Childbirth
Spencer and Kelly’s Pregnancy and Fatherhood Journey: The Third Trimester (And Baby Shower!)
Written by Erin Feher
Photography by PHOTOGRAPHY BY PETER DARNLEY-STUART
Oct 3, 2019
For those of you who have become loyal followers of the story of Spencer and Kelly Dezart-Smith, two incredible dads-to-be who are graciously sharing their pregnancy journey with MOTHER, this is a big week! Spencer is 38 weeks pregnant, and just days away from finally giving birth! This week, the couple invites us all into their gorgeous baby shower, held in a cousin’s stunning Kings Cross flat with a view of the Sydney skyline. It’s a truly special occasion, as many of their closest friends and supporters from the queer community and their biological family members meet for the first time. Spoiler: It’s a love fest. Spencer and Kelly also show us around their new home—they had been hoping to move into a bigger place before baby arrives, and recently found the perfect spot. Finally, they let us accompany them to one of their final parenting classes, where they get schooled in the fine art of swaddling.
For those of you joining us for the first time, Spencer and Kelly are a married couple living in Sydney, Australia. Spencer, the gestational carrier, is a transgender male who was born in the tiny farming town of Blackheath, Australia, while his husband, Kelly, is a first generation American, born to Haitian immigrants in New Jersey. They generously agreed to open up their lives and their highly personal family journey to us. We began photographing and interviewing them before most of their family and friends knew they were expecting, and continued throughout their entire pregnancy and beyond. Their candid, perceptive responses to our questions tell a story that is at once beautifully unique and completely relatable to any and all parents everywhere. While some of their struggles and experiences may seem radically different to some, their joys, fears, and hopes for their child and their future as a family are undeniably identical to those of any expectant parent. We invite you to follow along each week as they allow us into their home, their doctors’ offices, and their relationship, and cheer them on as they go through the experience of a lifetime. Click through the slideshow below to see what life is like for Kelly and Spencer during the third and final trimester of pregnancy.
This is part three in a five-part series.
Read Part One: The First Trimester, here.
Read Part Two: The Second Trimester, here.
Read Part Four: The Birth! here.
Read Part Five: Life as Dads, here.
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SPENCER: "Today I am 38 weeks and 3 days. I feel O.K. I mean, I am tired and over it, but really there is nothing majorly wrong. I have been suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome, so my fingertips are numb, which is very annoying. But other than that…just ready."
KELLY: "And Spencer has been getting lighting crotch. It’s a sharp shooting pain that can occur when the baby’s head goes so low and pushes on a nerve. It comes on without warning, and makes me think we’re going into labor anytime it happens, lol. I’m looking forward to having our baby safe and with us and watching all of Spencer’s pregnancy symptoms get better."
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- SPENCER: "The baby has hair! We were able to see the their hair at our 36-week ultrasound. I have been suffering from heartburn, which they say is a sign of hair. I am glad it hasn’t all been for nothing."
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- SPENCER: "Our baby shower was so beautiful. I have a cousin who I am very close with. Like brothers, really. Always. Since we were babies. Kelly and I asked him if he would be open to hosting the shower at his amazing apartment, which overlooks the city. He so graciously accepted and the rest was history. We had a dear friend cater the event with small bites, all from the local farmers' market. Our friends and family celebrated with punch, wine, and champagne into the evening. It was more like a cocktail party. Baby showers are so interesting. The tradition that surrounds them can be very limiting. I mean the ‘no men’ rule Kelly and I had ruled out from the beginning. We decided to just have a party instead."
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- KELLY: "Yes, it was definitely more of a decadent cocktail party, and it was absolutely magical. We had it in Kings Cross and we had about 30 guests—and probably could have easily doubled that number if capacity wasn’t a concern—of our nearest and dearest. It was the first time our queer family and our biological family were in the same room. Everyone got along wonderfully and it just highlighted how fortunate we are to have such a strong and beautiful support network. And also the food! The food was catered by a sweet friend Merna who makes the most amazing crumpets. Her farm-to-table spread was a big hit with all the guests."
