
Spencer and Kelly’s Pregnancy and Fatherhood Journey: The First Trimester
Written by Erin Feher
Photography by Peter Darnley-Stuart
Pregnancy and birth is a complex experience for any and all who journey through it. At Mother, we are constantly trying to bring as many of these diverse experiences to light, with the hope that every parent will at some point realize they are not alone in either their joys or their struggles, and also to engender empathy and understanding for people whose stories veer from the traditional, societally enforced narratives. Spencer Dezart-Smith is a software engineer living in Sydney, Australia. He’s lucky enough to be married to the love of his life—they met-cute at a San Francisco bar while he was traveling, and got married less than a year later in a proper English garden in Melbourne. Five years ago, they decided they wanted to start a family.
Spencer, born in the tiny Australian town of Blackheath, identifies as a queer male, while his husband, Kelly Dezart-Smith, also queer identifying, is a native of New Jersey born to Haitian immigrants. Spencer is also transgender—he underwent hormone therapy and a double mastectomy more than ten years ago, and has presented as 100% male ever since. But when the talk turned to starting a family, there was a biological reality that couldn’t be ignored: Theoretically, Spencer and Kelly could make a baby on their own, as Spencer was still physiologically equipped to get pregnant. While it was something he wouldn’t have considered prior to his transition, having lived securely and confidently as a male for over a decade had changed his perspective. “Now that I felt so strong in my male identity and was being read as male exclusively, I was able to view my ability to carry a child as a super power that I was blessed to have,” says Spencer. “It was like the innately female ability to bear a child didn’t overpower the certainty I felt in my male identity. The two things could coexist without one cancelling out the other.” So they went for it. But as millions of hopeful parents can attest, it’s not always that easy. And for Spencer, who had to stop the hormones that essentially gave him the confidence and security of his identity, it was at times excruciatingly difficult.
We are beyond honored that Spencer and Kelly agreed to open up their lives and their highly personal journey to us. We began photographing and interviewing them before most of their family and friends knew they were expecting, and continued throughout their entire pregnancy and beyond. Their candid, perceptive responses to our questions tell a story that is at once beautifully unique and completely relatable to any and all parents everywhere. While some of their struggles and experiences may seem radically different to some, their joys, fears, and hopes for their child and their future as a family are undeniably identical to those of any expectant parent. We invite you to follow along each week as they allow us into their home, their doctors’ offices, and their relationship, and cheer them on as they go through the experience of a lifetime. Click through the slideshow below to get to know Kelly and Spencer and learn about life during their first trimester.
This is part one in a five-part series.
Read Part Two: The Second Trimester, here.
Read Part Three: The Third Trimester, here.
Read Part Four: The Birth! here.
Read Part Five: Life as Dads, here.
- SPENCER (left): "I am originally from a tiny town called Blackheath. It’s located in a beautiful area called the Blue Mountains, which is about two hours west of Sydney, Australia. I am an only child who was raised by a single mother, but I am a part of a large and beautiful family. My mother was one of thirteen, six of them girls! I have the most perfect array of Aunties and more cousins than I could possibly ask for. There are a couple of them who are actually more akin to siblings rather than cousins—I never felt alone growing up! Professionally, I am a software engineer. I actually studied while I was living in San Francisco then got my first job back home in Sydney. I have just finished up my first year with the company. I have had many different careers before this one though, including youth worker, dairy farmer, barista and assistant general manger and server at a restaurant! I have finally found my true love in engineering. I couldn’t be happier."
- KELLY (right): "I was born in Jersey City, New Jersey, to Haitian immigrants. I’m a first generation American and deeply identify with my Haitian background. I grew up eating Haitian foods, my family spoke Creole at home, and everyone had a Caribbean accent. English wasn’t my first language, and I had to take ESL in primary school. I was raised on the East Coast and my family lived predominantly in New Jersey. I went to primary school, high school, and college in NJ. I graduated from Rutgers University with a BA in Art History and later went to graduate school for Traditional Chinese Medicine. I like to tell folks I work at the intersection of nightlife and the arts. I curate large scale public events for museums and galleries. I also co-run a small production company called Swagger Like Us. We produce public events that pertain to Queer Trans People of Color, their art and their stories."
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KELLY: "This is a question I rarely get asked, so thank you. I identify as Queer in regards to my sexuality and gender expression, and I prefer they/them pronouns."
SPENCER: "I identify as a Queer male. I use male pronouns exclusively."
- Enjoying the quiet moments while they can.
- KELLY: "San Francisco, the summer of 2011, Spencer was on a holiday from Melbourne, and in town for SF Pride. On Thursday night, I was at the queer party Ships in the Night giving away tickets to one of the numerous Pride events happening that weekend. I was having a conversation with a friend when this very handsome man—Spencer—approached me and asked if I would like a drink. I remember thinking his gesture was a form of modern-day chivalry. I ordered a Bullet neat. Moments later he was back with my drink. I said thank you and finished what I was saying to my friend. When I turned around to talk to Spence he had ran off and I couldn’t spot him in the bar. I had another engagement that night, so I had my drink and left. Fortunately the universe would continue to bring us together over the course of the next three days. We ran into one another on the street that Friday afternoon going to see Paris is Burning at the Castro Theatre. We chatted all the way down 18th street from South Van Ness to Castro Street. When we got to the theatre we actually didn’t even sit next to each other, lolz. We ran into each other later that evening at the nightclub Public Works. We actually had a dance and our first kiss on that dance floor. We even have a photograph of our first kiss, but I’m pretty sure I went home with someone else that night. Saturday we ran into each other again at the Dyke March in Dolores Park. Finally on Sunday night he sent me a text—after asking a mutual friend for my number—and asked what I was doing. I said hanging out with him, if he could find me in this packed bar. Within minutes he found me, and we left the bar together. We’ve kind of been together ever since then."
