Motherhood
How Did You Know You Were “Ready” To Be A Mom?
Written by Katie Hintz-Zambrano
Photography by Photo Courtesy Of Patrice Douglas
Apr 17, 2015
“How did you know you were ready to have a baby?” This was the question a friend recently posed to us, and one that we’ve heard several times before and even pondered ourselves before jumping on the crazy/amazing ride that is pregnancy and motherhood. Of course, the answer is as varied as mothers themselves, and not exactly clear-cut. Sometimes women (and men) aren’t sure they’re “ready” until they find themselves with a baby in their arms, and at that point, the question itself is a bit moot. Still, the big question remains, especially for those thinking about trying to get pregnant, and so we asked over 20 of our mama friends coast-to-coast to answer the question from their own point of view. Have your own story to add to the conversation? We would love to hear how you knew you were ready in the comments below.
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- "I realized I was ready at exactly the same time that I realized I would never truly be ready. I'm not much of a planner. I wasn't married (though we've now been together for close to ten years), I didn't own a house (and am still waiting for escrow to close on that one), but I decided that I wasn't going to wait around for the magical perfect time. I embraced the chaos and I went for it before I got too worried about how crazy it might be. And lo and behold, everything turned out just fine. We survived to tell the tale!"
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- "I knew I was 'ready' after tipsy unprotected sex, and realizing we were fine with either outcome and not in a panic."
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- "I didn’t grow up wanting to have children. I saw my mom raise my brother and me with little support and knew how much it took to be a good mother. She gave us everything she had, even if that left nothing for her, and I honestly didn’t know if I was capable of that. After my husband and I were married a few years—we got married young, while still in college, and have now been married 8 years—people started asking us when we were having children. And we would always reply that we didn’t know if we were going to. We were happy in our lives—traveling, pursuing our careers, and enjoying each other—and becoming parents wasn’t something we felt we needed to do. But after one glorious spring BBQ and a little too much rosé, our daughter was unexpectedly conceived. Once the shock wore off, I was surprised by how right it felt. I took stock of my life—surrounded by so many wonderful, supportive friends and buoyed by the unconditional love of my family— and I realized we could really do this. With their support, my husband and I could offer our daughter the joyful, balanced life she deserves."
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- "My husband Leo and I spent the most formative years of our lives together. We met in college at the age of 19 and have been inseparable since. Having traveled, made a failed attempt at moving to Brooklyn, reached our education and career goals, carried out our relationship long distance for a few years, and being married 9 years, there was no better time to have a baby. It just felt right because we both reached a point of being content with ourselves as individuals and secure in our relationship together. Though the methodical nature of trying to conceive opened our relationship up to unforeseen struggles—not conceiving as quickly as planned, scheduling intimacy, my newfound neurotic obsession with ovulation and pregnancy signs—we'd built a strong enough foundation to brave these challenges. Our complicated labor really proved to us both that we were right in knowing we were ready to journey into parenthood together. Over 36 hours of labor, we had to make tough, potentially life-altering decisions without much time to confer. After Lathan was born, we realized that our birth experience was the most difficult collaboration we'd ever encountered, but we were tremendously happy that we experienced the hardships and beauty of bringing a baby into the world together."
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- "Danny and I had been together more than 7 years and we had some pretty amazing adventures—biking through Europe, running marathons, and plenty of years doing the nightlife thing. We got to a point where the best nights were us cooking a great dinner and snuggling up on the couch. I could just picture a child fitting into that picture perfectly. I was no longer worried about what we'd miss out on by having a kid—we weren't itching to try the newest restaurant or stay up to all hours dancing. This seemed like the challenge we were ready for. Fast forward two years later: We'd been through months of disappointments and one terrible miscarriage. It completely rocked us, and we had to really change our thinking in order to get through it. All that planning and thinking about what our future should look like was making it worse (because it wasn't working out that way), so I practiced living in the moment and letting whatever was next come to me. By the time our daughter was born (5 weeks early, breach, and via c-section instead of our planned home birth) I was pretty chill about it all and very ready, because I had learned that kids don't give a damn about our well-laid plans. This new philosophy has served me well in motherhood, where everyday is an improv—wonderful, hilarious, and full of poop references."
