Mother Stories
Meet Surya Kishi Grover, Founder Of Tosan and Mama of Three Boys
Written by Erin Feher
Photography by Photography by Maria del Rio
Nov 26, 2019
We love today’s mama, Surya Kishi Grover, for so many reasons. For starters, we have been long-time fans of her company, Tosan, which offers up thoughtful, ethical, and beautifully designed items for members of the second-coolest club on the planet: dads. Then there’s her incredible home—a century-old beach shack that she and her husband redesigned from the ground up, moving in with just weeks to spare before she birthed her second son there (right in the pretty playroom, we might add). But what really gets us is the raw-yet-insightful way she talks about motherhood. With three handsome sons, a gorgeous house on the beach, and well, that hair, she could very easily be one of those Insta mothers who makes it all look easy—who insists that her kids really do just want to play with those handcrafted wooden toys. Instead, she never backs down from the chance to take a hard look at herself, her kids, and her life, and express the joys and challenges in ways that makes the Internet stand up and shout “YESSSSS! THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT.” So today, we asked her about all of it—the surprise third kid, the postpartum anxiety, the pressure to do it all right, and the grace in getting it wrong sometimes. Plus, we check out her house and bananas new backyard oasis. Click through for the full tour, and to get to know one hell of a woman.
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- "We found our house four years ago. We looked in neighborhoods all over the city, once we had accepted the fact that we’d probably have to leave our beloved Bernal Heights for more space and a yard. It’s in the Outer Sunset which just seemed so far out. But I came to an open house. 'I have a feeling about this place,' I said. My husband, ever the pragmatist, saw it and said, 'Hmmm. Maybe you don’t have a feeling about this house. It’s a disaster.' Even our real estate agent gently pointed out that most places you buy for the bones, but this place didn’t even have those. Ha! But we just kept coming back to it and it felt right."
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- "I would say, '70s Big Sur with less redwood, Scandinavian but less clean, with as much Sea Ranch as I can cram into a house that is much less angled and wood and round windows than Sea Ranch. Is that a style?"
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- "It was a complete gut job. Upside: We didn’t have to feel bad about losing any period details. There were literally zero things that needed keeping. Downside: Doing a ground up remodel is pretty intense and so expensive. We lived at my step-dad’s house and commuted over an hour into the city every day for a year and a half. But we definitely wouldn't have been able to afford it any other way. We stretched so far to make this happen. Saved, borrowed, did a construction loan, ate peanut butter and jelly. Has been so worth it though! We had worked with our architect, Christi Azevedo, and contractor team, Ronan and Claude, on our previous flat in Bernal, and we love them like family and trust them completely. It took a little over a year from ground-breaking. We moved in a month before I gave birth to our second babe, so the clock was really ticking. We were planning on having a homebirth and really wanted it to be in our new space."
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- Surya wears a Natalie Martin dress. Mikio wears a Bobo Choses sweatshirt and Kid and Kind pants. Isao wears a Nico Nico shirt and Bobo Choses pants. Masi wears a Rudy Jude sweatshirt and Bobo Choses pants.
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- "Less is probably more, unless it isn’t. I get really excited and want to have all the things that very second. But who can live like that? You need to collect things over time. Things need to be meaningful. So starting slow and waiting for the right pieces is important to me. That being said, I love collections. I love that our house is filled with ceramics, from other artists as well as things that I’ve amateurly made. I hope our kids grow up feeling a connection to the art in our home, rather than having a house full of expensive, cool things that I bought impulsively on the internet."
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- "Our living room is legit for living in. We spend 80% of the time we are awake in the house in the living room and kitchen. So we wanted to have the space be open and conducive to just hanging out. It’s actually not a huge footprint so it was important to get the scale of things correct. Our friend Derek built our couch with custom specs to fit the space. We picked a less deep seat than he usually does so there would be more play area. I couldn’t find a coffee table I liked that I could afford initially but now I love that there isn’t one. Someday we will sit there and read and need a place to put drinks or something but these are not those days. These are the days I’m glad to have the floor space and nothing for my babies to knock their heads on."
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- "My favorite things are the ones that I know the people who made them. Our couch was a total splurge, but when I saw that my bestie’s brother Derek was making these amazing pieces, we made it happen. It was a stretch for us, but honestly not any more expensive than a new piece from a big company. Furniture takes so much time and labor to create, and then you add actual quality materials, it really adds up! Derek was a dream to work with and we looked high and low to source my signature yellow color for the upholstery. I also love love love the ceramic lights we have in the dining room, stairwell, and our bedroom. My ceramics teacher Andy threw the vessels and then we had them wired. I look at them every day and just feel so lucky to live with them. My stepdad is an incredible woodworker. He’s actually good at almost everything. I have only recently stopped calling him when I’m lost when I’m driving, but that’s just since smart phones. Anyway, he built us an incredible baby gate for our stairs. And the bookcase in the library. And the little shelf. Probably other stuff that I’m forgetting. He’s amazing."
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- That first baby bond.
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- "Yes, and yes. We have a playroom / library / guest bedroom. But there are a few toys in the kids’ rooms and in the living room and our room and the shower and...you get the picture. That being said, we try to limit the amount of things that are out at any given time and keep most of it in the playroom."
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- "Whether there are two or two hundred toy and book options, they will get them all out. It’s impressive, really, how fast things become complete chaos. And then they don’t even end up playing with any of it because it’s overwhelming for the entire floor to be covered. In the few times we moved before we landed here, we purged every time and try to emphasize to our kids that we are so lucky and have so much that we just don’t need more stuff. So we have them keep a minimal number of books and toys downstairs and the rest is in the attic. Then when they want to play with something different, they know they have to trade for something that is taking a similar amount of space. It actually works really well, but our attic was a total disaster so it was hard to be thoughtful about putting things away. Or to even know what we had. I went on a maniacal organizational bender. Now, everything is in separate tubs and everything has a place. My Capricorn husband has never loved me more. And my Virgo son was totally entranced. He helped me take Polaroids of the contents of each box so they don’t have to pull it out to see what’s inside. Plus, they can see what’s supposed to be in there and put it back. That will happen, right?"
