kevin’s complete healing. I wanted him to go back to playing, laughing, and running around. I didn’t want him to suffer every moment of his life. But, again, that wasn’t up to me. I did not have any say in that. It was just where my thoughts started to shift and, to be honest, it was really, really, really late for me when that shift happened."
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- "My focus was on Kevin and being present for him and this sustained me. I looked him in the eyes and said, 'I won’t leave your side. I can promise you that you will not face this alone.' I kept that promise, and the promise sustained me and him. I knew he looked at me for his security and I was intent to give it to him. I had so little else that I could offer him, it was the least I could do. Looking back, I don’t really know how I did it, but I know I did it for Kevin and because it was all I had to give."
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- "Conor was 6 and Dylan was almost 4."
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"As I prepared to go to Kevin’s funeral, only days after he passed away, I wanted to run away. I really wanted to get in my car and drive down the coast and leave. I didn’t want to face over 1000 people at my most anguished time. My home was full with my family waiting for me. We were behind schedule. I wanted to open the window to my closet, scale my house to my car and drive away. But, all of a sudden, I heard a thought that wasn’t mine, that was Kevin’s voice in a thought, and it said very clearly, 'Conor and Dylan will watch what you do, not what you say.'"
"Maybe this sounds crazy. I hope no mother out there has to get to this low of a point, but this thought that was Kevin’s voice shaped my reaction to his death. I realized that Conor and Dylan were at the very beginning of their lives. Everything was in front of them. And I realized I wanted them to live. In fact, I wanted them to thrive. And I knew I had to model this for Conor and Dylan. I had to show them. So, I went to the funeral. I didn’t drive away. And I began to slowly rebuild and to build. As a mother, I can honestly say, that all of my kids have made me a better and stronger person than I would have been without them."
"We honor Kevin by living and moving forward and by remembering him. In the weeks and months after Kevin’s death, we did this by physically moving, by playing basketball, by swimming in the ocean, by playing. Our way of honoring him morphs, but he is ever present with us."
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- "Our marriage ultimately grew stronger after Kevin’s death. Pat and I had spent a long time together before having kids, and we worked together and played together and grew into adults together. We have always had a deep bond. The tricky part about grief is that everyone handles it differently. We learned how and when to give each other space and when to lean in—it’s a dance. And there is a true, deep, soul understanding of our shared loss, something that only the two of us know on that level. Pat understands my loss and I understand his and this distills things really fast to the most important element: love. And when I look at him, I see a piece of Kevin still here on earth and the man I fell in love with all those years ago and that feels so sweet. We grew, we grieve, we evolve, and we become even closer and more understanding of each other in our loss."
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- "I feel I get perspective really fast and this has made me more relaxed about a lot of things. I realized also how little control I have over life and that frees me a bit. And I am so, so grateful that I get to mother these amazing boys. This gratitude distills what is important and what isn’t. And I remember that there are mothers in oncology wards holding their sick children and I know their anguish and I see that my concerns are luxurious compared to that rung of despair. Once you measure things against that, things get real, fast. Gratitude is always grounding and I still have a lot to be grateful for."
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"I understand pain and I empathize with people suffering. I also realized I don’t know what is going on in people’s lives and this makes me very sensitive and forgiving of people. I am a naturally empathic person, but this has heightened and made me more heart-driven."
"I realized that I need my life to have meaning above all. I realized that being creative nourishes me in a way that I need and in a way that I can’t live without."
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"The divide between a serious illness and death is immense. The mother of a child with a serious illness does not want to talk to me. I know. I understand. I am every mother’s worst nightmare. With a serious illness, there is still hope. Hold on to that hope."
"For a mother facing the death of a child, I can only say I stand with you. You are not alone. You can make it through, but it won’t be easy. It won’t be easy. You already know that it won’t be easy. Pick very small goals, be proud of yourself when you achieve them and, above all, be kind to yourself. Get showered and dressed in the morning even if you want to go back to bed afterwards. Sleep with the lights on until you don’t. Be gentle on yourself and find some reason to live and focus on that. Then find another and another."
