Stay At Home Moms

Motherhood

8 “Stay At Home Moms” Sound Off On The Term & Their Role

Photography by Photo courtesy of Marley Leiper

Jun 18, 2018

The role of “stay at home moms” in 2018 is drastically different than it was decades ago. And many would say the archaic term doesn’t quite describe what it’s like to be a full-time mother today. In fact, while some mothers are choosing to “stay home”, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have completely opted out of all endeavors outside of motherhood or that they are stuck “at home” in an apron, cooking and cleaning all day long. To get a different perspective on the modern SAHM, we’ve gathered eight women who have traded in working full-time away from home in order to focus on motherhood for either a short or extended period of time. They share with us what their role looks like, why they decided to “stay home,” the creative and professional pursuits that have surfaced thanks to motherhood, and some of the biggest misconceptions around being a SAHM in 2018.

For more on this topic, check out this piece on Why Being A SAHM and Feminist Aren’t Mutually Exclusive, and three inspiring Mother profiles on “stay-at-home moms” Cheri Messerli, Ari Serrano-Embree, and Sara Brawner.

"First of all, I loathe the SAHM term! I don't just 'stay at home'. Who does that, even if you don't have a kiddo? I'd love to find a more appropriate and modern term to replace SAHM. I've struggled to find one, and maybe that's because the role is just that, complex and under-appreciated by society. The way we dichotomize moms as 'working' moms or 'SAHMs' really does a disservice to us all. I would describe SAHMs as modern women who are not getting paid for what they do: to care for their children and their families' wellbeing. It truly is the hardest job that I've ever held! The longest hours (a.k.a. it doesn't end), zero to no control, and no pay! In our family, in my best moments, I like to think of my role as being Elastigirl from The Incredibles. Resourceful, flexible (physically and emotionally), quick-witted, strong, passionate, driven, and supportive. She is the glue that keeps everyone together and protected. She applies her independent feminist attitude to her home life and has to perform to demanding expectations (from a baby)! I think there has been so much evolution for the good, even in the last 20 years, yet there is still a lot left to do. Moms, in general, have so much more at our disposal today (e.g. breast pumps, on-demand everything, etc), but specifically, I find SAHMs no longer fit the traditional role where all we do is focus on family 100%. I think a lot of this has to do with the women's movement and women today coming into motherhood with an incredibly rich, full, and diverse life prior to having children. Just because you've become a mom doesn't mean all other aspects of your identity fall by the wayside or disappear! I think a lot of that dated thinking is baked into the original idea behind the SAHM term."
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"It definitely wasn't my plan to stay home with Oliver. First, I should say that it does not escape me that it's a privilege to have had a choice. For many families today, I know that there's no option, and so I am incredibly grateful that I have had a choice and that my husband did not pressure me either way. I struggled for 2+ years through fertility treatments and a miscarriage before becoming pregnant with Oliver. Then at 20 weeks in utero, Oliver was diagnosed with a life-threatening congenital condition, which catapulted us to a whole other level. For the rest of my pregnancy, I was terrified for Oliver's health and life and grappled with a lot of big life questions. Oliver's safe arrival at full-term was truly a miracle and I knew that it was my calling to be with him through his first few years of life as he outpaced his condition. However, it always was my plan to go back to work shortly after having a child. My mom was a working mom who modeled a life full of work, personal, and home life and conversely, my SAHM model was my next door neighbor who led the PTA, created weekly calendars of meals, and always had a perfectly prepared snack ready after school. I grew up with two extreme models imprinted in my mind and as a result, I have had a lot of personal challenges with my own decision. Thankfully I have friends who model in real time the fluidity and dance of motherhood and career, which has helped me tremendously. There are so many ways to do motherhood and one size does not fit all! On my darkest of days, I remind myself that research shows that kids don't really care what mom does (work outside the home or not). All they care about is whether mom is happy!"
Follow along with Leslie on Instagram here.

"Staying home with my children wasn’t something I ever planned on doing. The idea of being a SAHM to me was a nightmare. When I was growing up, I watched my aunt doing housework 24/7. She was constantly cooking, doing laundry, ironing, tidying the house, taking care of the groceries, and the list goes on. I didn't want that life. But I’ve learned that it’s ok if you’re unable to do all the old school 'homemaker' tasks. It doesn’t make you less of a mom. Times have changed. Today, women are starting their own businesses while staying home with their children. While I was pregnant with my third child, my oldest daughter was concurrently starting middle school. I immediately had a change of heart about being a SAHM. Prior to this, I wanted nothing to do with what I thought a SAHM was. But, I knew I didn’t want my newborn in a daycare facility and I also knew to raise a preteen required a lot of hands-on involvement. I wanted to be available for everything she had going on."
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"Leaving full-time work in the corporate world and becoming a SAHM has allowed me the flexibility to focus more on my own business. I own a private natural hair braiding salon that specifically focuses on a healthier braiding technique to promote hair growth all while wearing your protective style. My goal is to share my 'momtrepreneur' lifestyle experience with as many mamas as I can in hopes to inspire them to go for the dream they’ve always wanted. I believe being a SAHM shouldn’t stop you from achieving your dream."
Follow along with Ruth on Instagram here.

