Fatherhood
SPENCER AND KELLY’S PREGNANCY AND FATHERHOOD JOURNEY: THE SECOND TRIMESTER
Written by Erin Feher
Photography by PHOTOGRAPHY BY PETER DARNLEY-STUART
Sep 26, 2019
Last week we introduced you to Spencer and Kelly Dezart-Smith—a married couple living in Sydney, Australia, who were navigating those first blissful, nerve-wracking months of pregnancy. Spencer, the gestational carrier, is a transgender male who was born in the tiny farming town of Blackheath, Australia, while his husband, Kelly, is a first generation American, born to Haitian immigrants in New Jersey. When we last checked in with them, they were just coming up on 11 weeks, and still holding on to some nerves, as their previous pregnancy had ended in miscarriage.
This week, the couple invites us back into their home—where a sweet little nursery is starting to take shape—and opens up about everything from pregnancy cravings (hot soup on 100 degree days) to sharing the big news with friends and family to the challenge of shopping for maternity clothes as a man. We also join them at their doctor’s office as they get their long-awaited 20-week scan—and receive some unexpected news that revives some of the worry and apprehension that they had thought was behind them.
We are beyond honored that Spencer and Kelly agreed to open up their lives and their highly personal journey to us. We began photographing and interviewing them before most of their family and friends knew they were expecting, and continued throughout their entire pregnancy and beyond. Their candid, perceptive responses to our questions tell a story that is at once beautifully unique and completely relatable to any and all parents everywhere. While some of their struggles and experiences may seem radically different to some, their joys, fears, and hopes for their child and their future as a family are undeniably identical to those of any expectant parent. Click through the slideshow below to see what life is like for Kelly and Spencer during the second trimester.
This is part two in a five-part series. We invite you to follow along each week as they allow us into their home, their doctors’ offices, and their relationship, and cheer them on as they go through the experience of a lifetime.
Read Part One: The First Trimester, here.
Read Part Three: The Third Trimester, here.
Read Part Four: The Birth! here.
Read Part Five: Life as Dads, here.
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- SPENCER: "Tomorrow we will be 24 weeks!"
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- SPENCER: "Physically I am feeling pretty good overall. I mean, I have a bunch of annoying things, but in the context of life they’re not too bad. At work I sit at a desk most of the day. Over the last week my back has started to hurt after a while. I requested a standing desk, so I am now able to convert it to standing when it gets too bad. Also, I am suffering from a serious bout of restless leg syndrome. I actually have dealt with this condition since I was young, but it's kicked into overdrive during this pregnancy. It’s the worst in the evening, but thankfully calms down when I go to bed."
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- SPENCER: "I actually haven’t had any cravings, but I also may not fully understand what they are. I think I imagine them to be this overwhelming, uncontrollable urge to eat pickles and ice cream! I have had a strong desire to eat soup, which is pretty hilarious considering how hot it has been in Sydney. Kelly loves nothing more than coming home to hot chicken soup on a blazing hot day LOL! I haven’t really been that into the idea of eating meat, which is a pretty big change from pre-pregnancy where I was strictly keto, therefore eating predominately meat."
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- SPENCER: "The only real change in my body has been my belly. I could notice the subtle changes at around 19 weeks, but seriously, during the last week I feel like my belly has doubled in size. It can no longer go either way, but because I still read as male, the either/or is people assume I have been drinking a lot of beer. Oh, and my fingernails are growing at a rapid rate and my gums bleed here and there. It’s all super glamorous."
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- SPENCER: "It’s actually been beautiful. I think once I started feeling this baby move I was lost to the joy of it all. I love that I can carry a baby. To me I don’t identify it as being female but rather being magical. Female bodies are magical and so is mine. The two are different."
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- SPENCER: "Not at all. I think I experience gender as something outside of the societal construct. I don’t generally think of male rules and female rules. I am myself and some things I do fall into society's ‘female’ category and some into the ‘male’ category. To me I am just partaking in a human experience."
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- SPENCER: "I generally just identify as male, but I’m not strict about it. I am a trans man, so I identify with that also. There aren't a ton of trans man boxes to tick, ha! Male feels good to me."
