
Emilie Halpern On Parenting Through Loss and Breast Cancer
Written by Katie Hintz-Zambrano
Photography by Nicki Sebastian
While her house is the stuff minimalist dreams are made of, Los Angeles-based artist Emilie Halpern‘s life has been anything but utopian of late. Last year, the mother of a 6-year-old, Harold, lost her husband to suicide. Then, a month later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today, she opens up her Japanese-inspired abode and shares her story of love, loss, and life with us. With so many unexpected twists and turns in her path, the grace with which Emilie has handled her lot is truly inspiring. After reading her story, we’re sure you’ll feel the same.
- "We moved in when I was pregnant. I’ve always loved Los Feliz. It’s the neighborhood my late husband and I were both living in when we first met. It’s a post and beam built in 1962. It embodies how Japanese architecture influenced west coast architects. I remember sitting in the Japanese soaking tub during the open house thinking, this is it. This is my dream home. I lived in that tub for most of my pregnancy. Now it’s been 7 years."
- "I moved in in 2011, but it wasn’t until 2015 that I started the interior design process. My friend turned me onto The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I was so ready. I had changed when I became a mother, and my house had changed, but none of the furniture had changed. Changing my surroundings helped me figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. There was so much that felt out of control. Children have a way of forcing you to let go, and making you come to terms with unpredictability. But here was something I could control. I could control the way I felt when I walked through the door. And what I wanted to feel was serene. So I threw everything away! Ha! Does it spark joy? That’s what Marie Kondo wants you to ask as you you hold every object in your home. The answer was no. IKEA Billy Bookcase with your sagging shelf, you don’t spark joy! Desk made out of a Home Depot door and thrift store filing cabinets, you don’t spark joy! Hand-me-down furniture from our parents, nope, NO JOY!! When everything was gone, I could finally bring in things that I truly loved and appreciated."
- "Airy, minimal, and elegant, but also natural."
- Emilie wears a Kareem top and Co culottes.
- "My friends Jessie Young and Emiliana González of Estudio Persona did the interior design for my home. They are both working mothers and recent transplants from Uruguay. I was seduced by their South American point of view. They showed me images of contemporary Brazilian architect Marcio Kogan who also uses lots of walnut planks, but the furniture and interiors felt contemporary and light. I love beautiful things, and to be surrounded by beauty in every small detail is so important to me. Jessie and Emi came in and everything was custom. They looked at the house and responded to what each room needed. They started from the architecture and each piece was born from there. That made sense to me, that’s the way I think about an exhibition space. I make site specific installations and it all begins from observing the space. Even a white cube has lighting or windows that the sun shines through. I made an artwork where I put gold leaf wherever the direct sunlight hit the interior of the gallery space at one specific moment in time. My work is minimal. Once I saw their process, it clicked for me. I remember them teasing me because I would barely want to put anything in each room. Rooms which previously had been cluttered with nonsense, now I saw they could be serene like a traditional Japanese tea room, with just a scroll and an Ikebana flower arrangement."
- Emilie's 6-year-old son Harold's room.
- "Before buying or designing anything, visualize how you want to feel in your space."
- "I taught art in elementary schools after I finished graduate school. I use the same methods I learned then to organize Harold’s room and playroom. The rooms themselves are minimal, and the furniture is functional. The toys are stored in bins or baskets that are labeled. Bins are brought out, and dumped on the floor or the bed or the table, and then cleaned up and put away. Everything stays sorted and everything has a place. I know I sound like a clean freak, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I haaaate cleaning, but I love a tidy house. And the trick to being a lazy cleaner with a tidy house is less stuff and a place for everything. I’m really into multi-purpose furniture for kids. Estudio Persona designed a piece of furniture that can be a stool, a chair, and a side table. If you put several together, side by side, you can make a larger table."
- "Becoming a badass. Having to advocate for my son doesn’t even compare to the moments I’ve had to stand up for myself. And seeing the world through his eyes. Things can be simple. When you run really fast laughing at the top of your lungs, it feels so free and joyful. When something is frustrating, you want to scream. When it hurts, you cry. When you love, you say it, when you hate, you do too. Everybody lives and everybody dies. Oh, and everybody poops." Some favorite kids' books, including Over and Under the Pond and Atlas of Adventures: A collection of natural wonders, exciting experiences and fun festivities from the four corners of the globe.
- "If I get in touch with one of my greatest fears, it’s that I’m failing as a mom. It’s one of the harshest things I can think about myself. I won’t ever be a perfect mom, because there’s no such thing. And thinking of myself with such extreme shame and judgment keeps me from actually learning about myself and growing. I want to have the courage and respect to look at myself honestly and gently."