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- "Moms are so rad. I mean, truly. We don’t teach our kids, 'Don’t talk to strangers,' because we talk to strangers all the time! We live in a city. We say hello to neighbors. We know all people who work in the businesses on our street. It’s important to interact with other people, to get to know people you don’t already know. So we tell them, 'If you’re lost, find a mom. She’ll help you.' Because I’m putting my money on moms being amazing. Most of my friends and women I admire are moms. I’m just so psyched to be a part of the club."
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"What doesn't make me nervous? if I think back, I probably have had anxiety issues forever. At seven, I remember being worried that my life was all a dream, that I was going to wake up and be a baby and have to do it all again. At eight, I worried that every time anyone I loved drove away, it would be the last time I saw them. I always felt like I needed to say a true, loving, goodbye...just in case. When I think about my oldest being just a few years from that, it makes me so sad. What a lot to take on as a kid."
"After I had Isao—my second baby—I got pregnant again almost immediately. It was shocking. So I don’t know if it was postpartum or antenatal but I was in a deep, dark place. I was beyond sad. I just sat in my bed and cried. Not heaving sobs, no questioning the universe . . . just big, silent tears from nowhere. I felt everything and nothing. I did things that needed to happen. I got dressed, I ate, I nursed my baby, another baby growing in my belly, making me nauseous and numb. I couldn’t sleep, and as I lay there, night after night, I pictured every horrible thing happening to my children. Saw them in water and fire. Saw car accidents and plane crashes. And then I would curse myself, convinced that my imagination would be what manifested it into reality. Even though I knew it was hormonal and I knew it would pass, I felt absolutely lost."
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"I moved through most of that, but the worries survive. I worry about everything from my kid getting bullied to my kid being a bully to melting polar ice caps to police brutality to mental illness back to drowning and plane crashes. I worry about plastic in the oceans and water and soil being poisoned. I worry that my husband will die early. I worry that life will pass without me realizing my full potential. I worry about it all. And then I worry that I’m missing out on the best things because I’m worried about the rest of it."
"I got some bodywork done after I had my third son, Masi, and it was the first time I was able to quiet my mind a little bit. And the thing that kept coming to me was, 'you cannot worry them safe.' There is no prize for martyrdom, for being the best worrier. That hasn’t solved my anxiety issues, but I try and stop myself and literally say out loud, 'Surya, it’s ok. You’re ok. They are ok. You will be ok, no matter what.' Now, I can certainly talk myself out of that. So many ways I wouldn’t be ok. But usually in the moment that’s enough to move on to the next thing and get out of the cycle. I’m realizing now that the question was what makes me nervous, not scared. But these are obviously big, top of mind issues for me."
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- A quiet moment in the kitchen, which features an Ikea cabinet system with custom doors.
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"I come from a family of strong women. I have a sister. My mom has a sister. My grandma is from a family of thirteen kids but she was closest to two of her sisters, one of whom had two daughters, who then went on to have three girls between them. There are really very few boys in our family. So I couldn’t imagine what having a boy would be like."
"We never found out the sex in advance. When I was pregnant with Mikio, everyone told me he was a boy. People stopped me on the street to tell me. On his due date I went to Target and an older woman said, 'You know that's a boy right? I can tell because when you’re having a boy, you don’t care about what you look like.' Um, ok. Anyway, all that made me dig in my heels and want a girl just to spite them. When he was born, it was a few minutes before we even remembered to ask about the sex. Nick asked, and yep, another boy! But from that moment, he was just ours."
"I’d like to say that I had really strong feelings about the other two. But no. I just sort of assumed they would be boys, especially Masi. I couldn’t imagine having a girl, but three boys?! That seemed crazy, too. But here we are with three boys! Mostly I’m excited for brothers having brothers. I have a sister who I am absolutely obsessed with. It’s a magic that I know. Also, raising boys is an amazing opportunity. Raising boys who know how to have feelings, who can talk about what scares them and makes them sad. Raising boys who can be vulnerable and ask for help and express love in an unabashed way. Raising feminist boys. We need boys to dismantle the patriarchy. And that can be my boys. That’s exciting."
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- Surya wears a Skarsgorn striped shirt, Black Crane pants and a Babaa sweater. Isao and Mikio wear Nico Nico shirts. Masi wears a See Sun top, Bobo Choses pants, and a homemade handkerchief.
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"My name is Surya. It’s Sanskrit for the sun and is actually a very common male name in India, Nepal, and Indonesia. But my family is Japanese so we roll the 'r' in a non-Indian way and it sounds more like a 'd.' It’s all a little confusing and definitely something I explain daily. That being said, with a name like Surya, I didn’t want to name my kids Bob—no offense to all the baby Bobs out there. All of my kids have the same middle name as me, Kishi. It’s my mom’s family name and it was really important for me to pass that on to them. Mikio Fredrick is named after my grandpa, whose Japanese name is Mikio, and Nick’s dad Fred. Mikio means 'three trees.' Before Isao was born, we thought he might be a girl but the name Isao just kept coming to me all through my pregnancy. I had heard it before and liked it, and then my husband has an amazing coworker and friend named Isao that really sealed the deal. His middle name is Jimmy after my grandma’s favorite brother, who died when he was in his early 20s. My mom was a baby at the time, and my grandma was so devastated that her milk dried up. That has always broken my heart, but now as a mom, I can’t imagine."
"We had planned to name a girl baby after my grandma, whose name is Harue. When we had a third boy, we named him Maraharu in her honor. We call him Mas or Masi. His middle name is Pre after my husband’s favorite runner, Steve Prefontaine."