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- "Be malleable, bring food, and don’t take anything personal. She may say 'I don’t want help. I don’t need help.' Okay, no problem. Then you say I am going to drop something off and I don’t need to stay. I can leave it at the door. Or I can come in. I had so many family members and friends who leaned in. And I didn’t know how to direct them. You are so completely disoriented that planning ahead for something such as a visit that is two days away is beyond comprehensible. The clock changes. Time is different. Two days away is unknown, unguaranteed, and it gets you real present fast. I didn’t know what I needed until all of a sudden I did."
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"Lady Falcon Coffee Club started as part daydream, part manifesto during the period of time that Kevin was sick. I would pick it up and put it down and there was no sense of reality to it, no pressure, no expectations. I was so overwhelmed with life. We were in and out of hospitals, in and out of treatments and everyday was filled with terror. Deep, deep, soul-shaking terror. One of the things I did to escape the fear and find a happy place was to daydream and doodle. One daydream gave way to another and soon I was creating a coffee company, but not a real one, or so I thought. I spent a lot of time thinking about the name. I knew I wanted to pay respect to the legends in Ocean Beach before me. I enjoy studying history, and the Ocean Beach neighborhood has fascinated me for the wild and eclectic types that it consistently attracts. From my years out at Ocean Beach, I used to talk to the grandchildren of people from Carville. Carville was an impromptu neighborhood of abandoned streetcars on Judah Street that became a mecca for bohemians, artists, and writers in the 1880s when the neighborhood was a big sand dune still unpaved. The Falcon Ladies Bicycling Club was one of the first cars in the bunch and helped shape the freethinker legend of Carville. I knew a little about these women, and then I read more and more to find out what rebels they were, and how women’s bicycling clubs across the U.S. and Western Europe helped form the suffragette movement. When visualizing the Lady Falcon Coffee Club name, I kept the idea of a club. It is a club that anyone can belong to and we all just enjoy good coffee and good company. In putting Lady first, I consciously decided to appoint ourselves nobility in the same way that jazz legends like Duke Ellington did in their time and in the same way that hip hop artists do today. Street credibility becomes royalty when you are shifting the paradigm of givens and opening up a new definition of what is regal."
"I had been on my coffee journey for years before Kevin was sick. As Kevin got sicker and sicker, he would sleep longer and longer and I daydreamed more. And Lady Falcon began unfolding and it was such a good pure place to escape to. It was never too heavy and not stressful, but just fun. It was a freestyle jam about what I wanted in a coffee company and what I didn’t. I started to let myself drop all the rules I thought I had to follow to excel at specialty coffee. It was a process of saying no to the brown bags (but everyone has brown bags) and no to the beards and no to the pretension and no to the lumberjack shirts. No because they didn’t fit me. I really never thought I would do anything with Lady Falcon. I thought it was a meditative exercise and truthfully that was enough."
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"I didn’t think of it as starting a business, but instead I thought of it as a creative project. I knew I needed to be creative in the days, weeks, months, and years following Kevin’s death. And one creative project gave way to another creative project and they were connected, but I didn’t immediately put together that they were connected. First of all, I love roasting coffee, so I thought I needed to spend my days doing something I love. Roasting coffee can be solitary and meditative and it requires your full attention for short periods of time and it was the perfect salve to my mind that was racing and sad. So, after Kevin died, I did more and more coffee roasting and experimented and just let myself dive in deep for the love of roasting. I would do all sorts of roast profiles and taste it and taste it and taste."
Buffy wears a Doen top.
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"My roaster was housed at my friend’s space in Berkeley and I stumbled upon our 1948 GMC bread van in the parking lot there. Over time, I revisited an idea I had years earlier: a mobile coffee bar. I always thought it would be a VW van, but a VW bus wasn’t big enough. I realized the GMC size was much bigger and I became very excited. I could see how beautiful the truck was in its rawest form—it was beaten up, there were no tires on it, and it did not run, but, she was a nouveau classic. The GMC bread van was everything I wanted. It was big enough—but not huge—to hold baristas comfortably, as well as an espresso machine, brewers, and refrigerators."