- "Teaching him that it’s ok to have feelings. Humans cry, including boys. The most important thing he can learn is emotional intelligence and empathy."
- "He’s 6 years old, so he’s obsessed with Legos. But his true love is cats."
- "His first name is Harold. We named him after Harold and Maude, a film we both loved. It represented self-discovery and love, and a fearlessness to be yourself and not what other people want you to be. His middle name is Takanori. He’s named after my grandfather Takanori Oguiss. He was a painter who left Tokyo for Paris in the 1920s. There’s something incredibly brave and romantic in that choice. The world was so much bigger back then. He made that great journey for art. His idealism and his commitment to art have always inspired me."
- "I love traveling together. It’s new for us. Now that he’s old enough, we can explore and discover the world together. We’re both adventurous and thrill seekers, and we both love hotels. Room service, swimming, jet skiing, horseback riding, those are a few of our favorite things."
- "Yes."
- "I’m someone that if my body can’t keep up or doesn’t have my usual amount of energy, I have a hard time feeling like myself. My pregnancy is all a blur now, but I remember laying on my couch watching a ton of TV and wanting to throw up. It’s funny, because now my body has been through so much more, but that was really the first time that I had to come to terms with slowing down, and taking care of myself in a different way.
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"I’m really interested in the state of modern marriage. I see a lot of couples around me with young children struggling to be happily married. In her book Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel talks about how we’ve come to expect the impossible from our partners: 'Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?'"
Emilie wears an Everlane top, Mother shorts, and Mansur Gavriel slides.
- "All the beautiful hardworking moms around me."
- "I’m half French, and half Japanese. I was born in Paris, and raised in California. My parents wanted to give me and my sister what they felt they didn’t have from their parents. I think that’s what we all want. And hopefully with each generation we improve on the last."
- "I grew up traveling, and my family is from all different parts of the world. Art, food, pleasure, and enjoying life were what I was brought up to value. I want to encourage Harold to be curious and to discover what brings him joy."
- "Get ready to hold on tight, because it’s going to be a wild ride. You have no idea what you’re doing, but that’s ok, because no other new mom does either. So, find them and you can cry about it together."
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"At his memorial, Nedelle Torrisi, Ramona Gonzales (Night Jewel), Julia Holter, and Cole M. Grief-Neill performed a cover of "Condemnation" by Depeche Mode. They have since recorded the song and pressed it as a vinyl record. All proceeds go to the Didi Hirsch Foundation, which provides mental health services. It’s a beautiful way to honor his memory. It was one of his favorite songs. Music was such a huge part of his life. I listen to the song when I miss him. Music has this beautiful way of unapologetically accessing your pain.
If for honesty, you want apologies
I don't sympathize
If for kindness, you substitute blindness
Please open your eyesHonesty has since been my anthem. Honesty about my feelings, as complicated as they may be. Honesty with Harold that his father had an illness inside his brain and it made him so sad he didn’t want to live anymore. To describe it in the simplest terms to my son has helped me too. It’s easy to get lost in blame. Whether it’s self-blame or blaming Travis as if he had made a lucid choice. He didn’t want to end his life, he wanted to end his pain."
- “'We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.' After Travis’ death, I was gifted the same book twice, Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart. After I read it, I understood why."
- "I found a lump in my breast, and by the time I saw the oncologist I had 2 lumps. It grew so quickly. I remember my friend asking me before my diagnosis if I thought it was cancer. And I said yes. But part of me was hoping I was wrong. Once I had the diagnosis I went into warrior mode. I found out who the best surgeons were and made appointments with each of them. I was going to do whatever it took to beat it. I was going to live. I had to live, my son needed a parent. I would’ve chopped off my arm if it meant I could live long enough to raise him."
- "I told him everything as it was happening."
- "I had surgery (bilateral mastectomy), chemotherapy, radiation, and now hormone therapy for the next 5 years. I wish I could say I’m cancer-free, but the best that it gets as a cancer survivor is that I have no detectable cancer."
- "Friends and therapy and staying present. I had to find within me strength I never thought I had. Under great pressure, diamonds are formed."
- Emilie's impressive stone collection.
- "The first mineral I collected was a piece of Fulgurite. It’s what happens when lightning hits sand. I’ve only ever collected minerals that inspire me, to the point I can’t believe they even exist. I made a large scale installation at Pepin Moore gallery in Los Angeles with fluorescent rocks. They’re rocks that under normal lighting conditions look like ordinary rocks, but under black light they fluoresce a vibrant rainbow of colors. I installed a small scale version of that piece on this counter in my home."