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"Mikio is 6 and into so many things. He had a 'ninja skateboarding' birthday this year, if that gives you any insight into his interests. Kids love Legos, and he’s no exception, but he builds really interesting things. It’s so cool to see how his mind works. He loves to get complicated sets but then use the pieces in his own way. Which I love! Think outside that box. He’s also super into drawing and art. He had zero interest for most of preschool, which I’m embarrassed to say, bummed me out. But then he went to this art camp that’s run by our friend, Edurne. I think it was the first time that someone, other than us, said, 'No pressure. You’re an artist. We are all artists. Create something if you want, or don’t.' They go to museums and just hang out with art. There aren’t complicated take-home projects. It’s about the process. Which is what art is about! She also genuinely loves them and kids can sense that. They know when someone is really on their team. And that security allows for so much beautiful growth."
"Isao is 2 and is the funny one. He’s charming and social. He loves animals. My husband takes him running to Golden Gate Park where they can see buffalo, which he asks for daily. He’s so obsessed that we made his second birthday buffalo themed. He refuses to sleep with soft toys and would rather clutch a small plastic pig or he also loves this traffic cone from a train set? Kids are weird."
"Masi is 10 months and into nursing and putting things that he finds on the kitchen floor into his mouth. I have made a hard push with all the kids to play with and love wooden toys, but so far his toy of choice is the nose drops bottle and end of the phone charging cord when it falls off the counter."
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- "I did! I mean, I never pictured what it would look like. I just knew I would have kids. And that it would super breezy and fun and I would be amazing at it. Maybe I should have spent more time visualizing it being easy."
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"It took us a year to get pregnant with Mikio. I think mainly because we didn’t really know what we were doing. I mean we knew how it works, but I was following some app on my phone. As soon as I tried taking my temp and charting that, it happened quickly. I had an easy pregnancy except that I am 5’2” and everyone asked me every day if I was having twins, so I had to really resist my rude comeback urges. There was a guy on the Embarcadero that I used to walk by while I was power walking and he would say, 'Twins?' and I would say, 'Nope. Not today either.' So one day, he said 'Triplets?' and I changed my route from then on."
"We had a homebirth and I loved it so much. I always say that whatever makes mama feel the most comfortable and empowered, that’s the 'right' way. For us, homebirth was absolutely the right choice. Mikio was huge, 9 pounds, 4 ounces. We have this amazing picture of our midwife, Jaime, weighing him and my mom’s face is totally in shocked awe."
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- "With Isao, it took about a year to get pregnant, too. We were moving and remodeling and I think we started trying and then stopped because things got crazy for me with work. This pregnancy was a bit harder because I was three years older and also had gestational diabetes. I could control it with diet and exercise—more power walking!—and acupuncture. But it was annoying. Birth was at home in our new house and was great! I had contractions the morning that we were already going to the hospital for a stress test. Everything looked perfect and they asked me if I wanted to make another appointment, but I said I was pretty sure I was having this baby that day, and I did! Labor was easier than the first time. In fact, I was complaining about being bored while I was in the birth tub. So I got out to try and speed things up and whoa. My water broke it was fast and terrible from there. He was even bigger than Mikio at 9 pounds, 9 ounces!"
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"Masi was a huge surprise. I had one period then my second period was late. I assumed it was some weird hormonal thing. I kept Googling it and quite a few people said, 'Yeah, I thought it was just a second period thing but then I was pregnant.' Of course, this was not me. So I just took a test to rule that out. It was positive before I could even put it on the counter. I was completely shocked. Nick was taking Mikio to school so I was home alone. Well, actually no, I had my six month old napping in the next room. I texted my midwife and friend Jaime, 'FUCK' with a picture of the test. Nick tells the story of how he was wracking his brain for what he could have done that I needed him to rush home to talk. Pregnancy didn’t make the list."
"I had gestational diabetes again and it was rougher this time. It was harder to control and I actually got a prescription for insulin. We were going on a 'We might never be able to travel again with three kids' trip to Italy, and I was worried about trying to figure out blood sugar control options overseas. But the first morning of the trip, I woke up and my numbers were the lowest they had ever been. It was so stress related. I never had to use the insulin, luckily."
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"His birth was interesting. I was really trying to control it. I think because I was still in such shock that I was going to have three kids, and that the last two would be fifteen months apart, that maybe life owed me the solid of giving me the birth I wanted. I wanted him to be early. The first two were ten days and a week late. I was terrified that he would be bigger still. So I told everyone that would listen that I was going to have a solstice baby. It was a full moon. The story was perfect. Then the babe wouldn’t be born on Christmas and he or she would be a party-time Sagittarius. The holidays came and went with nary a peep. I had contractions here and there, one night for three hours. But I took a shower and they stopped. I tried everything, even castor oil. NOTHING. Life consistently sits me right on my ass and says, 'You’ll get what you get, when the time is right.'"
"The day he was born, we went to the beach and I dipped my toes in the cold ocean and I tried to just shut up about it. It was clear I wasn’t manifesting anything. Baby was coming when baby was coming. We had pizza—I only ate the toppings because, gestational diabetes—and walked home and I had contractions the whole time. He was born eight hours later. In a lot of ways, it was my hardest birth. I wasn’t a first timer, who didn’t know what it would be like. And I had JUST had another baby. There was no time to forget how hard it would be. I never was able to just let go and let it be."