"From the point at which I purchased the truck to the point at which it was complete was likely about two years, but active build-out was about a total of 18 months. For the first 6 months, I was on the waitlist with Chris and Mike at Hellcam. This is a totally underground workshop, with no name on their shop and certainly no website, in the shadow of the Burning Man compound of artists in West Oakland. They are an old school group and work only on cars pre-1970. Truth be told, I was in no hurry. But, when my turn came, I was ready. Chris and Mike had never built a coffee truck and, obviously neither had I, but we met every week and took it step by step and it was a long, deliberate process filled with surprises in the good hands of these amazing craftsmen. One day we decided we needed more height, light, and air so we sawed off the top of the truck, created metal ribs, and installed vintage VW camper bus windows all around the top and re-welded it together. This really made the truck unique and one of a kind and created a completely transformative workspace for us. It also made the truck into a piece of art. In the end, the truck actually resembles some of the old streetcars of Carville where the Falcon Ladies Bicycling club originated—which is amazing because it is sheer serendipity."
"Throughout the build-out, I didn’t even know for certain this was going to be Lady Falcon. I just let the project unfold. Of course, I became great friends with Chris and Mike and I had shown them the sketches of Lady Falcon and I think I even had a sticker made and Chris turned to me and said something like 'you realize this is Lady Falcon, right?' I didn’t, actually. I was scared and protective. I wanted Lady Falcon to be an ideal not a reality. I was hesitant and I still didn’t give in, but a little part of my brain kept thinking—if even these really masculine men are into Lady Falcon, maybe it is relatable."
"In the end, the truck was the beginning of the physical manifestation of the Lady Falcon Coffee Club and it was an authentic and creative way for me to be in the coffee world. I worked on the signature pink coffee bags for over two years, scratching countless designs. Over and over again, the creative process saved me, restored me, inspired me, and kept me moving forward."
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- "My parents grew up in San Francisco and came of age when the Summer of Love hit the city, and they connected with many elements of the hippie movement, most especially rebelling against their parents’ immigrant perspective. They married in Berkeley and moved to Noe Valley, where I lived in my family home until I was about 12. It was a pre-1906 Victorian home that is tall and narrow filled with beauty and light. As I mentioned earlier, every single weekend of my life was spent with my maternal grandparents at their home in the Sunset or as my parents used to say 'the Avenues.' During high school and long after my parents divorced, they both moved back to the Sunset, separately. I always thought that was a funny footnote. I wanted to leave San Francisco for college and I went to Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts. I was the first to go away to college and my Sicilian grandfather was beside himself. 'Why would you go so far away? There is a college right down the block (SFSU).' He was so family oriented and so practical. I knew it was from a place of love. But, I wanted out as most 18 year olds do—to go out and see the world far away from my family. The interesting element for me was that I had no family on the East Coast, no safety net. This was a tremendous experience that I highly recommend. It would be hard to replicate today with cell phones. I double majored in Government and Art History. I loved Art History, but for some reason thought it wasn’t practical and chose to major in Government. I took so many Art History classes that I accidentally ended up with a double major. And I explored the entire East Coast by car and bus every weekend, and drove cross country seven times with many funny stories. After graduating from Smith, I worked for Tony Serra on a death penalty case, on a Native American case, and later for Congressman Tom Lantos. I traveled extensively throughout Europe, the Middle East, and Central America. Pat and I got married right before I went to get my Masters in Political Science at Queen’s University in Belfast, where I studied Comparative Ethnic Conflict with a case study in the Northern Irish peace process. This was the first year of the Good Friday Peace Agreement and it was a magical time to be in Belfast, and it was also a magical honeymoon year. We traveled every weekend throughout Europe. Ryan Air had just launched, so we could go to Paris or Venice or Spain or Rome for $40. And we did. After graduating, I was ready to return to San Francisco."