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- “We kept putting it off. Every year, we said we'd try to have a kid the following year. Then I misjudged my cycle and I thought it was 'safe' for us to have unprotected sex. It was the best mistake of my life. I was pregnant, and I immediately was so thankful that it happened. I realized we probably never would have gotten to the 'right' time if left to our own devices."
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- "To be fair, my husband knew I was ready to be a mom before I did. I never thought I was ready. I was scared of motherhood until the moment Anais came into our lives. While new fears did creep up once she was born, she made it possible for me to believe that everything would work itself out."
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- "I think the realization that we didn't have to check off everything on a list before we had a baby had a lot to do with it. We first thought having a baby meant our lives would be over, but we reframed our thinking—we could still travel, hang out with friends, cook, so long as those things continued to be important to us. And we've done it! Now when my friends say they have some pre-baby bucket list, I try to tell them that they'll accomplish whatever is important to them, baby or no baby."
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- "I believe I was ready once I said 'yes' to Mike on our wedding day. I think my decisiveness was based on what I traditionally knew regarding what happens after marriage. I honestly think that was my green light to go. But being with Mike for 14 years now, I always knew I wanted to have kids in my twenties and have two children, definitely back to back. That stemmed from me knowing my mom had my older sister Jenny when she was in her thirties. Prior to Jenny, she has a miscarriage. After Jenny, I came, and to this day we have an unbreakable bond, which I believe is due to how close we are in age—14.5 months apart. So, it wasn't a surprise I conceived my first born while on our honeymoon in Hawaii. Then, when we did find out I was pregnant it was a sweet surprise to know it happened while we were staying on The Big Island in a town named Kona, which is now the sweet name of our 4-year-old daughter. When we had our second baby girl 13 1/2 months later we decided to keep the Hawaii theme and name her Kilani."
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- "My husband and I had gone on a date to one of our favorite sushi restaurants. That is when I told him I wanted one more child. What lead to this conclusion was more than just this date and my words. We were already proud parents of two children, but I had this feeling I wasn't quite done. I felt there was a hesitance in my husband to agree with me on this. He knew how hard it was for me to transition into motherhood with our first, and was afraid one more child would be too difficult for me. After a couple of tears at the table, he agreed that we could try for our third if it was what I really wanted. Both of our parents were dealing with health issues earlier that year and after being head first in our careers, I felt it was time to settle into my motherhood role once more. The oldest was nearing his fourth birthday, so I didn't want to waste any more time. Right away we were pregnant with our third! I was so excited. Eight weeks into the pregnancy we had our first doctors visit and saw an 8-week-old baby without a heartbeat. I broke into tears and felt defeated. After all of our discussions and finally making that leap into having another child, I sat childless. I didn’t know why this would happen to me and felt maybe it wasn’t the right choice after all. I struggled again to figure out if another child was what I really wanted. I felt empty after the miscarriage. In reality a child that I had hoped for had been sucked from my womb. It was a harder road than I had anticipated and finally realized that adding another child was something I truly did want. This past November we welcomed Winnie into our family. We couldn't be more excited about having her here."
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- "I will be the first to admit that making the decision to have a baby is a totally irrational one. For me, I felt ready to have a baby when I found a partner who strengthened and enriched my life—someone who made me feel I could do anything and who pushed me to be my very best. It was the strength of our partnership that made me feel confident about bringing new life into the world. And it has been pure joy to share the journey of parenthood together, with all of its glorious ups and downs."
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- "I knew I was ready when we decided we just wanted to have one baby. I could finally envision myself with a child. The challenges and inevitable changes that came with motherhood suddenly seemed more manageable and exciting. I had always known I'd want to have children one day, but I didn't feel ready until I realized I really just wanted one."
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- "There was never a moment when I felt completely ready. I'm not sure if that's possible, at least not for me. But I've always wanted kids, and even though we didn't know how it would work out in a million ways, we realized that no time would ever be the 'perfect' time and decided to start trying. We have two daughters now and I'm hoping for more!"