"Before my daughter was born, the decision about whether or not to be a SAHM was agonizing. I was constantly weighing the pros and cons of continuing to work for my company or leaving the job to be at home. My job paid well, and I thought that the extra income might afford our family more opportunities. But as soon I held Willow in my arms, the decision was easy. We had the luxury of being able to make it work on one income, and I knew for myself that the right decision for our family was for me to stay home with her. I felt that when I left my job that I was leaving behind any and every professional opportunity until I was 'finished' being a SAHM and that it was a very cut and dry decision. But shortly after Willow was born, I got a call from a woman I had worked with as a client. She knew that I was home, and had a small project I could help with if I could spare a couple of hours during nap times or at night. Saying yes to this opened the door for me to build a brand new and unexpected career as a consultant in the education space. In six years I have built a small consulting business that I can manage in addition to being a SAHM, which continues to be my first priority. Most of the women that I work with are like me—past professionals who have transitioned into work-at-home consultants. They totally understand the challenges of time management as moms, who support each other, and who are amazingly talented and hardworking, yet flexible, individuals. As my girls grow older, I hope that this is a business I can continue to build."
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"I consider myself the 'chief experience officer' of our family, managing the family calendar, planning enriching experiences, doing the shopping, and handling transportation now that our girls are getting older. I feel that there are so many different ways to be a SAHM today, so different than the preconceived notion I had before I made the decision to be one."
For more on Allie, click here.

"I never in my life thought I’d be a stay at home mom. It was not my dream to watch my kid full-time. I wanted to be that super mom who 'has it all.' But the U.S. has terrible maternity leave policies and I discovered that 12 weeks was too early for me to leave my baby and go back to work. She was still so tiny and I was nursing her all day. I just couldn’t bear to leave her at daycare at that age and spend more time apart than together. I valued my career, but not as much as I value this rare and special phase my daughter and I are in—her as a new human and me as a new mom. I told myself, if I went back to work now, I could never get this time back with my daughter. Now more than ever, stay at home moms have the opportunity to stay active and relevant in their communities, previous work, and causes they care about. Technology has given us the gift of connectedness—hallelujah!—allowing us access to unique social settings that our mothers and grandmothers did not have. We have social media to keep up with people in our lives, FaceTime to see a friend or a family member without physically being there, online courses to develop new or existing skills, and yes, even online gigs! There are many opportunities to make money whilst being home with your children."
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"A misconception I have encountered is the underlying notion that stay at home moms are lacking in professional ambition. There is this idea in our society that when a mom decides to quit her job to stay home with the baby, that she has given up on her work and career. One’s ambition and drive is not defined by whether or not a new mom goes back to work right away. When a mom decides to quit her job, it is simply because, as a mother, she does what she thinks is best for her family. It has nothing to do with her professional ability and ambition. In addition, the media usually drops the story of the stay at home mother before it even begins. It is unglamorous and unexciting. 'She decided to stay home full-time and she and the baby lived happily ever after.' What they fail to highlight is that for some, being home with the baby means eventually giving birth to a successful businesses. Many are able to discover their true passion and innate skills, inspiring them to take a different path from what they used to do professionally. Some are even encouraged to go back to school. These success stories are not being written, and if they are, the stay at home mom persona of these women gets lost in the mix. Their achievements are deemed to be an exception to SAHMs, not a rule."
Follow along with Edil on Instagram here.

"I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom nor thought I would be. As partners in parenthood and partners in business, my husband and I said we would take turns doing what was needed to support the home life and support our business, as we do. I had figured I’d hire a nanny/sitter, as if that was the only reasonable way to be a mom these days. After all, how else would I maintain my independent self, my business, my yoga practice, my piece of mind? But when it came to it, I wanted to be fully present with my child. Motherhood instinctively became the most important thing to me and I chose to follow my heart. It’s not for everyone, we all have different situations, but for my family, it works. It takes a supportive partner to be a stay at home mom and a lifestyle adjustment. Our thought was and still is, that the financial sacrifice of me not working full time is dwarfed by the opportunity to get to know our daughter well and truly be there for her in the early developmental years. I am grateful to have the choice. I think one of the biggest misconception of being a SAHM nowadays is that it is a choice only for the privileged economic class. It certainly is to some degree, but there are financial sacrifices that we make and lifestyle adjustments in order to live based on a single income. I know a handful of working class stay at home moms who chose this path to be with their children. Some work part-time, if they have to, on weekends, or take jobs where they can bring their children with them or they work from home. "
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"Aside from keeping a tiny, vulnerable human alive and safe night and day, allowing this same living being to flourish by creating an environment of love and compassion and curiosity, I find that I am also continuously a student because everything is constantly new and changing. I am a multi-tasking specialist, learning to trust myself and my instincts because there’s no 'right' way to do this job. I need to lead by example, at least try to remember to lead by example. And, of course, the ability to work long hours often without sleep, marathon days (and nights) is key! Lastly, I need to enter every situation with love, unconditional love, and patience, even though I’m sleep deprived and often don’t feel I have enough support. This job demands constant presence and communication both verbal and physical. I am a teacher, a healer, a guardian, and a guide, which requires patience, humility, compassion, and endurance. I fantasize about having a community of other moms who are around regularly on weekdays to play, share, create, socialize, and adventure with. It would make it more fun to be free with our kiddos and take turns, give each other breaks, listen to grievances or accomplishments, share the weight of teaching, supervising, cooking meals, and supporting each other. It’s much more of a rarity than I had realized to be a stay at home mom these days. Although the friends I do have are everything!"