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- KELLY: "I find supporting my partner means continuously checking in with him and what his current needs are. Right now it varies from a shoulder rub, to making dinner, or going on walks together. We’ve probably mentioned this before, and I guess I really can’t stress enough the importance of having a therapist. Our therapist has been able to facilitate some really beautiful conversations between Spence and I. And one of those conversations was about expressing our needs while pregnant. It was really important for me to hear that Spence is actually quite self-sufficient. And what he actually needed the most was for me to able to talk about how I was feeling, too."
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- KELLY: "Like most expecting parents, we wanted to make sure everything was alright with the baby before we shared our news. We decided to tell our immediate family as we entered our second trimester. To be honest, our previous miscarriage left us feeling a bit guarded. News in my family travels fast. So I strategized to tell my immediate family in a series of back-to-back phone calls. I called my mother first. She didn’t pick up, so I called my dad. My dad didn’t pick up, so I called my sister. My sister picked up. She was at home with my 5-year-old nephew and I was on speaker phone. I asked if my mother was around in hopes of telling them at the same time. My mother wasn’t. I tried to keep my voice as neutral as possible, but my sister was already suspicious. ‘Is everything alright?’ She asked. I casually said, ‘Yeah, Spence and I wanted to share some news with y’all.’ And just like that she knew. She started screaming in excitement. I said, ‘I actually haven’t said anything yet.’ And she immediately quieted down, ‘Oh, what’s your news?’ And I said, ‘We’re pregnant.’ And as you can imagine the joyous screams got even louder. My nephew asked what was going on, and my sister told him we were having a baby. He immediately asked who was pregnant in that innocent and adorable way only a 5-year-old can. And my sister said uncle Spencer is pregnant. My nephew immediately began happy screaming."
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- SPENCER: "I was so excited to tell my family! I have always wanted to give my mum the experience of having a grandchild. I know that my mum really wanted to have more kids but life just didn’t pan out that way. I think she probably thought that this would never happen just because my life and identity was all over the place. I had told my mum straight away when we fell pregnant the first time. She obviously told her sisters, which is like fire in the wind—it spread quickly. When we lost that baby it was really heartbreaking to have to tell her. This time we waited until 13 weeks and after we had a successful NT scan. Literally hours after having a positive scan I called my mum. She was down south with two of my aunties at the time. She had me on speaker phone and when I said 'I have exciting news…. you're going to be a grandma!' She thought our cats were gonna have kittens, LOL. I was like, 'No you’re gonna be a grandma to a little baby. A human baby.' I think mum went into shock. I could hear her tell my aunty in the background and she too asked if the cats were having kittens. That just highlights how much the idea of us having a baby had probably faded away after the loss we all experienced. I still don’t think she truly believes it’s happening."
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- SPENCER: "My family has always been 100% supportive of me. I couldn’t ask for a more loving and accepting family, actually. I am an only child, but as I mentioned before, I am part of a very large family. There is a solid mix of folks from the city and folks from the country, therefore everyone has a multitude of life experiences. Even with that being the case, I have not experienced anything but love throughout my journey. The sweetest is all my little cousins, especially the new ones coming up who are witnessing my pregnancy. For them this was something cool and exciting. My little cousin mentioned that she thought it was so awesome that this was happening in her family!"
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- KELLY: "I came out as queer to myself and my family right after I started college. Like most Caribbean families, mine is beautiful and complex. They love and support me, but our journey to our present relationship wasn’t without tears and conversations. I’m convinced they now love my husband more than they love me."
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- KELLY: "We decided to wait until we were 24-weeks pregnant before we told our wider circle of friends and community. We made really cute independent social media posts. The immediate response was very warm and supportive. In fact, several queer friends reached out to say congratulations and share they too were on their journey to becoming parents. I guess I was pleasantly surprised to learn that so many other queer families were excited to raise children, and that we’re about to be part of a really great network of queer parents."
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- KELLY: "People assume a lot of things about pregnancy. One of those things is that a man can’t carry a child. People often ask if we’re getting a surrogate or if we’re adopting. I just smile and say, ‘Spence is carrying our baby.’ Queer folks usually immediately get it, move the conversation to a place of excitement, and ask about names and other fun baby things. Other folks usually say bizarre things like, ‘How is that possible?' or 'I didn’t know Spence was trans.’ Gender is one of those interesting concepts that highlight how well someone has been indoctrinated. So, I’ll say this once so it’s on record: Gender is a social construct. There are as many ways to express one’s gender as there are people in the world. If you don’t know, it’s O.K. to ask folks what pronouns they prefer. And do yourself a favor: Challenge your gender assumptions and have fun exploring the fullness of your gender."