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- "I married my husband when I was 18 (almost 19) years old and four months later, I was pregnant with my daughter. Ready would be the last word I would use. However, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I began the process of preparing my heart to be ready for what was going to happen. That was something I could do, something that I could be in control of. I decided to figure out what kind of mother I wanted to be and committed myself to becoming her, learning from and observing other mothers around me. Even though I was definitely not ready in the traditional sense of the word, I knew when they laid her in my arms that my heart was ready to accept the unknown and the wonder of motherhood. Not necessarily ready to have a kid and all that it entails (because who really is anyway?), but without a doubt, 100% ready to be a mother."
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- "Some days I still don't feel ready, but I knew I wanted to be a mom and every reason to wait really just sounded like an excuse because it's a scary change, and being scared isn't a good enough reason to not have a kid!"
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- "The moment my heart opened to the idea of having a child, was while at a friend's birthday party. Her sleepy little girl grabbed my hand and said 'up.' I held her and rocked her to sleep in my arms. I instantly felt a certain warmth I had not felt before. That night I laid in bed with a heart full of emotions that were both confusing and exciting. Just like that, my maternal floodgates were open, I had baby thoughts from that moment on.”
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- "My husband and I went out for New Years to Nojo in Hayes Valley when it was new. We had been living in S.F. for several years and had gotten to a career point where going out was no big thing, weekends away were no big thing. We did it all the time. So, at midnight, it didn't feel special, it felt like just another restaurant. I suddenly had this realization that it was time for the next phase and that that next phase was a kid. We'd been talking about it for some time, but that's the moment I knew that I really wanted to have a baby. The nice thing is that now that we can't go out at any point, I've started to really enjoy it all again when we do. And it's fun to discover new places with my daughter that we'd never gone to as a childless couple."
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- "I had a turning point of feeling ready after a conversation I had with a friend where she basically said, 'You'll never feel 100% ready, you just have to take the plunge.' Which was a good reminder for me because I tended to always feel like I needed to be just a little bit more prepared, make a little more money, yada yada, the list goes on. If you wait to feel completely ready it probably won't happen. At least that's how it is for me."
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- "I never once felt a sense of being ‘ready' to be a mother and when I became one 7 months ago, I was, in many ways, anything but. This was a challenge for someone like me. I am an analyzer, a perfecter, a shameless over-thinker and a much-to-often self-criticizer. Rhodes Wilder is here now and I have been transformed. It's hard to say when it happened. Transformation doesn’t always follow the normal order of things. Sometimes it’s like a tiny seed that is filled with so much power that it germinates, sprouts, roots, buds, flowers, fruits, and falls all in an instant. It nourishes you and comforts you in the lonely hours when you can’t find your bearings and you miss your old shore. It gives you courage as you reflect on where you’ve come from and just how far you’ve travelled. It brings its own expansion and reminds you that you are capable of more than you can imagine. But most importantly, it teaches you that everything is gonna be just fine as long as you enjoy the moment you are in."
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- "My mother always told me, 'Do everything you want to do before you have kids because it only gets harder after children are born.' I think she would tell me this on trying days, as a single mom, when she just wanted to call it a night. Little did she know, that would really stick with me. After college, I moved to all the cities I wanted to live in, finding work where I lived, not living where there was work. I traveled to over 17 countries, alone. I bought a house, which still didn't keep me in one place. I had a little travel left in me, so I moved to Los Angeles and lived between there and Mississippi. When I was 33, I found that I was done moving, ready to stay in one place, and open the shop I'd dreamed of opening. I said goodbye to L.A. and moved back to Mississippi full time. I married shortly after that and because of my age, we decided to move forward with beginning to try to conceive. Due to fertility issues, it took two years before I was pregnant. Once I was really ready to have a child, I had no regrets. I had done all that I wanted to do, I had established my business and felt comfortable and ready to welcome Tom Otis."
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- "We had a tough situation of finding out that my father-in-law had cancer, which put us on a faster timeline of trying to have kids. Sadly, my husband's father never met his grandchildren, but we gave our first the initials H.C.M. after his granddad."
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