- "Timeless pieces that are comfortable. Clothes are touching your skin all day. I want that touch to be soft and sensuous. Just like smell is a sense memory, the feel of a fabric on your skin can transport you. I lost my breasts to surgery and my hair to chemotherapy. Suddenly clothes had a value that went beyond being utilitarian. Looking in the mirror, I didn’t want to see a sick person, a dying person, I wanted to see a beautiful woman, a survivor, a sex goddess. I wore wigs, long flowy ethereal hair with bangs, or a darker sexy bob. I exchanged my tomboy clothes for Ulla Johnson and Doen dresses, Equipment silk shirts, camisoles, Manolo Blahnik heels and flats, and lingerie."
- "Anything cashmere. After my husband’s suicide, I asked my friend to help me find an outfit to wear to the memorial, and she took me to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills to buy a nude colored Max Mara cashmere coat. I didn’t want to wear black. It was too much darkness. I wanted to celebrate his life, not commemorate his death. So, I wore white and the Max Mara coat. After that I started wearing mostly white. It’s incredible how something as simple as a color draped over your body can change the way you feel."
- "I moisturize with Goē Oil. I use it on my face and in my hair. For make-up, I use RMS Beauty. They have a compact called Pop Collection that has their best sellers, it’s so convenient. On my eyes, I use their Vintage Cake Liner. It’s black powder eyeliner, that can also be used as eye shadow. I apply it with a small angled brush to make a subtle cat eye. I like to use the same product for my lips and cheek: Olio E Osso balm, or Yves St Laurent Baby Doll Kiss and Blush.
- "I try to immerse myself in nature as much as possible. I swim in the ocean, I hike. In Japan, there’s something called Shirin-yoku, it means forest bathing. There’s a patch of woods that are hiking distance from my house. I try to get up there as much as possible. It’s a tiny oasis of redwood trees in the middle of Los Angeles."
- "Now that Harold is school age, I have more time to focus on myself. One of my favorite things to do is to throw on the wheel in my pottery studio."
- Emilie wears an Ulla Johnson dress.
- "I’m an artist. I make conceptual art: site specific installations, sculptures, photographs, and sound pieces. To counter balance that elusive practice, I also make pottery. I have a home studio in my garage. I also teach wheel-throwing pottery classes there. Ever since I finished being a student, I’ve taught. It brings structure and inspiration. I’m someone who loves to connect with others. A studio practice can be isolating. Teaching is a way for me to connect with others over the love of art. I taught art Pre-K through 6th grade. After my son was born, I switched to teaching at USC. And now I teach from home."
- "Traveling and going into nature are my greatest source of inspiration. When you travel, you see everything with new eyes."
- And...there's a pool!
- Emilie wears a La Troupe dress.
- "I spent my early childhood in Paris. When I was 5 years old, my father got a position at Stanford University, and we moved to Portola Valley. It’s a small rural town surrounded by golden hills dotted with eucalyptus trees and horses. I went to UCLA for undergrad. I was an art major. It was an exciting time to be there. Mary Kelly, a feminist conceptual artist, had just left the Whitney Independent Study Program, and she was the new head of the art program. I studied with John Baldessari, Chris Burden, Paul McCarthy, Takashi Murakami. The professors were all working artists, with thriving careers. I studied abroad in Italy at the Accademia di Belle Arti in Bologna, one of the oldest universities in the world. I loved Italy. I lived in Siena and in Venice, where I worked at the Peggy Guggenheim Museum for a summer during the Venice Biennale. Then I went to graduate school at Art Center College of Design in Pasadena. I went there to study with conceptual artists I admired—Mike Kelley, Stephen Prina, and Christopher Williams. I’ve stayed in Los Angeles ever since."
- "Once my son was born, I spent a lot of time making pottery. Unlike my conceptual art practice, I could just show up for a few hours and use my hands and not my brain. My pottery practice has kept expanding ever since."
- "The hardest moments have been when I’ve had to travel for work. I try to make it so my son is having a special experience, too. When I had my latest exhibition in Houston, he went to Legoland with my nephew. Or when I was in Japan, for an exhibition at the Yokohama Museum, I made small gifts for him to open each day with a picture of us. I want him to know I’m thinking of him and that I miss him too."
- "Last New Year’s my friend had a party where we all decided on a word or two instead of a resolution. Mine was RELEASE and RECEIVE. Grieving is releasing, letting out sorrow, and pain, talking about it. Receiving is more about being open to where life will take me, and also about receiving love. It’s so easy for me to give, it’s much harder to take."
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