Adoption
Paths to Motherhood: Open Adoption
Written by Katie Hintz-Zambrano
Photography by Photographed by Sarah Hebenstreit
Mar 14, 2016
Knowing that not all families are started the super traditional way (i.e. girl gets pregnant with ease, pops out baby), we bring you our column Paths To Motherhood, highlighting women who have taken a less-than-typical route to becoming a mother. Today we bring you the touching story of San Francisco stylist and event designer Myka Haddad, who, after a nearly 6 year journey, became a mother to beautiful baby boy Dayton (“Day”) Ray through open adoption. Grab a tissue and pull up a seat!
For more Paths To Motherhood tales, check out our stories on being a Birth Mother, IVF, At-Home Insemination, International Surrogacy, and Foster-to-Adoption.
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- “When my nephew was born 9 years ago, he was the first baby that I fell head-over-heels in love with. I remember looking over at Georges, my husband, and saying, ‘I can't wait to be a mama one day.’ It was an intense feeling of pure love that I had for this little baby. It was incredible. Georges and I have been together for 15 years now. We got married almost six years ago, and immediately after started trying to have a baby.”
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- “I had absolutely no worries that we would get pregnant right away. I was 31, and all of my friends of the same age got pregnant within the first three months of trying. I totally believed I would follow in the same way. I never had irregular periods and I was healthy, but after about 9 months, I got super frustrated. I went to see my OB and she put me on Clomid for 3 months. We immediately had my husband tested, as well, to see if there were any issues. We both were healthy and knew no real reason why it was taking so long. At the one year mark, we went to see a fertility specialist in San Francisco and we were diagnosed with ‘Unexplained Infertility.' It was super frustrating to not have a real diagnosis, just a vague ‘there isn't a real reason why you shouldn't be able to conceive.' It took a while before we were able to start fertility treatments due to the expense (holy moly)! Our insurance didn’t cover anything at all! Then, there was the months of blood tests, which had to be timed around my cycle. We were finally able to start IUI treatments, and I got pregnant on our 2nd IUI. We found out I was pregnant on my husband's 33rd birthday, but I miscarried at 9 weeks. To say we were devastated is an understatement. But, I also couldn't believe that I was finally able to get pregnant. We continued with three more IUI treatments, but I did not get pregnant again. We quickly jumped to IVF. The first round cost us $20,000. Yep. We had one ‘good embryo’ by transfer date. I did not get pregnant. We did another egg retrieval, but by transfer date, we didn't have any useable embryos.”
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- One of one-hundred daily mama kisses.
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- “The day we found out that we didn't have any embryos for transfer, after our second egg retrieval, was the day that my husband and I decided we would start the adoption process. Throughout our fertility treatments we had spoken at length about adoption and it was definitely something we were 100% in favor of.”
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- Mommy-and-me.
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- “I really liked the feeling that we would continue our relationship with Day's birth mom (and also his birth father). The more people that can love on this baby, the better.”
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- “From start to finish, our journey to our baby has been 5 years and 9 months. Our adoption process took a little over two years. There was a home study, the initial social worker visit, fingerprints, lawyer visits, etc. It all takes time. We were told in the beginning that the process would take around one to two years. We were realistic in our expectations in how long the process could be, but damn, it felt like a lifetime.”
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- "I grew up with a family friend (my mom's best friend's son) named Dayton and my husband and I have always loved the name. We really liked the idea that his name was based on a family connection. We also loved the idea of calling him Day. It just seemed to suit his sweet demeanor. We definitely spoke with his birth mother about our possible name choices, and she was onboard with whatever we decided."
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- The sweetest newborn smiles.
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- “We met Day's birth mother through our lawyer. She saw numerous ‘Dear Birth Mom’ letters from prospective adoptive parents. It's basically a profile you create telling a birth mom about what you like to do, what your life is like, etc. When we originally met his birth mom (who asked us to call her ‘Mama B’), she let us know that she wanted to get to know us a bit before she decided to ‘match with us.' We had several visits together before we decided to match. I really love that she wanted to make sure she was making right the decision, not only about the adoption, but about us.”
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- “We meet Mama B two months before Day was born. She lives only two hours from us, so we got to spend a lot of time with her before the birth. I was able to go to all of her doctor's appointments with her and we met up almost every weekend prior to Day's birth. It gave Mama B, my husband, and me a chance to really get to know one another.”
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- Big, precious yawn.