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"No. I quit my corporate design job when I had Mikio, and launched my business, Tosan, just after Mikio turned one. I did a horrible job of taking a leave after Isao and Masi. After Isao, the postpartum anxiety just swallowed me. I couldn’t get myself to pack orders. I couldn’t get myself to do anything. I got in this awful cycle where I was terrified to check my work email, so I didn’t check it, which made me even more sure that there were thousands of emails telling me what a failure I was and how disappointed everyone was in me. I had insomnia and I would lay in bed, hot tears running down my cheeks, just telling myself over and over, 'You are complete garbage. You have this company and you have dropped every ball and everyone hates you.' I eventually sat in a cafe for a few hours, crying again, but at least there a wall that I could face, and I answered my emails. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I posted about my struggles on Tosan's Instagram feed and people were SO supportive."
"You’d think I’d have learned from that experience and done it differently this time around. But no. I should have just shut the store down for a few months. Just put an out-of-office reply on and hunkered down with my baby. But I didn’t. And the email and order anxiety happened again and again. SIGH. At ten months postpartum I’m finally getting out of the fog, but I’m seeing that there are just parts of my job that I really struggling with. No solves yet, but my husband now checks the email for me so that has helped a lot. Baby steps?"
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- Surya wears a Rudy Jude dress.
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- "I really want to love Janet Lansbury. The things she says make so much sense. But I find in practice...do I just have harder kids??? I mean, I don’t. Right? Anyway, most parenting books I feel similarly about. I think they have great ideas and I try to incorporate the things that work for our family and I screw up minimally 50% of the time. The most helpful thing for me has been just talking to other moms. The solidarity of hearing that other families are struggling with the same things is a great reset for me."
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"So many. To be honest, there are very few moms that I know that I don’t look up to in some way. This is such a hard job. And every time I’m around other moms, I watch them in awe, navigating the everyday. My own mother is a beacon of motherhood glory. She shows up, like no other. When I was pregnant with Mikio, my mom read an article about how much more postpartum support women in other cultures have. In many places, there is a thirty to forty day time period where new mothers are cared for, nurtured, and allowed to connect with motherhood and their babies without the pressures and expectations of the outside world. And how we are failing mothers in America—many women don’t even get two weeks of maternity leave, much less four weeks of being cared for. My mom read that article and offered to stay with us for forty days after the baby was born. It’s one of the most amazing gifts she could have ever given me."
"For me, that’s a lot of parenthood. Just be there. Be present. Grand gestures are great but in the end, you just need someone to drive you to piano lessons for the 97th week in a row, to remind you about your water bottle that you always forget at school, to remember that you like green olives better than black."
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"I grew up in the dusty fields of the Central Valley in California. My grandfather and his brother had a farm—peaches, almonds, and sweet potatoes. My mom got her teaching degree after my parents got divorced. Our town is quite small and I was a bit of an anomaly. Not in a way that I felt judged or a total outsider, but I was just different. Most of my friends were Mexican-American or Indian-American whereas I am mixed, Japanese and caucasian. They were all Catholic or Sikh and their parents were often a good ten years younger than my hippie mom who took us to see gurus and did 'weird' things like meditation. I went to countless quinceañeras and weddings where I felt like the only person not going up to take communion."
"One of the most formative things about my childhood was that I grew up across the street from my grandparents. My parents got divorced when I was seven? Eight? My stepdad came into the picture shortly after, but he lived in the Bay Area until my parents retired, so I consider myself growing up with a single mom. She was doing the lion’s share of it all on her own, along with my grandparents. As a result, we spent a lot of time with them. I have so many memories of eating bologna sandwiches and alphabet soup in their cool, green-linoleum-floored house. We played outside all day. My sister is three years younger, so while she probably grew up faster having an older sister, I grew up slower. We were still playing fairies and make believe far past my peers, I’m sure. I remember we saved our allowance for months and months to pool it and buy an American Girl doll. I think I was twelve by the time we saved enough. Needless to say, I didn’t get much play out of it."
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"Winging it. Truly. I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. I try to be respectful. I talk to my kids. I don’t hide things from them. I’m honest. I apologize when I mess up, which is a lot. But I feel like there is a lot of power in that. It’s ok to be human. You will screw up. I will screw up. I might yell at you even though that’s not helpful at all. You will tell me you hate me. But we can heal together. I just hope that my kids get that. That I will show up for them. And do the work. That we are constantly learning and growing but that we are a team. And that tomorrow is a new day and they are so loved that it makes my face hurt."
"The other part of parenting for me is letting go. I am naturally a bit neurotic and get fixated on things. I’m super conscientious about what my kids eat because I can see a clear connection between the food they eat and how they are able to function. That being said, I won’t be the person who doesn’t let them eat a cupcake at a birthday party. It’s just not worth it. What I can do is make their birthday cakes. I can choose how to nourish them under my roof. And then I need to let go a little because it will make me crazy. I can want them to play with the magical wooden tree house toy in the playroom but also know that they are going to fill it with Ninjago Lego people. There needs to be space for both."
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"Yes and no. I’ve always been politically active and so that hasn’t changed. I grew up with a hippie mom, who is also Japanese, who took me to protests and was pretty candid about racism and sexism in America. Our family encouraged us to ask questions and have opinions. I’ve tried throughout the years to be active and stay informed, but the current political climate has made it so clear how far we still have to go. Though, truthfully, it’s always been there. More people are just seeing it now. This country was founded on the backs of slaves and indigenous people. That doesn’t just 'get better with time.' It takes acknowledgment and conscientious work."
"My grandparents and huge extended family were all sent to relocation camps during WWII. Their parents immigrated here from Japan in the early 1900s. My grandpa spent his 17th birthday in a horse stall at the local fairground where the horse shit had been whitewashed over to make it 'livable.' They, along with their families, were put on trains with covered windows—so they couldn’t see where they were being taken—and shipped to the desert in Colorado. Two generations of an entire ethnic population, changed forever. Not to mention how that trickles into today and beyond. All in the name of a completely baseless questioning of loyalty of a group of people based on their ancestry alone. They came here for a better life and were deemed dangerous with zero evidence. Not a single case of treason was ever found."