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- SPENCER: "I am actually seeing a fetal medicine specialist and a midwife."
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- SPENCER: "All the markers where pointing to ‘low risk’ until our 20 week scan. During that scan my cervix measured only 21mm! Ideally it should be above 3mm at that point, with 25mm the minimum. This can mean a risk of preterm birth. This news rocked our worlds. I was prescribed progesterone, told to take it easy, and come back in a week for a follow up scan. I was terrified during that first week. I thought I would go into labor at any minute. For the following two weeks I was checked and thankfully it has slowly increased! The checkups stretched out to bi-weekly, and the last one extended to a three-week gap. Slowly I have started to feel more confident that everything will be O.K. Because we are having our care through a high-risk doctor we have been having a ‘high risk’ level of care, which feels amazing. We have spent such a long time trying to bring a baby into the world that having regular ultrasounds and check-ups feels amazing."
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- KELLY: "Our 20-week appointment was pretty notable. It was our half-way mark through our journey being pregnant. It was the appointment where the doctor did a full anatomy scan of the baby. We got to see our baby’s developing brain, internal organs, hands and feet. The doctor also did this really amazing dynamic 3D scan which created an almost photo-like image of our baby. Our baby was healthy and growing almost a week ahead of schedule. At this appointment we also learned Spencer’s cervix was slightly shorter than normal. This caused us both a bit of anxiety. A shortened cervix can result in preterm labor. Our doctor and midwife were pretty amazing. They reassured us that folks with shortened cervix often make it to full term with medical assistance. Spence started taking some medicine and his cervix has stabilized. We’re now 24-weeks pregnant."
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- SPENCER: "My experience thus far has been pretty amazing. Australia has a universal healthcare system, so we started out trying to navigate the general pathway that the majority of pregnant people follow here in Australia. That is, book in for an NT scan at the hospital and make an appointment with the antenatal clinic, and then for each appointment you see whoever is on duty. There are a couple of other options, one of which we really wanted. This was the midwifery program. The program involves working with a small group of midwives who basically provide continued care for the duration of your pregnancy. This program is very popular, so each hospital only offers it to people who are within the hospitals catchment area. We really wanted a specific hospital and unfortunately we fell just outside of the catchment so we didn’t qualify."
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- "So, after we learned that, I booked in my scan and then tried to make the antenatal appointment through the hospitals website. By the time the NT scan came around, we still had not heard back from the hospital. The doctor who did my scan just happened to be the head of fetal medicine. He was so amazing and sweet. When the appointment was over he asked if I had made an antenatal appointment yet. I told him I had not heard anything and he said ‘Don’t worry, I will have a midwife call you.’ Two days later I received a call from his personal midwife letting me know that he would like to take over our care! He had some experience working with trans folks and said ‘Navigating this system is hard enough already without being trans.’ I couldn’t really believe it! So we have been working with him and his midwife exclusively. This feels so magical, and Kelly and I have both been made to feel very special."
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- SPENCER: "I did have a very intense experience with a pathology department, which was super disappointing. I had been given an order for pregnancy blood work. I handed the order to the receptionist and took a number. Soon after a phlebotomist came into the busy waiting area and proceeded to question my pregnancy in front of everybody waiting. He asked to see my identification and said things like ‘You can’t be pregnant’ and ‘So you’re female? But this says male.' It was very embarrassing and I felt humiliated to say the least. All this happened in front of many people."
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- SPENCER: "I contacted my midwife who handled the situation perfectly. She was mortified that it happened and used it as an opportunity to provide education to the whole department. Hopefully no other trans men will go through this again at this hospital."
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- KELLY: "Everyone deserves to have safe and humane medical treatment. I know that’s not the case for several of our transgender friends and family, especially a lot of the black and brown trans women I know. I feel really lucky that our overall experience with medical providers has been really amazing. We have a queer midwife who has been extraordinary. She’s worked hard to make sure we are looked after and made to feel supported."
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- SPENCER: "I believe I am the first for my midwife, but not my doctor. He has mentioned that he has experience with other trans men presenting as the gestational carrier. While trans men birthing babies is still relatively rare, it still happens. From some initial digging into the internet, I found that in 2017 there were 54 people who identify as men who had given birth in Australia. Of those men, 16 of them were in the same state as me. Obviously this number is tiny but not nonexistent! I think I am the first for many of the other health care professionals that I have come into contact with."