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KELLY: "Our tiny arrives in three days. I feel excited and pretty calm and appreciative to have this time. A lot has happened in our final trimester. We moved house at 35 weeks, and we’re settling nicely into our new space. We’re taking the time to really enjoy these last few days together."
SPENCER: "I am actually feeling solid emotionally. I am so excited to be so close to the end. I feel like I have been chasing this moment for years now. Not just the having-a-baby moment, but the point at which I can close this chapter of my life and get back to my identity. That’s just as exciting to me."
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- KELLY: "Spence and I talk to tiny often. We often put our hands on Spence’s belly and touch the different parts of tiny’s body parts that are protruding out."
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SPENCER: "I have decided to have an elective cesarean section. This wasn’t my first choice. I was actually pretty adamant that I didn’t want this, but as the time approached and I began having conversations with my midwife about the birth plan, my mind changed. The birth plan conversation involved so much more than just my preferences when it came to the way I wished to birth my baby. It actually felt more like a mental health plan. There needed to be conversations about pronouns and terminology and people allowed in the room and many other things pertaining to my male identity. I realized that the hospital, on a real basic level, just isn’t set out to accommodate this situation. That isn’t to say that they weren’t being accommodating, because they were really trying, but I just didn’t want to put my mental health at risk at a time when I would be the most vulnerable. I also didn’t want to put Kelly in a position where he would have to be on guard and advocating the whole time to make sure things weren’t weird."
KELLY: "I feel really fortunate to have such an amazing medical team. Our doctor and midwife have been really great at letting us know what our birthing options are. My husband is one of the strongest men I know, and he was getting nervous not knowing when he would give birth. That's when we talked and decided to have a c-section. We know our tiny can come at any time, and I feel really good knowing we have a date."
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- SPENCER: "One of my biggest fears was being in labor in a waiting room and having everyone stare at me. Whether or not that would have happened doesn’t matter, but it's an example of just one of the ways I felt super exposed and fearful. I sat with my thoughts for a few days and decided the controlled and planned nature of a c-section felt way more manageable. I chatted with Kelly about it, and then my doctor and midwife, and now I feel much better. Our plan involves having a private space to wait prior to the procedure rather than being with the general public, and having our postnatal stay be in a smaller ward where my midwife is based and all of the other midwives have been briefed on our situation. We were also able to meet with our surgeon and all the other people involved in the procedure. I feel like my mental health was centered in these conversations, which in turn feels like the best thing for our baby."
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- SPENCER: "I am for sure nervous about the procedure. I feel anxious about being awake during the whole thing. I don’t really have any worries other than what I imagine are the worries of all new parents. I hope my baby is healthy and that the birth is an easy experience for them. I hope they come out crying."
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- KELLY: "Spence and I have been spending a lot of time together. It’s been really sweet. He has been working from home and has recently started his parental leave. I’ll never know what it’s like to carry a baby for nine months. I often ask him how he feels and if he needs anything. I’ve tried my best to make sure he’s as comfortable as possible during this final trimester. I think supporting your partner means asking them what they need and hearing their desires."
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- KELLY: "Packing for a hospital stay is nothing like packing for a holiday. Our bags are actually quite mundane. We’ve packed all the necessities: a change in clothes, toiletries, and all the necessary baby accoutrements. We did get a special travel bag for the baby. It’s actually designed really well, separate compartments for food, nappies, and other baby essentials. I’m actually really excited to see it in use!"
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- SPENCER: "I walk everyday and I ate some dates. Lol."
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- SPENCER: "No. I have had a double mastectomy with nipple grafts. That means that my nipples were completely removed and grafted back in a different place. We have been trying to get some breast milk to feed our baby at least in the first days while in the hospital. We will see how that turns out."