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"As an adult, as a mother, I think often of my great grandparents. I imagine the trauma and shame of packing your family into just the bags you could carry. How desperate it must have felt to be in the middle of a dusty wasteland, unable to give your children the single thing we all strive for...feeling safe. My grandpa volunteered for the Army from camp. While his country was filled with 'NO JAPS ALLOWED' signs, he and so many other Japanese-Americans volunteered to defend it. That’s astonishing to me."
"We talk a lot about privilege in our family. And justice. And inclusion. Because kindness is absolutely necessary and beautiful. But there were many kind people who did nothing while this atrocity happened. That happened then, it’s happening now. So kindness is a start but without conversations about justice and equity, about racism and classism and xenophobia and gender bias and abelism and homophobia and transphobia—it’s an incomplete conversation. Yes, be nice to the people around you. Speak kind words. But also, SPEAK UP. Learn to recognize microagressions and practice how to deal with them. Don’t be a bystander. Words matter. As a woman of color, raising white-presenting boys in America, I feel a real responsibility to teach them to acknowledge and use their privilege. So part of teaching kindness is saying, 'Your path is starting with so many less roadblocks than so many other people. What can we do to all move forward together?'"
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"I try not to give mamas-to-be advice, actually. I find that so much is just something you have to live through and find your own way. And my hard thing is not your hard thing and vice versa. I certainly don’t say, 'It goes so fast, savor every second.' because I’m dead in the middle of this shitstorm and while it does go fast, I suppose, that is so unhelpful to hear when you’re going through the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I usually say, 'I’m here. I’ll text you tomorrow. You don’t need to write back. I’ll drop food off on your doorstep. And come visit you for a few minutes when you’re ready.'"
"Beyond that, though, I always offer the practical suggestion of getting your birth and postpartum team sorted before baby comes. Have a doula. Find out if your hospital or birthing center has a lactation consultant, and if not, I strongly suggest you find one on your own. Hopefully it will all go smoothly and easily but if it doesn’t, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT and you have a team of people who can help when you’re in your most vulnerable state. And look up some mom groups before baby comes. Those early days can be so lonely and other moms are the best."
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"Whew! Social media. It’s weird, right? I love that it has given me access to people and places that I would never have encountered otherwise. And it’s allowed me to connect with women that I have become actual, in real life friends with. The underbelly of that is that it’s impossible to paint a true picture of life though an artfully composed grid. And it makes people feel like shit. Especially moms."
"We see these families that have it all figured out. A mother in a bikini, two weeks postpartum. Her other kids hanging calmly on a set of towels that you saw last week on an IG ad and are $250. Everything is in a color palette, all with the same filter. No one is crying or yelling or pooping. Her shirt is not milk-stained. She has beach waves and the kids are wearing white. HOW??????"
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"I’m guilty on several fronts of this. Number one, I’m a visual person. I’m a designer, although it feels weird to even write that out. I want things to be beautiful. So, yes, I take pictures of my kids and pretty things. I filter them and oddly do consider what my grid looks like. I also fall into the trap of looking at someone’s social media presence as a shot-for-shot reflection of their real life, while knowing how untrue that is for myself. But I also am very honest about how hard this is. Even with all of the things that make it so beautiful and full, I’m here to tell you, my life is insane. My kids fight all the time. They are either deeply in love or I can’t get them to stop hitting each other. My oldest has said he hates me so many times that the two-year-old has picked it up. My baby won’t take a bottle and wakes up every three hours at night. I’ve become a meme of a mother. I eat scraps and get up fifteen times during dinner because I can’t seem to set a table with napkins, utensils, and drinks. I am so patient until I’m not and then I’m a total jerk. I’ve yelled at my kids way too many times. Am I proud of these things? NO. Am I alone? NO."
"Every time I post something that is actually real, people are like, 'YES THANK YOU.' Because guess what, you acknowledging that life can be really tough, that sometimes you don’t like your kids even though you love them, that part of motherhood is fighting through the mundane—that doesn’t make you less of a mother. That doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job. It means you’re human. Everyone feels like that at some point. The social media version of motherhood is unattainable. Because even the people who look like they have it all together, still struggle. It’s hard to convey that in a grid, the messiness of love and life. We just have to remember that somewhere there is someone looking at you, the way you are looking at this other person. They think you have it figured out. Your messy hair looks easier to comb. They can see the beauty in your postpartum belly where you cannot. They see you thriving, while you flail. If only we could give ourselves the grace we grant to others—to our children, to our friends, to complete strangers. I’m definitely actively trying to work towards that."
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- How can you tell when a mama is a designer? When her baby matches the tile.
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- "Ha! Physically, emotionally, logistically, financially, mentally, I can’t have any more kids. That being said, hormones are powerful things. I still find myself watching birth videos and crying because birth can be just so beautiful. Or mourning that my belly will never swell again, that feeling of a little alien being poking its angles out at you. I’ve always wanted to adopt so maybe that! But I think biologically, I need to be done having kids."
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- Mama and her littlest.
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- "I have a company called Tosan. After I had my son, I realized there was no one catering to dads. I had this cool husband who was all in as far as being involved but every product in the market was geared towards moms. Tosan means Dad in Japanese, in a nod to my heritage."
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- "Tosan is the intersection of menswear and parenthood, selvedge denim and dad jeans, vintage trucks and car seats, half marathons and jogging strollers. We believe in the inherent and undeniable radness of fatherhood. We believe you were cool before kids, but you are cooler now. Sons and daughters change us at the deepest levels—but that shift doesn't necessarily mean you're super excited about using gear with baby ducks all over it. We get it. We source and create thoughtfully-designed, American-made goods for the papas of the world. You are busy showing a small human how to live and be, let us help you figure out the stuff you'll need along the way."
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- Halloween crafts by Mikio, turned by mama into fine art.
