Childbirth
Spencer and Kelly’s Pregnancy and Fatherhood Journey: The Birth!
Written by Erin Feher
Photography by Peter Darnley-Stuart
Oct 10, 2019
The big day is finally here! And we don’t know about you, but we think we may be just as excited as these two dads-to-be! After a five-year journey that was marked by hope, uncertainty, heartbreak, across-the-world moves, new jobs, and some really REAL conversations, Spencer and Kelly Dezart-Smith are about to become the family of three they have been dreaming of for so long.
Today they walk us through their entire birth story, from their unique birth plan to their final meal as a family of two to the birth itself, and of course those bittersweet first few days afterwards, as they stumble blissfully through the earliest moments of brand-new parenthood. And a name reveal for baby Dezart-Smith!
This is part four in a five-part series following the pregnancy and fatherhood journey of two loving dads based in Sydney Australia. Spencer, a transgender male, is the gestational carrier of their baby, and the couple has graciously invited MOTHER—and you!—to walk beside them (and cheer them on!) they go though the experience of a lifetime.
Read Part One: The First Trimester, here.
Read Part Two: The Second Trimester, here.
Read Part Three: The Third Trimester, here.
Read Part Five: Life as Dads, here.
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SPENCER: “I stopped working two days before our scheduled cesarean. Those two days were so strange. I was calm and slow moving, but also intensely reflective and nervous. It was a bizarre combination. At that point I just wanted the baby out, but I was also very unsure about the whole situation.”
KELLY: “The days leading up to our cesarean were actually really slow and quiet. Spence had stopped working and we were just waiting. We had done all the things on our list, and Spence even said to me, ‘I feel bored.’ That made me giggle considering we were about to become parents and probably never be bored again. Spence was experiencing lighting crotch, that shooting electric sensation pregnant folks may feel when their baby’s head push on their cervix. This usually would happen while Spence was walking. It happened constantly which made me often time think Spence was going into labor, and he would just reply, while crouched over and breathing deeply, 'lightning crotch’ and continue walking.”
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SPENCER: “There were two things we knew for sure going into the birth: baby names and the fact that our quest to find breast milk had failed. Our hope had been to get some breastmilk for our baby to have initially, but after so much effort from our midwives and doctor, all of the avenues of inquiry failed. We were rejected by the Red Cross who provide breast milk to the hospital for preterm babies, I had no solid hits when I reached out to human milk donation sites on Facebook, and friends who were having babies around the same time needed all the milk for their own little ones. Eventually we had to just settle with the fact that we would need to feed him formula.”
KELLY: “We had two names ready, depending on the sex. We really wanted to have our baby’s first name be a gender-neutral name. We had a long list of names and narrowed it down to Alexis if the sex was male and Theordore if the sex was female. We decided that regardless of the sex we would use the middle name Alan, after a beautiful artist friend of ours who had passed away.”
SPENCER: “We always knew the middle name would be Alan. This was in memory of a friend from Mexico City. He was such a magical being who was taken from this earth way too soon. We could only hope that our child would have just a quarter of his spirit.”
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KELLY: “After much conversation and thought, Spence and I decided to have an elected cesarean. Spence was reasonably anxious and uncomfortable with the unknown territory of a ‘natural’ labor. He found it stressful to imagine that he would need to explain to health care professionals that he was trans or worst convince folks he was pregnant in the midst of experiencing the intense pain of contractions and the nervousness of giving birth. Our health care team was really supportive. They gave us all the information around having a ‘ceasar’—a shortening used by everyone at the hospital, which would also make me giggle and feel like we were planning dinner as opposed to planning a birth—and facilitated a birth plan that was perfect for us. The only caveat was we had to wait until week 39 in order to have an elected ‘ceasar.’ Despite the relief we felt in having a date and a plan, there was still a bit of anxiety, because our baby could really come at any moment."
SPENCER: “We were asked to check into the hospital the day before the procedure so that we would avoid mainstream waiting areas the morning of. The plan was for us to check into the antenatal ward at 3 p.m. the day prior, and then after the procedure we would return there for a postnatal stay. Privacy and limited exposure was the underlying theme to the birth. You know, I didn’t feel very attached to the birth process. It felt like a means to an end, therefore I wasn’t really into the idea of family or friends being there during it. We agreed that it would just be Kelly and I, and once we felt up to it we would call people to let them know when to come in.”