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SPENCER: "As I mentioned earlier in the pregnancy, I had to switch jobs at four-months pregnant. This impacted my parental-leave options. Generally, you need to be with your employer for 12 months before you qualify for paid parental leave through your work. If that had been the case, I would’ve had three months paid leave at my full pay rate, followed by the option of another six weeks paid at minimum wage, paid by the government. Since that isn’t the case, I will have six weeks parental leave paid by the government. Kelly is a little more flexible, so he will be home with the baby after that. It’s all worked out O.K."
KELLY: "I’m not really taking any official time off. I work for myself, and I keep a pretty flexible schedule. I’m planning on being a stay-at-home parent, especially in the beginning. I’ll continue to work from home, and I guess with time I’ll figure out what balance looks like. Right now, I’m appreciative and look forward to getting to spend my days with tiny."
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- SPENCER: "Feeling my baby move. I mean, I am in awe of what my body can do. Growing a baby feels so wild and I am so grateful that I had the ability to do this for Kelly and I."
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- SPENCER: "Being a pregnant man. It’s such a strange in-between place to exist for nine months. I feel incredibly exposed and invisible at the same time. For example, not everyone at my work knows I am pregnant. There are other pregnant people there, and I have had situations where I have walked by while they’re talking about their pregnancies and being excited, etc. I just walk by, not being able to engage without a whole other conversation needing to take place. I also feel that on the street and in the hospital. Then being a man who is visibly getting bigger and looking pregnant is a whole other level of awkwardness. I thought I would just blend in with all the other heavy drinkers, haha. It didn’t feel like that at times. Especially towards the end."
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SPENCER: "Well, we moved house at 35 weeks pregnant. We had been living with a friend in a small inner-city terrace house and really wanted to be in a place of our own before the baby arrived. The place we moved into is gorgeous. It’s not far from where we were, but much bigger. Our bedroom is essentially a large attic space to which the stairs enter through the middle. This makes it so our bed can be at one end and the nursery at the other. Our aesthetic is mostly earth tones, plants, and a refurbished midcentury feel. None of the furniture is new. The space feels very calm and easy, which I love."
KELLY: "Spence actually salvaged a vintage chest of drawers, sanded and oiled it, and put some really cute bronze fox handles on it. That has to be my favorite piece in the nursery."
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KELLY: "Spence has been fascinated by the British television show One Born Every Minute. We’ve watched multiple episodes of families going through the birthing process. We’ve watched water births, c-sections, and natural births. Watching that many births has definitely made us both demystified and a lot more comfortable with the birthing process. I’ve been obsessed with parenting literature. Some of the better books I’ve read have been The Whole Brain Child and The Danish Way of Parenting."
SPENCER: "The best book I have read thus far has been French Kids Eat Everything. My cousin recommended it, and it really resonated with me. I will definitely be trying to implement the things I learned in that book. Kelly has been listening The Whole Brain Child on audio book, and I have joined him in listening to some of those chapters. It’s so interesting to think about the way you would like to parent."
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SPENCER: "Everything around parenting and pregnancy is based in heteronormative structures and language. Literally everything. I have just tried to let it wash over me. If I didn’t, I would probably be so angry or sad or some other emotion that I really don’t want to engage in. I feel very solid in my gender identity and have been blessed enough to have continued support from my family and friends around that. This has helped bolster my inner confidence, therefore I am able to engage in that type of language and not have it affect me."
KELLY: "Most parental books and literature don’t consider the varying models of families. They assume a home has a mom and dad. That parents are raising little cishet boys and girls. I think our world is a lot more dynamic than that. And I feel like we should treat little people with the same potential. And to answer your question yes, pregnancy, birthing, and parental literature for the most part often time falls short and leaves me feeling a bit let down in terms of their structure and language. Unsurprisingly, I’ve realized there aren't many queer parenting texts. A queer parenting text for me would be a piece of literature that isn’t gendered and doesn't assign gender roles to parents and children. It’s inspired me to do some writing of my own. I’ve also enjoyed talking with our medical practitioners about ways the hospital can make the journey of pregnancy a little bit easier to access and navigate for different types of families."
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SPENCER: "Daddy."
KELLY: "I think it would be nice if my child calls me dad. I feel like I identify with dad."
