Adoption
Paths To Motherhood: International Adoption
Written by James Kicinski-McCoy
Photography by Photographed by Heather Moore
May 2, 2017
Knowing that not all families are started the super traditional way (i.e. girl gets pregnant with ease, pops out baby), we bring you our column Paths To Motherhood, highlighting women who have taken a less-than-typical route to becoming a mother. Today we bring you the touching story of Brooklyn-based brand consultant and owner of Wonderhouse Consulting, Nikky Cronk, who, after multiple miscarriages, successfully brought her first daughter Sefiagger home through international adoption, and 18-months later, became pregnant and gave birth to her second baby girl, Juniper. Grab your morning cup and read this beautiful tale of motherhood!
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- “I would love to tell you that I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but that would be a lie. It wasn’t because I didn’t like children, it was more because I was scared about whether I would be a good mother. It wasn’t until I met my husband that that all changed, and it got to a point where being a mother became the only thing I wanted.”
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- “It started out so well. The classic story—you meet the man of your dreams, you get married, and you get pregnant straight away. Unfortunately, when we went for our 12-week ultrasound, we found out that the baby’s heart had stopped beating at 11 weeks. From that moment on, our journey to conceive naturally was emotionally painful, physically difficult, and mentally torturous because it’s the one thing you just can’t control.”
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- “After we lost the baby at 12 weeks, I wanted to escape and start somewhere fresh. My husband and I left Sydney and went to live on an island outside Seattle for six months. I thought that I would get pregnant really quickly because it had happened so fast for us the first time. But, after six months, I still wasn’t pregnant and I started to feel desperate. We moved to New York and it was probably after six months of living here that we decided to see a fertility specialist.”
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- “It all started off in such a positive way. For the first time in over a year, I was filled with so much hope. The needles, the hormones, the endless doctors visits are actually enjoyable because it’s all leading to that one thing you really really want—a baby. Unfortunately, it didn’t work for us the first time. But, we were okay because we were going to give it another go. And, it was that second time that we tried that I fell pregnant. I can’t even describe how happy we were in that moment when they said that we had a positive pregnancy test. Everything was going fine until that dreaded 12-week mark. As they gave me the ultrasound, I was looking for that heartbeat and there it was so strong. But, the doctor hesitated and told me that there was something wrong. It took them two weeks to definitively diagnose that our baby girl had Turners Syndrome. It took another two weeks for them to tell us that she wasn’t going to survive another week. We tried two more times, but by that point, I was so drained, so depressed that I just couldn’t do it again.”
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- Sweet sister notes.
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- “When we found out that the baby had Turners Syndrome, I was seeing a therapist. She reminded me that there are lots of ways you can become a mother. I was telling a dear friend what the therapist had said, and she told me that being a mother is not seeing yourself reflected in someone else; it’s about watching your child smile for the first time, helping them take their first steps, reading to them at the end of the day. It was like a light came on, and all of a sudden, I knew that adoption was how we were going to become parents. And, the honest truth is, I would go through everything we went through with IVF to have what we have now. I couldn’t have dreamed of a better outcome.”
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- “In our initial research about international adoption, we had read articles about agencies that were manipulating birth parents to giving up their children for money. I can’t think of anything more heartbreaking or horrible. We knew that working with a nonprofit meant that money is not the motivator. The motivator is to genuinely help children whose birth parents, for one reason or another, are unable to care and look after them.”
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- Meow!
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- “Compared to our IVF experience, the adoption process was so easy. There is paperwork to do, social workers to meet, different online courses that you take, but you are not full of raging hormones and you know in this instance that there is only going to be a positive outcome. All together the process was probably 18 months from when we decided to adopt to when we met Sefiagger in Ethiopia.”
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- “I don’t know if we had fears necessarily. I think we had all of those normal questions that any new parent has: What are they going to be like? Are they going to be healthy? Am I going to be able to do this? Are we going to bond?”
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- “I had just been out to lunch with my husband and had just walked back into the office when my cell rang. The woman on the other end of the line told me that there was a baby in Bahir Dar who needed to be adopted. I can’t remember a whole lot after that because I was crying, but I did hear her say that my husband and I should call her back later that night. In that moment, I felt so light—so much joy. This had been a five-year journey to become a mother, and now this little baby in Ethiopia was going to make all our dreams come true. We called back later that night and they shared information about Sefiagger—her weight, height, health, and how old she was. Then, they told us to go and check our email because they had just sent a photo of her. To see her for the first time was no different to how I felt the first time I saw our birth daughter, Juniper. I instantly loved her, and she was immediately our daughter.”