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- "Pat had started Java Beach in 1993 with an empty briefcase and a big dream, and when we returned to S.F., there was a lot of work to be done at Java Beach. I helped while I took many different positions trying to find my calling: I worked for a tech company, I worked for the State of California reinvestigating death penalty cases, taught at City College, worked on a film about the Irish peace process and the families who grieved, and wrote about the peace process. It was a fun and exciting time, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Some of these jobs were short because I treated my career like speed dating. If I thought they weren’t a long term fit, I quit and moved onto the next position. I did all this while re-building Java Beach with Pat. In 2001, Pat’s original business partner was leaving. I remember Pat saying to me, 'Will you be my business partner?' which hadn’t occurred to me, but the next thing I knew it was official. But, it didn’t immediately change my career trajectory. Once we finished rebuilding Java Beach, we began rebuilding the neighborhood. We brought our family, friends and neighbors, and local officials together to build a park, and in the process we began rebuilding a neighborhood. My career life didn’t change much until I had my second son. With my first son, Kevin, I was still working, writing, and managing elements of Java Beach on the side. But, when Conor arrived, I realized that in order to mother the way I wanted to, I had to completely be my own boss. It was about timing, it wasn’t about working. I had to work when they were asleep or at night or when Pat would come home or when my family could help out. I had to be in charge of my time. And quickly I started opening more cafes with Pat. We opened Java Beach at the Zoo in 2008 with Kevin and Conor in tow. They were part of the whole process. I had no nanny, which is so crazy to think of, and I don’t necessarily recommend it. I was potty training Conor right before we opened. I remember shopping for ovens at a big restaurant showroom and hearing 'pee, pee' and sprinting across the showroom to the bathroom and racing him to the toilet. I made it, that time. Then, I bought a vintage Probat coffee roaster in 2009 and officially began my tactile coffee roasting exploration. My third son, Dylan, arrived in 2009, too. Then, we opened Beachside Coffee Bar & Kitchen in 2011. And we were slated to open another location. It was truly surreal. But, this was what I wanted at that time. I wanted a job that I could bring my kids along to."
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- Buffy wears a Kamperett skirt and Innika Choo shirt
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- "I don’t suffer from mom guilt. I guess I am lucky. I suffer from mom worry—like am I going to remember to fill out that form so that I ensure my son is enrolled in time for some activity? Or whatever the form, bake sale, birthday party rsvp, etc., there is. There are so many tasks that come flying at you as a parent that it is easy to get overwhelmed and forget something. The fear of messing something up motivates me. The worry of dropping one of the balls in the juggle gets me to stay up and fill in the form, order the uniform, bake the cookies, email the teacher or whatever it is that is going to make my kid’s life fuller, better, more enriched, part of a community of people. But I don’t have mom guilt from working. I honestly think I am a better mom because I work. That is not to say it is easier. I just think I am personally fulfilled by the work I do and therefore I am a better person and a better mom. Everyone needs to find what is right for them, and I don’t have any judgments on working/not working. I think as mothers we always put our kids first, which is great, but I think that if our kids think they are the center of the universe at all times that isn’t always the best for them, so it is a fine line. I know that when it is time for my kids to go to college, they'll know I have developed a meaningful life outside of them and they are free to explore the big, wide-open world without worrying about me. That is a gift my mother gave me and I think it is so invaluable and empowering. And challenging!"