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"It’s a company comprised of just myself, so it’s definitely challenging to get things done and grow. It’s our five-year anniversary as a brand this year, which is crazy that it’s survived. Motherhood and small business are strange bedfellows. They seem like they should really work. But in reality, it’s so complex. The 'flexibility' of being able to work whenever means you are working all the time. It’s lonely. And as a creative person, I struggle with working by myself. I need collaboration! I need input! I need snack breaks with other humans! I worked for so many years in a big company, on a big team. Now I’m answering emails using 'we' at 11 p.m. and it makes me question everything."
"But I’m still so inspired by the concept. I still believe in the brand so strongly. I owe it to myself and my vision to give an all-in push at some point. What that looks like continues to evolve. What I do know is I don’t want to do it by myself. I want to work with other creatives, other dreamers, other visionaries, other moms. That’s exciting to think about."
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"I grew up in the Central Valley in California. I went to UC Davis and majored in Design. Interior Architecture was my focus. I thought I wanted to be an architect, but then I worked at a firm in college and realized I had far too short of an attention span for projects that last literally years. I graduated in 2002 when the second dot-com bust happened. I sent out hundreds of resumes and got nothing back. I finally just needed a job and got work at an after-school program. I was in charge of the art program and just general kid wrangling. At the time I thought I wanted to be a high school wood shop teacher and make furniture on the side. It was so fun! But I knew I didn’t want to do it forever."
"I then worked three jobs at a time for a couple of years, just trying to figure out what I wanted to do. I would spend my lunch breaks cold calling anyone I could find who had a cool sounding job. And I HATE calling like that. I hate the phone in general! But I was desperate to find my way. So, I called museum display designers and fashion show producers and model makers and t-shirt printers. I worked for a lighting designer and had an internship at a clothing company. And waited tables to make ends meet. I finally interviewed with a woman for an assistant position for her color forecasting company and she connected me with some freelance work at The North Face. At that point, I had zero apparel experience, but I could use Illustrator so I got the job. Eventually that led me to Old Navy, where I was for almost ten years in men’s apparel design."
"There was a lot of fake it til you make it with my career. So much of figuring things out on the fly and just working my ass off to keep up and succeed. Things don’t just come naturally to me. I’m not super talented or have amazing connections. This is not self detrimental, but a gift in itself. I know that I am willing to work harder than a lot of people. It makes me glad that everything doesn’t just happen for me. I know I’ve earned it."
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- The playroom, and whole-family nap room.
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- "Completely! I think if I hadn’t have had kids, I would still be at a big company doing design. It’s hard being on my own, but I also can’t imagine going back now. Plus, my company was literally inspired by my son."
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- "We do! My husband jokes that you need a 3 to 1, adult to kid, ratio for it to feel easy, which we never do anymore. My mom and sometimes my stepdad come up once a week on Wednesdays, which has been the greatest gift. We just started having a babysitter help out a few hours a week and it has been life changing. We can’t afford much more time, but just that small mental space has been huge."
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- "In a lot of ways, I don’t think I’m the one to ask. I’m struggling. Hard. But I would say, and I say this to myself more than anyone, to be gentle with yourself and your expectations. There is no way to 'do it all.' Ask for help, accept help. Lean on your community. Give yourself the grace of knowing that this is a point in time. There will be many years that you’re not in the thick of it all and you will have more time and energy to devote to whatever you feel like you’re lacking."
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"Yes! It’s hard because some of that is self imposed and some of that is society imposed. When I was pregnant, I asked my oldest what he would tell his soon-to-be-born sibling, and he said, 'Well, mama has Tosan and sometimes she’s too busy to play with you.' I was shocked. Nick works full time, where I was never able to swing that and yet, that’s what my kid perceived. That there was this other entity taking my attention. I struggle with feeling like I’m not doing a great job at either thing. And feeling guilty about that. It’s confusing when my anxiety presents itself in a way that I can somehow make homemade Halloween costumes but can’t check my email."
"What’s most helpful to me is just to talk to someone about it. I create so many narratives in my mind as I spin. When I’m forced to verbalize them, I'm clearer on what feelings are worth digging into. Either way, I know that I want my kids to watch me figure this out as they grow up. I want them to see me struggling and thriving and stretching and growing, so it’s important to not put aside my dreams and aspirations."
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- "Ah! The backyard is just so magical. Part of the reason we chose this house was the big yard but we ran out of money and time so it was a sea of weeds for two years. There was also still some construction debris leftover in the ground so it wasn’t safe to let the kids out there by themselves. Our friend Molly was just starting her landscape design business and took us on as early clients. I sort of thought she was going to just come have wine and chat about plants but she brought this incredible vision. I honestly can’t take much credit for design at all except that we had extensive conversations about the overall feeling—warm and lived in, like it had been there for years. The house is so clean and modern looking from the outside in the back. The garden needed to be soft and weathered. We also really wanted a place for the kids to play and create. We both grew up in rural areas and it was important that our kids have some semblance of having nature they could go and be in without us."
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- Surya wears an Ilana Kohn jumpsuit. Masi wears a Patagonia jacket and Boho Choses pants.
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"I love that they are growing up with access to so much. Whatever they are interested in, we can find a way to foster that. Art, music, food, nature—it’s all here! It’s also wonderful that are growing up around our friends who have really cool, diverse occupations—teachers, painters, woodworkers, designers, doctors, birth workers. It’s important that they see how many rad things there are to be as a grown-up and that a lot of the grown-ups they look up to haven’t necessarily taken the traditional go-to-college, get-a-desk-job path, and some of them have, and they are all thriving."