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- “We actually had been previously matched with a birth mom a few months earlier, and that match fell through one week before her due date. We were devastated. It was so difficult for me to process. I felt so very close to becoming a mother at that point, and for it to once again be taken away, was so sad. I realized that with adoption, for us it meant going into it with an open mind and heart, knowing that things can fall apart. I was talking with my friend Natalie after the first match fell through, right before we were going to meet Mama B for the first time. I was nervous. What if it happened again? I didn't know if my heart could handle it. Natalie and I talked about approaching this new match with an open heart. Yes, of course there was a chance that your heart could be broken, but there is also the chance that your greatest love could be waiting there to fill your heart. I decided right then that before meeting Mama B, I would open up my heart wide.”
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- “I had all of the feelings. My husband and I were excited beyond belief. To be honest, though, I had a real moment of sheer panic two weeks before he was born. All of these fears crept in. I kept thinking, ‘I've wanted to be a mother for so long, but what if I'm not good at this?!’ But you know what? All of those fears magically slipped away two days before he was born. I don't quite know what changed, but my mind was just put at ease that last week. All of those feelings of being scared were erased and all I could think about was how excited I was to become a mother.”
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- Eat, sleep, snuggle. Repeat.
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- “The day of his birth was beautiful and crazy and exciting. His birth mom had to be induced. The labor took a while, but once things got started, my husband and I looked at one another in disbelief. We really couldn't believe this was all about to start. After all of the waiting, it was finally time. We were behind a curtain as she began pushing, per the doctor's order. When she was getting close to the final pushes, the doctor called us out and I immediately went right next to her head. She held up her hand and grabbed mine as she did her last few pushes. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. Watching baby Day come into this world, and holding the hand of his amazing, strong, wonderful, birth mom is something I will never forget. It was so emotional.”
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- “Yes, we discussed the ‘birth plan’ in the weeks prior to delivery. His birth mom wanted to hand him to me after she delivered, which she did. It was such a sweet, powerful moment. We also discussed the fact that she would have some alone time with him before we left the hospital. It was her time to say goodbye. We all walked out of the hospital together (she had family members with her), and we said our see-you-soons. It was incredibly emotional. I cried the entire car ride home. It's hard to process your own joy while trying to comprehend her grief. It was a lot.”
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- "Our sip-and-see celebration was incredible. Our sweet friends Natalie, Danielle, and Sunna hosted a day that was all about us. Every single little detail was perfect. I tend to wear a lot of white in my wardrobe, so all of the guests wore white outfits. It was so sweet. All of the decor (including the food that was served) was also white. I mean, I'm telling you, every single little aspect was amazing. We also had a beautiful shower with our close family that my mom and aunts hosted. I'm extremely close with my family and my husband's, so it was quite an emotional day. They have all been with us on this long journey, so to finally be able to celebrate baby Day was a dream come true for all of us."
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- That face!
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- “Yes, we have been in touch. We text one another and we have already exchanged letters and photos. We will see one another at least three times a year. I feel really fortunate that we all live so close to one another and that our relationship will continue to grow as time goes on.”
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- “Every adoption is quite different. I would say, try to go into it with a completely open mind. It will be hard at first. For us, the more time we spent with the birth parents, the more comfortable we became and the stronger our relationship developed. The first birth mother we matched with did not want an open adoption. In hindsight, I am so glad that when we did successfully match, it was with Mama B who has truly been amazing—for both us and Day.”
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- “We have an extremely close relationship with Day's birth mom and we feel very fortunate for that. The pros are most definitely that Day will grow up knowing his birth mom, and knowing that she will always be a part of his life. The hardest part of open adoption is watching a person go through the emotions of giving their baby up to you and knowing that you'll continue to watch them say goodbye each time you talk or meet.”
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- Some Misha and Puff adorableness.
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- “We have discussed this. We are going to wait until Day is six months old and then decide if we'd like to adopt again. For the time being, we are enjoying how amazing it has been to become parents. I can't think that far ahead. It took us almost six years to get here, so I'm just soaking up every second of him.”
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- “It is truly amazing! Seeing his little face in the morning looking up at mine, I just can't tell you how long I've waited for that moment. It is everything (and more) that I dreamed of. My husband and I also keep saying every second that we can't believe what a mellow, easy baby he is. I feel like baby Day knows how long it took us to get here and is just as happy as we are that we finally all found one another.”
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- To keep following along on Myka and Baby Day's journey, check out her Instagram feed.
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