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- "Kevin John, Conor Patrick, and Dylan Blaise. Kevin is named after both of our fathers. Kevin was my dad and John was Pat’s dad. Conor is named after Pat’s twin cousin in Belfast—first cousins born on the same day in the same year. Patrick is after everyone—most especially, my husband, but also my grandfather, my brother, my nephew—everyone is named Patrick in our family. Dylan, well with the third kid you have either a.) fulfilled all of your familial names or b.) just want to do what you want to do. Mine is a mix. Dylan is mostly named after Bob Dylan, whom I love and view as an amazing poet, and also after Dylan Thomas, whose words are like songs. And when I looked the name up in 2009, it said 'man of the sea.' I liked that. And Blaise was envisioned as a nod to my mother-in-law. I had the best mother-in-law anyone could ask for. And when she passed away we were all so lost without her. It felt so weird to have a baby and not bring the baby straight to her house from the hospital. At any rate, my mother-in-law passed away before Dylan was born and I wanted to honor her. She was a librarian and loved books and she had wanted to name her first born child Blaise. My father-in-law was not too interested in that name and my brother-in-law was never named Blaise. Coincidentally (or fate?), Dylan was born at home by accident on the Great Highway and was delivered by local firemen. Blaise is often a saint associated with firemen. His name was chosen before his unexpected birth plan."
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"Conor is 12 years old and is in constant motion. He is currently into basketball, soccer, and is a master strategist. He shoots baskets and dribbles a ball at almost all times. He loves the fashion involved with basketball: the shoes, the shorts, the leg arms, the leggings—the whole vibe of basketball is his thing right now. But, he has always loved playing and watching sports and knows all of the rules and all of the moves and masterminds a lot of strategies. I love to see the wheels of his mind work."
"Dylan is 9 years old and at the moment, he appears to be a storyteller in the making. He is really into the intricate story plots of superhero stories. Flash, Power Rangers, and comic books, he dissects it all and analyzes it. And then he develops stories as offshoots of what he reads or watches. He also makes books—he draws, writes, and then makes copies and staples it all together. He just asked me for a typewriter so he can write his own book and write letters to TV writers, and make suggestions of potential stories and new characters."
Buffy wears a Teija shirt and vintage Levi’s from General Store.
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- "Kevin was born on Valentine’s Day and he was a boy full of love. He was so outgoing and engaging. He entered a room and everyone wanted to know him and he was so friendly and inclusive. He was everyone’s friend. Kevin loved to play. He was particularly into soccer, but he was a natural athlete. He also loved superheroes and stories. He loved books and book time. He loved his cousins, loved being a big brother, and he was sincerely mostly always happy and laughing."
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- "We made a conscious decision to keep Kevin very present in our home and in our lives. We have photographs from his life throughout our home. We talk about Kevin not is a hushed somber voice but in a joyous way. We share memories and talk about Kevin, he is still very much part of our family. His memory of love and joy is a legacy we cherish and cultivate."
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- "Real deep talks with my kids can be exciting. We have long talks about all sorts of stuff and I love hearing their voices and their ideas and their perspectives. It is trippy and exciting to watch them grow into themselves and yet to recognize that they aren’t that different than the newborn personalities they once were. And it is an honor to get to buoy them through." "My most favorite part of being a mother is taking my kids traveling to far off remote destinations. One of the dream elements of coffee is going to coffee farms and I often drag them along. That’s not to say it is always easy—it’s not—but it is always fruitful. I love taking my boys on real life adventures and showing them different cultures and different ways of living and exposing our inherent biases and showing the beauty everywhere in the world. That excites me. They have seen so much of the world in their young lives, and I can hear how it has shaped them. So amazing."
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- "In some ways, I am surprised I never had a girl. I assumed I would have a daughter, but, in other ways, I realize all boys suit me. I am the oldest child and I think it is fair to say that I was raised 'like a boy.' Which I think all girls should have the benefit of. When I say that, I mean my father and my grandfather—both strong men—imparted all of their wisdom on me as if I was a boy, and my mother was a feminist from the era of 'anything men can do, women can do better' strain, so I wasn’t shielded and there were no princess fantasies being sold to me. Raising boys is very intuitive for me. I love their energy, their humor, their strength, their fragility, their rawness. I love that they learn by doing. I love tactile learning. I can get into that. I am excited to model a strong woman and to show how to move through the world loving and respecting all people."
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- "I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I don’t know how I knew that, but I did."
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"I feel like my advice would be not to take any advice but to make your own way. There is so much pressure to do everything perfectly and you can lose yourself in that search, when I think we know what to do deep down without all the distractions. My advice is to be yourself in your motherhood and however that shows up is perfect. That’s not to say you won’t need help! We all need help, but just try to be gentle on yourself and trust yourself. You got this!!"