"We are in a bit of a bubble out here by the beach. It’s quiet. We know our neighbors. We are two blocks from Golden Gate Park and four blocks from the ocean. It’s pretty dreamy. An amazing added bonus is that we have a lot of friends who live in the neighborhood. We have to drive to Mikio’s school every day, but besides that we don’t really drive at all. I love, love, love that we can walk or ride bikes to so many amazing spots. In a single morning, we can be at the beach, ride to get spam musubi, walk to the skatepark, grab a coffee, and then stop at the grocery store on the way home."
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- "We are way out of the cool scene these days. Like, way out. But we do know our hood since we never leave it. And there is so much good stuff! Trouble for a girlfriend tea and a cinnamon toast. Andytown has the only decaf worth drinking and the best chocolate chip cookies. Avenues' Spam musubi. Enough said. People swear by the breakfast sando at Devil’s Teeth, but Mikio is more into the cookies that are as big as his face. Other Avenues is legit the best grocery store. Woods has a great wine and beer selection, and a fire pit outside. Outerlands is not a secret at all, but still SO GOOD. Buy the bread to-go on your way out. Make french toast with it the next day. Hook Fish has been the dreamiest addition to our neighborhood. They serve the freshest fish, which we get in their burritos, but also get to take home to cook as well. Woodshop is made up of the nicest group of guys, making the best looking stuff. Winning combo. Blackbird Books has a perfectly curated kids book section, story time on Saturdays, and an outdoor train set in the back. General Store and Case for Making are the best spots to grab a small, thoughtful gift. And we play all day at Blue Boat Park, Playland at 43rd, the beach, and Golden Gate Park."
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- "S.F. is a grind. So many people are over it. It’s expensive and gentrification is real and it feels like socioeconomic and racial diversity is at an all-time low. There is poop on the street and your car might get broken into. I get it. But there is also so, so much to love. The things that need improvement, I’m trying to be active in our community to combat. I’m not over you, San Francisco. You’re stuck with me for a while."
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- "Functional, comfortable, intentional. I’m running around all day. I’m still nursing two kids. I’m not wearing white silk. Lots of layers because it’s San Francisco and we live by the beach. But I try and keep the pieces from small, ethically produced brands. I actually have a very limited wardrobe. I wear maybe ten pieces. I keep refining that down so that even though I’m wearing the same thing a lot of the time, they are things that make me feel put together. I continue to try and buy less things that I know will last longer. I had a professor in college who wore an oversized striped button-down shirt, Hunter boots, and red lipstick every day. She always looked the same and always looked amazing. I’m aiming for that."
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- "Yes-ish? I think I dress cooler now. I was in fashion before so I bought more trendy pieces but from cheap, fast fashion brands. Being a mom has made me streamline everything, including my wardrobe. I’m far more thoughtful about buying pieces that will last forever. I also used to wear high heels??? Maybe never again."
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"Firstly, underwear. Bras are just a disaster for me to find. I actually have pretty big boobs and then add in that I’ve been nursing for four of the last six years...oh, and that the last two babies have only wanted to nurse on one side. WOW. Anyway, I found Pansy Co. and I love them so much. They run small, so I wear the XXL but they are so comfortable. Bras for big boobs are notoriously gross and matronly. I have a few pairs of pants, all the elastic waists. More comfortable, but they all have interesting shapes on their own. My current favorites are Black Crane, Poem, and Ijji. I tried on jeans the other day and it was so depressing. My poor body has been through the wringer. But I’m on the hunt for a good high-rise option with some stretch. I want to wear things like Kamm pants but they just don’t work for my body type."
"Then you need some good tees. My forever favorites are Skargorn because they are so thick. But I also have some Old Navy ones that are legit ten years old at this point and the perfect soft and thinness. I’ll be bummed when they die. I have a few jumpsuits, most of them Ilana Kohn, but I have some maternity ones from Storq that I will wear forever, pregnant or not, because they are so comfortable. And the Sunset jumper from Neve + Hawk! Of course, you need some layers. I have a Black Crane overshirt, an Ilana Kohn denim chore coat, and an Old Navy denim shirt that I just rotate. Oh and I have two Babaa sweaters. That’s really it."
"For shoes I have three pairs of Birkenstocks. It’s gotten so bad that when I dress up, I’m like, 'I can wear Birks with this, right?' Spoiler alert, I shouldn’t. I also buy nothing full price. Ever. Most of my stuff is from noihsaf.bazaar from IG, which if you haven’t heard of, you’re welcome. Midrange priced, used pieces. Keeps clothes out of the landfill and me out of the poorhouse. I wear my wedding ring and my beloved Ariel Gordon necklace every day. And add one of my two pairs of earrings when I’m getting fancy—a.k.a twice a year."
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"Shout out to Scunci for the hair ties that I drag my probably unwashed hair into a bun with every day. I need to do a WAY better job of having a routine. One thing is, I’m super focused on clean products, all around. So that is everything from laundry detergent to conditioner to mascara. Yes, I’m super neurotic about it. I try and avoid plastic if at all possible, use refillable containers, or buy things that can be recycled. I’ve gotten really sensitive to scents so I stick to things that use natural ingredients."
"Things that definitely happen: I wash my face in the shower with Luxaskin facial cleansing oil. It’s locally owned and developed by two super rad women that I’ve known for over ten years and it’s a moment of luxury I get every day...ugh, what a mom thing to say. I use Wildest toothpaste which I really like! And the tube is recyclable aluminum. I sometimes get it together to put lotion on my face. When I do, I use Luxaskin purifying moisturizer or Earth tu Face Oil. If it’s at night, I use Vintner’s Daughter, which was a total splurge, but I like it a lot. When I wash my hair, I use True Botanicals. I have SO MUCH HAIR. It’s sort of exhausting, but I haven’t gotten it together to get a haircut. It’s naturally wavy so if I do this very specific dance with it where I comb it at the appropriate time and put the right product in at the exact right time of the drying process...it looks ok. I just bought some Oribe stuff—not the cleanest, ingredient-wise—that seems to be working for me! For makeup, it’s either nothing or a full face with winged eyeliner. I use a tinted moisturizer and concealer from Luxaskin, but they are discontinuing their makeup line which is the worst news ever. Eyeliner is a Stila pen and has been for a good twelve years at this point. When I do cut my hair, it’s with Nichole at Barrow and a million shoutouts to Maddi at Michele Holmes Studio for helping me get my brows back to the large and in charge status of my dreams. The '90s were not kind to eyebrows. I’m looking at you, Gwen Stefani."