"Becoming a stay at home mom was something I manifested at a very young age. We were raised by a single mom, who worked many jobs to keep us afloat. Although to some degree my young brain understood her absence in many ways, it still bothered me so much that I knew the opposite was exactly what I wanted for my children. I became infatuated with the idea. So, when the time came, with zero hesitation, I naturally fell into the role. There are many archetypes that I take on as a SAHM. I am a nurturer, cosmetologist, chief, nutritionist, 007 inspector gadget, boo-boo kissing nurse, herbalist, day planner, coordinator, house cleaner, friend, and many more. I didn't realize that the personal healing process would be this deep in my journey as a mother. I didn't realize that in order to be the mom my son needs me to be I must heal my own inner child, and take my self-healing journey extremely seriously."
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"Motherhood has changed drastically over the last several decades. The sense of tribalism/village living has disintegrated. SAHMs can be very isolated these days. It is not considered the norm, especially by many in black communities. We’re forgetting our roots and where we have come from. Thirty to forty years ago with no hesitation or request, grandma was cooking a meal for the family while mom helped with homework and studies. Neighborhood doors were unlocked and you could drop your children off to have play dates and trust the family would treat yours as their own. It has changed significantly. Although I do feel we are slowly, but surely finding our way back to this, leaving all of the unhealthy lessons, traits, and dysfunctional toxicity behind us. I’d love to share and gently remind us all that everything is all about perspective and the way we perceive things. We have a choice to decipher whether motherhood is something we were cursed by or initiated into by the divine. Be gentle with yourself, as motherhood is a transition through and back to ourselves."
Follow along with Stephanie on Instagram here.

"Stay at home mom life for me is a blissfully chaotic guessing game. Living in NYC had a lot to do with our decision for me to stay home. Childcare costs are outrageous and honestly, I don’t think I would have been able to trust someone to watch Zephyr out here. We also agreed that bonding between a baby and their mother is crucial when it comes to development and worth the loss of an income in our household. Currently, I’m an online health and fitness coach. I knew that if I wasn’t working at all I would feel like something was missing, and I’ve always wanted a career centered around helping others. Motivating people also helps me hold myself accountable. It’s so easy as a mom to let yourself go due to taking care of everyone else. My mission is to teach other moms how important self-care is and to help them grow."
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"Staying home is definitely different than I expected. I thought I would have all of the time in the world to have a tidy home and dinner on the table every night. In reality, I’m lucky if I fit a shower in some days. Even though my days run together and it’s hard to get things done in a timely manner, it’s so much better than I could have ever expected. My days are filled with cuddles, giggles, and pure love. Staying home with Zephyr has taught me to appreciate what’s truly important in life. When you’re with someone 24 hours a day and see them accomplish every single milestone, you realize the dishes can wait. I’ve always loved to play the piano and paint, and being at home has allowed me to spend time doing the things I love while teaching Zephyr the beauty of art. Creativity is very therapeutic for me, so spending a little time each day creating something has helped mellow my mindset tremendously."
Follow along with Annemarie on Instagram here.

"As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. There were no other options in my mind to consider. My mom did it for me and my sister. She sacrificed so many years of her life raising us at home; she even went as far as becoming a teacher at our schools all the way up until high school. That might sound crazy, but it always made us feel safe knowing that she was always there. Looking back at it now, as a mother, I truly understand how great of commitment she made to us. My mother was a monumental factor in choosing to become a SAHM. I thank god that my husband landed a great job with good insurance while I was pregnant; that helped make the whole transition to one income possible."
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"I started hand-lettering during my first year as a SAHM. It has brought me so much peace over the years. I opened up King and Folk Co., but I haven’t been as active in this season since my husband is currently deployed. When he gets back and I get my much-needed mommy time back, I plan on creating so much more to really grow the brand. I currently live with my sister who also became a stay at home mom of 7-month-old twins! We keep each other sane when we need some adult conversation. I also meet with a mommy prayer group once a week at my church. Meeting with these moms every week has been tremendously uplifting during this time. It has been super helpful for my two-year-old as well as she gets her own built-in community of friends. "
Follow along with Kelly on Instagram here and here.