Connor and Dylan wear Nike.
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"I was raised unconventionally Monday through Friday by my parents who were hippies and rule breakers, and then, on weekends, I was deposited at my grandparents house, who were super conventional, traditional and rule followers. I benefited so much from all of the contradictions. I learned so much about everything because of the different vantage points shared as a given and it empowered me to make my own collage of what I liked and what didn’t fit for me from the two different worlds. Family was an important constant."
"My parents were raised in Catholic schools and much to my grandparents’ horror, they sent me to San Francisco public schools for K-8th grade. This was an amazing experience for me. The 1980s in San Francisco were diverse and eclectic and wild. I met different people from different backgrounds and it was a great experience. There were other elements of the city that were unsafe by today’s standards, but I learned how to navigate them and I was more empowered for having experienced it. And then, for high school I did a complete 180 and went to University High School, an academically rigorous school in Pacific Heights. There I had another fantastic experience. Coming from public schools in the Mission—before the Mission experienced hipsters—and then attending UHS in Pacific Heights was such a huge shift. The academic education was phenomenal. I learned to write, to organize my thoughts, to speak my truth and back it up, and to own my intelligence."
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- The twin pleasures of surf and pastries.
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- "I love clothes and I have a lot of fun putting clothes together in my own way. Sometimes, I feel like wearing high heels with jeans and other times I feel like wearing my Vans with dressy pants. I like to create some sort of juxtaposition in an outfit that says 'yes, I love embracing my femininity, and yes, I can hold my own wherever I go.' I have phases, too. But, I always love bags. I love sunglasses. I love glamour. I love having fun with my clothes, and sometimes I like being a bit over the top. Other days, I am understated. Clothes to me are a way to express myself and I enjoy that form of expression."
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- Some of the San Francisco crew of cousins.
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- "I have always enjoyed clothes and that didn’t change. My sons' love of sports bling has been fun to incorporate into my own style and run with it—Nike Air Jordans, bomber jacket, baseball hat—but I have always had enjoyed a 'street style' growing up in San Francisco, and I often pair it with a classic. I actually think I influenced their style, not the other way around. Style is a personal expression and I love leading by example that I am my own person with my own take on things open to new ideas, but original and authentic to who I am."
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- "I love my vintage Tom Ford purse, my Prada black block heels, my Sacai bomber jacket and, in the winter, my black V-neck Frances Austen cashmere sweater. My dad was a huge fan of cashmere and the Frances Austen sweaters are simply the best I have worn. The trouble is I wear them all the time. Black jeans are my go to and I have a lot of different brands, such as Mother, Paige, JBrand, but they are comfy and presentable. I love Curator’s painter pants when I feel like adding some color. They are fabulous and comfortable and soft. When it warms up, I love Brother Vellies mule slip ons—they are so unbelievably glamorous and so fun, so colorful, so expressive, and so comfortably feminine. It’s actually sort of dangerous: I want them all. I think what Aurora James is doing is great. I love her style and her mission. I want to build more Kamperett into my life. I am drawn to the designers' classic elegance and the lines of their clothes are so wonderful. The black high-waisted skirt I bought from them is so perfect, I wear it all the time and always get compliments on it. Freda Salvador is obviously always a favorite. I find that when I shop for Fredas, I gravitate towards their shoes that are not staples, but show stoppers. And I always get glowing comments on my Fredas."
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- "I try to keep a pretty simple and, therefore, attainable beauty routine. I like my skin to be really clean and hydrated. I use a warm washcloth to wash my face, toner, and then I slather on Vinter’s Daughter. The stuff is amazing. I seriously can’t believe it and I am now an annoying convert. My friends were annoyed with me evangelizing Vinter’s Daughter serum and then they tried it and now they have seen the light and will not go back. I also use Glossier boy brow every single day and I don’t know what I did before I wore that. Glossier partnered with Lady Falcon and they gifted me all this luscious make-up and it was a game changer for my beauty routine. I am really enjoying playing with Glossier Play, it is so fun and it stays on and isn’t goopy. The rest of my beauty brands change. I like Kerstin Florian SPF, I like Chanel mascara. I like to mix certain elements up."