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KELLY: “August 14th, as planned, we checked into the hospital that afternoon. We had an appointment with an anesthetist and then went out for our last meal as a family of two. We walked to this super cute vegan pizzeria close by. We had a margarita pizza and a delicious spinach and ‘ricotta’ calzone. After dinner we slowly walked back to the hospital. It felt surreal to think that by this time tomorrow we would be parents.”
SPENCER: “We wanted to use dinner as a moment for us to reflect on the journey we have been on these last years, and also look ahead to the new journey we were about to embark upon. When we left the hospital, we interlocked arms and walked to the restaurant. I was heavily pregnant at almost 39 weeks and felt self conscious in my body, but I walked proudly next to my husband protected by the dream that we had nurtured to the precipice of realization.”
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- SPENCER: “Back at the hospital, our room was private and small. Hospitals really are impossible. They lack any type of warmth besides the overbearing heating. There was a small pull-out red chair where Kelly would have to sleep for the duration of our stay. He is so tall, so imagining him getting through the next few days felt difficult. How would we survive the next few days in this tiny little room?? But there was a tiny little baby bed pushed to the side, and when I saw that I could see that we were about to become the family we had always dreamed of, and it would be perfect irregardless of our surroundings. We listened to a couple of podcasts before preparing for bed and being stolen by sleep. It was very much like the night before Christmas—the idea being that the earlier you sleep, the earlier you get your presents. At 6:30 a.m. I woke up, showered, and put on my surgery garb and waited for showtime.”
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KELLY: ”The morning came quick. We were the first family to have a ‘ceasar’ that day. Everything went according to plan until they had to put in Spence’s cannula. It took them about an hour to get it in. All I could think about was that our baby’s astrological chart was changing from what we had initially thought it would be, lolz.”
SPENCER: “The whole experience felt very Black Mirror to me. Everything felt heightened. The porter wheeling my bed through the corridors seemed bigger, Kelly felt taller, the hospital lights seemed brighter, and my heart beat faster. Prior to this moment, I had asked for something to calm my nerves, but when the time came, I said I didn’t need it—I felt like I would be able to manage my anxiety just using my breath. This assumption was challenged hard when almost an hour later they were still trying to place my cannula! I have difficult veins and this proved to push my zen to the limits. Eventually, I was good to go, and moved into theatre alone to get prepped for surgery. The two doctors performing the procedure were women who were so smart and confident that I was able to remain calm while sitting in a pool of panic. Kelly joined me once I was lying on the operating table with the curtain up. The time had come, we were about to meet our baby.”
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- The bedside table, L&D style.
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KELLY: “Before I knew it, I was sitting by Spence’s side while the obstetrics team, our midwife, and the anesthetist all buzzed around.”
SPENCER: “There really is something to be said about being awake while people take a baby out of your body through your stomach, lolz. What a crazy experience! It was like someone doing the dishes inside my body. That sounds really intense, but that’s what it felt like. I looked at Kelly the whole time, petrified. The worst part was that the massive light above me was reflective and I could see all that was happening. I was trying not to look as it was making me nauseous. Eventually, I asked for the curtain to be shifted so I could no longer see. I could hear things like ‘pass me the forceps,’ ‘the uterus isn’t contracting,’ along with other sound bites. All I wanted to hear was my baby crying, and then minutes later, bang….the room was engulfed in that sound. Our baby was here and he was screaming so loud. They pulled the curtain down and there he was.”
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KELLY: “At 9:44 a.m. on August 15th, Alexis Alan Dezart-Smith came roaring into the world. A little more than 3.9kg, we had a big, beautiful, healthy baby boy. They laid him on Spence’s chest and the world seem to slow down almost instantly. I think that’s what falling in love feels like. We were a family of three now, and I was madly in love with my husband and son.“
SPENCER: “Our baby…our beautiful miracle baby. He was beyond perfect. They put him on my chest and I just stared into his little eyes. I saw this baby when he was a clump of dividing cells, five days after the egg had fertilized. Now he was lying on my body and his hands were a miniature version of Kelly’s. His little lips looked like a photo someone had taken of my own when I was like 25 years old. He was healthy, big, and finally quiet.”
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SPENCER: “He was here now and nothing would ever be the same. Soon after, all of a sudden I felt like I was going to pass out. I passed him over to Kelly and he held him for the rest of the recovery, as I was battling against falling asleep. I lost a fair bit of blood, so I am not sure if that was it, but it was like I had had a shot of morphine. Kelly did skin-to-skin with him and fed him his first bottle. After an unknown period of time, we were taken back to our impossible little room, only now a little baby lay in the baby bed, which was empty just hours before.”