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- Back at home the nursery is taking shape!
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- SPENCER: "Actually no one has misgendered me. It’s really difficult to do when you’re looking at someone who looks and sounds 100% male. Even if you know this person is pregnant, it’s still hard to do. That’s what I think anyway. I mean, I did have that one time at an IVF clinic in San Francisco where someone flat out called me ‘she.' Everyone has been very good with pronouns. If not, I would kindly correct them."
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- Booties for the littlest feet.
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- SPENCER: "No, we’re waiting till birth to find out. It doesn’t matter in the slightest what sex the baby is. This baby is the most magical creature, irregardless."
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- KELLY: "We’ve decided to keep the sex of our baby a surprise. I mean, gender is a construct and is always in flux. And if our child is anything like us, they will have a rich and beautiful life where their gender may evolve with time. Also, that doesn’t mean we’re not going to gender our child. We’ll most likely gender our child with whatever sex their born with, and we’ll make sure to teach our child that gender isn’t static. 'Your dads have lots of friends who used to be little girls and are now big boys' and vice versa. And gender is a lot more dynamic than the binary. There are genders yet to be imagined."
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- SPENCER: "Ha! Well this is actually a complex issue. I actually told my employer the day I was being laid off. I was working for a small startup here in Sydney as a software engineer. My employer already knew I was trans. I was waiting until the pregnancy was solid before telling him. One morning at around four months, I walked into the office and was told that our company had run out of money and we were all out of a job. We were given two weeks notice. My boss was super sad about the situation and wanted to offer as much help as possible with finding us new jobs. This was when I told him I was pregnant…he started to cry."
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- SPENCER: "Luckily, I was contracted out at the time to another company. I had been working on their new product for the past five months. When my boss delivered the news we chatted about approaching the company to see if they could take me on full time. Thankfully, they did. This meant that my process of finding a new job, while stressful, was relatively straight forward. My new company was massive compared to my previous one. I now needed to begin the process of letting people know here. I needed to come out as trans and also come out as pregnant. It helped that there was an HR department. That’s where my process began. I sat down with HR and explained the situation. The information was nerve wracking to deliver but very well received. From there I have just told people on a need-to-know basis. I am only about a month in here so we will see how the situation unfolds."
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- Ready and waiting for tiny!
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- SPENCER: "This has been confusing and difficult. I have basically just bought maternity pants and big t-shirts and jumpers. My go to place is ASOS. The maternity clothes are generally androgynous, so I grabbed a couple pairs of business pants. I am doing my best, but it’s difficult because I generally love clothes, but I am just letting the time pass in oversized shirts."
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- KELLY: "My husband is very fashion conscious and I think he’s done a really amazing job with his paternity wardrobe. He’s always had an oversized-drop-crotch-pants-Rick-Owens vibe, which has worked really well for paternity fashion. Also, I think the goal right now is to find garments that are comfortable and versatile. It’s been really fun to walk into stores and reimagine garments. We’ve been able to find great stuff at ASOS, H&M and even Kmart, actually."
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- Those days when all you can do is imagine what they will be like.
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- KELLY: "Right now we’re excited to enter our third trimester. It’s the home stretch, and I finally feel like we’re starting to relax about being pregnant. A lot of my anxieties about being pregnant are starting to subside and be overtaken by my excitement. I mean, we’re about to be dads to a really rad little person."
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- Make sure to come back next Thursday when we check in on Spencer and Kelly and they share the next phase of their pregnancy journey: the third and final trimester before baby arrives!
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On the edge of my seat! Massive gratitude to Spencer and Kelly for sharing such a personal experience with the world at large. Their love and dedication to one another is beautiful. They both seem incredibly gracious – not settling for ignorance or judgement, but understanding that it takes time. I appreciate that they’ve embraced this opportunity to use their unique story as a moment to inform others, and allow us to celebrate their wonderful journey.
I’m rooting for you both!
Oh thank you Spencer and Kelly for sharing your beautiful story of becoming a little family. Much love and positive vibrations from just north of Sydney xx and a x for your baby.
Love this beautiful series! I get tears in my eyes reading their story. That’s one lucky baby :)
Just love their story.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful series! Spencer and Kelly’s baby will have such a loving record of this time.
This made my day! Spencer and Kelly give me so much hope. One day, my son will be in their shoes as he wants to carry his own babies. You humans give us so much to which we can look forward!