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- "I strength train three times a week, and try to do some cardio five days a week. Some weeks are better than others. I notice I am a lot clearer and a lot more efficient when I do, so I always try to encourage myself on days that I feel like I don’t have time. I also love going into the ocean, I don’t consider this working out, I consider this a hybrid of meditation and self-care. I do meditate most days."
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- "Being in or near the ocean is 'me' time for sure. It could be a walk on the beach or a jump in the water. It calms my soul, reminds me of who I am, and where I am going, and what is important. The ocean is so expansive and we are all so small in the scope of it all. That is freeing to me. I also love going to art exhibits—whether it is bigger museums such as the Legion of Honor, de Young, or SFMOMA, or to the smaller galleries that are celebrating artists such as the Great Highway Gallery or visiting the personal studios of artists, like my friend Georgia Hodge’s Mud Studio. And I love, love, love going to Green Apple Books. I could stay in there for days. All of these provide me with creative restoration."
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"On the Lady Falcon front—so many things, as always. I'm constantly walking around with a million ideas in my head. I would like to further cultivate our online sales—we just released an update to ladyfalconcoffeeclub.com—and I'd love to expand our list of stockists. Right now some awesome, inspiring companies like Anthropologie and Food52 sell LFCC, but I've got my eye on quite a few more. Boutique shops, too! I'm in awe of some of the curated assortments that I've seen smaller shopkeepers pulling together. Incredible. I'm also focused on introducing and educating people about the health benefits (and delish taste!) of cascara—the dried coffee cherries with which we make a blended tea with. Right now, we make a cascar-hibiscus tea. And I have a few other superfood blends in the line up. And through it all, I would love. love, love to further collaborate with like-minded creators and do fun projects with my team—I've met so many incredible women on this journey and bringing them into the fold has become somewhat of a mission for me."
"We just launched the Lady Falcon Coffee Club subscription series—it's a new and super fun way to get LFCC at home or the office. Each Club subscription delivery includes coffees, tips, goodies from different collaborators, and some exciting exclusives. It is just in the beginning stages, but it is going to be an exciting way for us to be part of people's daily coffee experience across the country and make their subscriptions extra special and unique. I have a ton of ideas to collaborate with other brands, but right now I am building it up and creating a direct relationship with our base. We have people all over the U.S. that want to have LFCC and want a direct dialogue with us and that is amazing. So, it is going to be fun to cultivate and to grow all this on our online store, and to bring all the Lady Falcons out there their sustenance for living their best lives."
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- "Personally, in addition to being a present mother and partner, I would like to work on my writing. I have been working on a book of fiction set in pre-tech San Francisco and I would like to get that into the shape to share it with a publisher or a filmmaker."
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For more on Buffy and the Lady Falcon Coffee Club, be sure to follow along on Instagram.
For S.F. locals and visitors, the Lady Falcon Coffee Truck can be found at Alamo Square Park, Friday through Sunday.
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Hello,
I’ve read this with tears in my eyes….
Buffy, I just want to tell you that you are a very strong woman, inspirational and beautiful spirit. I truly admire you! <3
I want to send good thoughts from Luxembourg.
Laloliette
Buffy, Just finished reading your incredible story. Enjoyed ever word. We have known you since you were a baby and taking us on this heartfelt journey was amazing. You have a lot of angels watching over you with big smiles and so proud of the woman you are today. Love, Bob and Sharon
Just cried my eyes out you incredible tiger mum, you look fabulous to boot. Your boys are awesome could see wee kevin in them, my goodness its uncanny. They wont even remember me now, the last day we played boiled with pat on the beach. I think of u all practically every day. Love you beautiful example of the female entrepreneur. Love ya,s – marie xxx