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"Well, I haven’t cut my hair in two years—not by choice—and I just got my first pedicure in a year the other day, so I wouldn’t say I’m killing it in the self-care arena. I’m like a lot of moms, I think. I start every day excited to do whatever thing—work out? go for a walk by myself? go to the bathroom by myself?—but the logistics of three kids get in the way and then it’s 8 p.m. and all I can muster is to watch Bravo—which I do, unapologetically—and laugh with my husband about how insane our kids are. So, the answer is I have no wellness routine but I should. I just started working out again in a group class for moms—like, I went once—which has been great! Oh! And I listen to an app on my phone to fall asleep. It helps my mind quiet down. Then every morning for the drive to school, it always kicks on through the bluetooth speaker in the van. Mikio and I have a good little laugh about it."
Mikio wears a Nico Nico shirt, a vintage jacket embroidered by Jillian Christofferson, and Vans. Isao wears a Bobo Choses sweatshirt and pants, Pulp Co. hat, and Vans.
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"I don’t get much. That is definitely something I’m actively trying to figure out. One of the hardest parts of three kids has just been the sheer logistics of it all. Drive the oldest to school, then the baby needs a nap, then the toddler needs a nap, but the baby wakes up exactly when the toddler needs to go down, then school pick up, get the baby back down for a nap, figure out what to make for dinner—which if I haven’t started by 4 p.m., I’m screwed—feed everyone, baths, books, bed. Luckily my husband works from home, so I have a lot of help. Then there are activities! I try to limit what classes we do so the kids have more time to just play. But let’s be real, I also just can’t figure out how to get to them all. When I had one baby, we went to story time and mom’s group and swimming and music. These last two I sing to in the bathtub so I think that’s basically the same, right?"
"When I do get time for myself, I want to spend it with adults. I try and hang with friends or have a rare date with my husband. We count anything from walking to the grocery store together to having drinks after the kids are all down, as a date. In fact, one of my favorite moments post kids was a trip to the grocery store where he said, 'Let’s grab a beer instead.' I laughed but he said, 'I’m serious! Your parents have the kids. Let’s just run over to the bar.' It was one of the most fun 15 minutes I’ve had. That being said, to get 'me time' I have to schedule it. Which really goes against my desire for spontaneity, but I don’t know who I think I am expecting an excess of free time with three children. The last few months, I’ve been taking a ceramics class once a week that has done wonders for my sanity."
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"It’s everything. But as I get further into motherhood, I’m starting to see that for me, being a role model is being human and accessible. I used to see role models as these markers of perfection that should be emulated in every way. But I am not perfect. I’m deeply flawed. I’m trying to figure it out, just like everyone else. So I want my kids to see me as growing, changing, adaptable, strong, vulnerable...I hope I can show them those things in myself so they can in turn, find it in themselves."
"I’m careful to never say anything disparaging about myself, physical or otherwise, in front of them. I will never be on a diet or criticize my body. Ever. They see me in the shower, or my belly exposed while I nurse. I try and picture how they see me, that they think I’m beautiful. That they will never look back and say, 'Remember that Mama had stretch marks?' They will just remember that I was a soft place to settle into, that I smelled like clary sage, that my glasses always left little red indentations on my nose bridge. They won’t know that I don’t like my arms unless I keep reminding them, and I won’t let them remember me being unkind to myself."
"I try to limit the critical things I have to say about other people around them as well. Writing that down, it seems so obvious, but in practice, keeping my sarcastic comments to myself is harder than it seems."
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- "Tosan is getting some well deserved attention next year. It’s a good idea. It’s a cool concept. It has legs. I started it by printing twelve sweatshirts and I grew it into a very respectable small biz, completely on my own. I can’t wait to see how it will evolve and blossom once I have the time and energy to give it what it’s due. Personally, there is so much and so little. I want to continue working on just being easier on myself. Be a little more selfish. Feel a little less guilty about it. It’s my 40th birthday next year and our 10th wedding anniversary. There will be a trip, adults only, and it’s going to be amazing. I’m going to miss my kids but they will be fine and we can toast them from a beach somewhere. Gotta put your oxygen mask on first."
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I love this woman!!!! What an absolute breath of fresh air. My dear friend sent me a text that said she liked this profile- that Surya is cool. She rarely texts me things like that, so I was curious. I just had my second baby at 40, and truly reading this was like therapy. Surya, if you read this, know you are making a difference in this world! Thank you for keeping it real.
Thank you for this profile! I had my third earlier this year too and feel so, so many of the things that she expressed! I will definitely be rereading when I find myself being too hard on myself for flailing or when my kids (like hers) veer wildly between loving each other intensely and hitting each other just as intensely. For as many ‘this motherhood gig is hard’ quotes I’ve read, I really identified with the struggle and beauty of really being open and honest and real with our kids, because we’re all just figuring it out and we’re all just human.
I loved seeing another half-Japanese mom featured on this blog! Thank you for sharing your life with us. I can relate to so much of what you’re going through right now, I haven’t cut my hair in a year and a half either! Love your style, your kiddos style and your home!
This is the single best interview I’ve read all year! I love Surya’s honesty and wit about real life and motherhood. What a fabulous mom, woman and human. Every mom needs to read this asap — sharing now!
Very good article. I certainly appreciate this site. Keep it up!