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- “When we first got back, it was really important that we spent time bonding with Sefiagger. We also were really conscious of not overwhelming her with visitors and new family members. I think for the first two weeks, we just hunkered down and spent time together, getting to know each other and developing a routine. We then started inviting family over, but always made sure it was just a few people at a time.”
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- “Sefiagger was a name that was given to her in Addis Ababa. In Amharic, it means that 'as a country we are proud of you’. At one point, we contemplated giving her a more western-sounding first name and keeping Sefiagger as her second name, but when we went to Ethiopia and saw how she lit up when other children in the orphanage said it, and also realized that her name was her connection to her country and culture, we knew that the only option was to keep Sefiagger. Plus, it’s such a pretty and unique name.”
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- “My three pieces of advice would be: Do as much research as you can before you start the process, so you can make informed decisions and eliminate any potential issues throughout the process; get to know the people and culture of the country you are adopting from, and figure out ways that you can integrate that into your family life on a regular basis; and meet other people who have adopted internationally, so you can share experiences and support each other if needed.”
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- “We often talk about how special it is that we all came from different parts of the world (I am Australian, my husband is American, and Sefiagger is obviously Ethiopian) and that we found each other to become this amazing family. I mean that is truly incredible. I think a con of international adoption is that you are often dealing with countries whose infrastructure may not be as sophisticated as it is here. That can mean that there is occasional breakdown of communication, or that things might not happen as quickly as you had hoped. It just reenforces why it’s good to work with a great agency.”
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- “It was just under 18 months after we brought Sefiagger home that I discovered I was pregnant.”
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- “We had been told for years that we couldn’t get pregnant—that it was impossible, so trying to conceive was the furthest thing from our mind. You can imagine how surprised we were then when I was late getting my period, and I got a positive pregnancy test.”
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- “There’s two-and-a-half years difference between Sefiagger and Juniper. What’s nice about that is that they both enjoy doing the same sort of thing, but at the same time, Sefiagger will teach Juniper new things and Juniper keeps Sefiagger’s imagination alive.”
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- Details, details.
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- “We are very open about it. Sometimes those conversations get quite deep and emotional as she starts to really understand what adoption actually means. And, sometimes they can be really light, like the time she was asking us about her birth parents. We don’t have much information about who they are, but we always tell her that they must have loved her very much because she was one of the healthiest babies in the orphanage. Her response to that was, ‘Well I can tell you something else about them, mommy, they must have been very good looking.’ I think she was five when she said that, and it sums her outlook on life up perfectly.”
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- Sister love.
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- “It’s confirmed what my friend had told me at the very beginning of the process. Being a mom is not about whether they have the same eyes as you, the same nose, or hair. It’s about the deep and emotional connection that comes through when nurturing them, and in return. receiving their unconditional love.”
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- “We have a house up in Woodstock. After a weekend up there, we were driving back to the city and I had 60s music on my mind. I remembered this song that my dad used to play called ‘Jennifer Juniper’ by Donovan. And, there it was in the title of the song—our new baby girl’s name.”
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- “This could easily be a three-page response, but I will try to hold back and keep it simple. Sefiagger is artistic, musical, and wise beyond her years. She’s also so thoughtful, incredibly caring, and sensitive. She seriously makes me strive to be a better person. Juniper is strong-willed, creative, and absolutely hilarious. She can make me double over with laugher.”
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- “Occasionally, I have a twinge where I think it would be nice to have another child, but reality is we are such a happy unit of four and I just feel so grateful for what I have.”
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- “Adoption was such a positive experience for us. I think if we were younger, we would definitely consider it again.”
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- Snow!
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- “My girls are my light, my miracles. They make me happy when I am down. They inspire me in so many ways. I have learnt through them that I am stronger than I thought I was, more patient, more giving, and more capable. I am a better person because of them. Being a mother is so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined. I feel so lucky.”
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- To keep following along with Nikky, Sefiagger, and Juniper, follow her on Instagram.
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