KELLY: “After Lexi was born and we were all safely back in our room we called our family to let them know they could visit. That first day we had so many visitors. We had family come from all over Sydney to meet Lexi. We stayed in the hospital for a routine 72 hours. Those three days were like an intensive into having a newborn. We got to practice feeding, swaddling, soothing, and bathing our baby. We had visits from our family and extended queer family. Alexis was finally here and as expected he was already stealing hearts.”
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KELLY: “Spence was pretty out of it the first night. He was in a bit of pain and couldn’t move, really. So I predominantly cared for Lexi that first night. I fed him, changed his nappy, and held him. Having a baby is a wild experience. I for sure felt nervous, but there’s something to be said about instincts. Even though I felt unsure of what to do at times that first night, I also felt confident that I would figure it out.”
SPENCER: "Having a c-section made that first night pretty difficult. I couldn’t get out of bed at all, so I was limited in what I could do. I had his little cot by me through the night, but Kelly mostly took the lead. They really do just leave you with the baby. There was very little intervention from the midwives. We just did our best caring for the most valuable little being that was now dependent on us.”
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- Home sweet home!
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KELLY: “We were so excited to leave the hospital and go home to our bed. Our close friend Axel picked us up and drove us home. Lexi was perfect, and basically slept the entire journey. Within an hour of being home we had family over to visit.”
SPENCER: “We were released after three days which was a relief. As sweet as the hospital staff were, there were a couple of really intense moments for me while I was there. I was asked really personal questions about my body and transition by one midwife just ‘out of curiosity.’ I also turned around after bathing our baby in the postnatal ward to see another new father recording us on his phone. There is nothing like feeling like a ‘curiosity’ while at your most vulnerable. I was still in quite a bit of pain when we left, but we were released into in-home care, which meant the midwives would come to our house every day to check on the baby and I. Bringing Alexis into the house was really surreal. There had been all this space carved out from him for months, and now all the spaces were filled with his presence.”
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- Friends and family from around the world sent their joyful congrats.
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KELLY: “After we got home from the hospital, Spence and I split the responsibility of taking care of Lexi and managing our home pretty evenly. We had actually talked at length about the ways we could both split the work of taking care of Alexis. In our birth plan, we both planned on doing skin-to-skin contact with Alexis. It was really important that we both had ample time connecting with our son. We’re bottle feeding and not breastfeeding, and Lexi quickly adapted to a 4-hour feed cycle. Which means we usually get up twice during the night to feed him. Spence and I usually take a turn each, getting up and feeding Lexi at night. This has worked really well because it allows us both to get consecutive hours of rest. We try our best to share in the housework and overall care of our son.”
SPENCER: “It’s interesting how the division of responsibilities just happened organically. We talked previously about how we would take one whole night on and the next night off, switching out, but it didn’t really happen that way. At night we took turns feeding. We were lucky because he really went straight into a pretty regular schedule, which made it easy for us to predict what was needed. I feel like we just do whatever is needed at the time which is really nice.”
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- Family portraits!
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KELLY: “Before Lexi, my world was very fast paced and busy—work, social engagements, projects, events, etc. After Lexi was born, it all slowed down. I get back to emails and texts slower. I spend a lot more time at home. I mean, Spence and I are completely in service to Lexi. At times I felt unsure of what he may need, and uncertain if I was doing a good job. I think all these experiences and emotions are par for the course for new parents. We’re slowly learning how to balance caring for our child, our workload, and nurturing our relationship as a couple.”
SPENCER: “Not being certain about what he needs at any given moment is the hardest thing. Also, not knowing if we’re doing a good job. Lack of sleep is also really hard. I think we have it pretty easy, as we still get about six hours of sleep each, but looking after a little baby and managing a house is exhausting!”
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- Time to put all the books to use!
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KELLY: “One of my favorite moments so far was giving Lexi his first bath at home—technically his second bath ever—and watching him relax into the warm water. Another sweet memory was watching Lexi sleep in his crib for the first time and hearing him make all his cute goat sounds while he slept. And we have so many photos of Lexi in all the cute clothes our family bought him those first few days.
SPENCER: “Listening to his little noises and looking at his perfect features are my sweetest moments so far. Also, conversations with Kelly that go something like: ‘I love him so much!’ ‘Me too’ ‘How is he so perfect?!!‘ ‘Look at how beautiful he is.’ It’s magical to just be in awe of this tiny little person."
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- Obsessed.
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Congratulations Spencer and Kelly! Alexis is a beautiful and very lucky kid and you both are incredibly strong. Enjoy your wonderful family!
Damn onions. Congratulations! If only every child in the world was this loved