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SPENCER: "To be honest, my hospital experience has been amazing. We were lucky enough to be taken on as patients by the head of fetal medicine at the hospital we attend. He scooped us up at our 12-week appointment and has essentially walked two steps ahead of us into every situation. Hospital systems are the things that really need to be updated. It’s generally the system that doesn’t allow for diversity when it comes to gender markers. There has been some talk in my hospital of this changing, and everyone has been such strong advocates of this. I really hope it does for all the gender diverse folks that come after me."
KELLY: "Being queer bodies navigating the medical system is challenging. We’ve mainly had some great experiences, and it can feel a bit exhausting having to teach folks how to treat people with kindness and respect."
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SPENCER: "There are a handful of people both here in Australia and in San Francisco who I am sharing this journey with. I have an old friend who just gave birth to twins, and another newer friend who has a two-week-old. I had a visit from another trans guy and his four-month-old. There are a bunch of queers who are starting out on this journey, and it feels super special to offer love and support during this time."
KELLY: "Everyone has had their tinies early. Spence and I are kind of the last of our parental cohort to have our baby. I feel really excited to have all of our babies meet and hopefully grow up together."
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- SPENCER: "I have my family. I have cousins and friends with children who are so amazing and supportive to Kelly and I. I think they will be invaluable throughout this journey. Really though, we just have a strong network of friends. Friends who have kids but most who don’t. That’s who we get most of our support from. I think I am a person first and a parent second."
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- SPENCER: "Yes! I am a part of multiple Facebook groups of trans people having babies. One of those groups is solely for trans people who are carrying a child right now. There are probably about 35 people in that group worldwide. It’s been great to hear other guys experiences and be able to share my own experiences. I also know a couple of guys here in Australia who have been the gestational parent. Last year it was recorded that 21 men gave birth in Australia. In the past decade there have been 228 babies delivered to men. This is a medicare statistic, so these people have had a male gender marker registered through our national healthcare system."
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- SPENCER: "As soon as I feel well enough to go to my GP and get a prescription. I would say within the first two weeks of giving birth."
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- SPENCER: "Hmmm...I am excited for it to be gone, BUT I don’t hate it. I don’t love it either. It feels purposeful."
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SPENCER: "‘Just take it a day at a time’ and ‘Everyone feels uncomfortable at this stage.'"
KELLY: "'Enjoy the moments of quiet,' 'Sleep,' and 'Ask for help.'"
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KELLY: "We’ve received amazing patient care at our hospital. They’ve put us in touch with an awesome parental education facilitator. We’ve had some really helpful classes on feeding, sleeping, soothing, and swaddling techniques. There were great LGBTQI group classes offered in Sydney, but sadly they didn’t happen regularly or fit within our schedules."
SPENCER: "So Kelly and I were offered private classes with a magical educator at our hospital. We did a class on our birth process, one on caring for a newborn, and one on calming and settling. They were all amazing. It was really nice to have the one-on-one experience. It for sure made everything feel very real."
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SPENCER: "Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love this human any more. I have fallen more and more in love with Kelly every day. He has really been a dream partner. He is supportive, excited, adorable, and practical all at once. He stays so true to who he is, while also preparing to become a parent, which is going to add a whole other dimension to his existence. I can’t wait to parent with him. This has been a very long and at times a very difficult road. The potential for this particular journey to parenthood to break a relationship was real. We have evolved into something so magical through this adversity, it's beyond amazing."
KELLY: "I would say Spence and I have grown closer and are a lot more comfortable in our relationship. We’ve actually spent a lot of time together throughout this pregnancy. We’ve had lots of conversations about the types of parents we want to be and the kind of support we want to provide for one another. I’m really excited to watch Spence grow as a dad. I feel really lucky every day I get to be with Spence."
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- Make sure to come back next Thursday when we finally get to introduce you to the newest member of the Dezart-Smith family!
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So much to love here! Congratulations and cheers for baby! If we weren’t a world apart, I’d bring you a hot meal and a bottle of wine! And Kelly….love your shower outfit!