- SPENCER: "I was born female and identified that way for much of my life. I didn’t really know there was another way until much later in life. I would say that I was a tomboy during my childhood and adolescence. I wore boys clothing exclusively, played male roles in childhood games, and connected more with males my own age. When I was 17, I came out as a lesbian and started dating girls. This was how life went on until I met my first female-to-male transgender person when I was about 26. The idea that you could just identify as the gender you aligned with was mind blowing. I became obsessed with the idea. I researched everything about it, hormones, surgery, identity politics. I absorbed everything. Soon after that I started to identify as male. I changed my name and asked everyone to use male pronouns when referring to me. In the beginning I was afraid of the idea of medical intervention because I was scared I would become a monster. I had so much internalized transphobia at that point. A few years later I became more comfortable with who I was and sought out a doctor and began my medical transition. Approximately three weeks after starting testosterone injections I was read 100% as male by people on the street. My voice deepened a lot and my features became much more masculine. I was already pretty androgynous and also tall so the change for me was rapid. I had a double mastectomy one year later and had never felt more complete. I felt so happy in my skin. Not long after that my identity shifted again from being attracted to women to exclusively dating men, so I came out as gay! My poor mother. This is how I have been since then. I identify as queer now, but still am attracted primarily to male identified people."
- KELLY: "We quickly realized being in an international relationship came with many challenges, borders being one. Shortly after meeting, I had taken a sabbatical from my grad program and lived in Melbourne with Spence for six months, which is the longest an American can stay consecutively in Australia on just a tourist visa. Before dating Spence, I had never considered getting married, and actually thought it was the least radical thing one could do. It’s funny now, ‘cause I actually think getting married was the most subversive act I’ve ever done. Marriage allowed us to cross borders and give our relationship a proper go. Also, I was madly in love with Spence and remembered thinking if I were ever to marry, it would probably be to this dude. We were married as ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ March 17, 2012. Same-sex marriage wasn’t legal yet in Australia or the United States. So this was kind of our only option at the time. Also, this would later be an amazing loophole that would later allow Spence to immigrate to the United States before DOMA was repealed because it was seen as unconstitutional. We had a very small wedding in Melbourne with like eight guests including Spence, myself, and the celebrant. It took place in a proper English garden in Footscray Park. It was a very fashionable affair with some of our closest friends."
- KELLY: "Presently we’re based in Sydney. After living in San Francisco for 6 years, we decided to move back to Australia to be closer to family and for a new work opportunity for Spence. We’ve been settling in to life here, moved our cats from America, and have just completed our first trimester. I’m feeling pretty excited to start sharing our news with our family and friends."
- Spencer and Kelly's lovely light-filled house in Sydney.
- SPENCER: "I have always wanted to be a parent. I think when I was dating women as a woman I didn’t want to be the gestational parent but I still wanted very much to have a family. I couldn’t imagine the idea of carrying a child. The whole thing felt way too feminine to me. I think I was trying so hard to reject the feminine parts of myself that I couldn’t even entertain the thought. Strangely enough, after my transition I began to change my perspective. Now that I felt so strong in my male identity and was being read as male exclusively, I was able to view my ability to carry a child as a super power that I was blessed to have. It was like the innately female ability to bear a child didn’t overpower the certainty I felt in my male identity. The two things could coexist without one cancelling out the other."
- KELLY: "To be honest, I didn’t always want to be a parent. I’m pretty radical in my thinking and thought for a long time that children and marriage supported patriarchal systems. I now realize that the system was also designed to make me think that I wasn’t worthy of raising children or being married. The system made me think of myself as unfit for either of those conventions. But the reality is, I can be radical in my thinking, want to dismantle the patriarchy, be married, and have a child. All those things can exist simultaneously and do exist in me. I also think my desire to be a parent evolved and grew deeper as my relationship with Spencer grew. Spence is the kindest, gentlest, and most nurturing man I’ve ever known, and our home reflects that energy. It’s the home I’ve always wanted to be brought up in and now get to live in."
- SPENCER: "I will be one of this baby’s two fathers."
- SPENCER: "In reality, the process of getting pregnant has been at times difficult in regards to my identity. I never expected that getting pregnant would take this long—five years. For a trans man who is on hormone replacement therapy to try to get pregnant, you need to stop all medication and wait until your cycle comes back and regulates and then you can try. Sounds pretty straight forward, but there are so many emotional and physical aspects that go along with this. Physically, your face softens, facial hair growth will slow down, muscle mass and strength can decrease, and your fat will redistribute to more of a female shape, i.e. around the hips. Emotionally it can be a rollercoaster. You start to feel uncertain about yourself, cry more–or all the time in my case—feel overwhelmed with body dysmorphia, and generally revert back to feeling like you did back when you wanted to change!"
- SPENCER: "So, the first time we tried to get pregnant I thought this would be a relatively quick process and I would be back on T (testosterone) in no time. This was not the case. We found out there were some fertility issues and IVF was our only option. I was off T for two years that time. I found it so hard. I wanted a baby but I felt like I was losing myself. I became introverted and unhappy. I stopped going to the gym because I felt like there was no point. After an unsuccessful round of IVF I went back on T. It wasn’t long before I started feeling better. The next time I went off was about one year later. This time I knew what to expect and did a lot of things differently. I kept working out the same as I had been, and my body really didn’t change that much. We had a therapist with whom I was able to talk through all my feelings. Many IVF attempts later, and now I am pregnant. I don’t know how I will feel being a visibly pregnant man. I’ll probably just tell people that I’ve really started to enjoy beer."
- Kitty has no idea what's coming!
- SPENCER: "This is our second time being pregnant. We were pregnant with our second round of IVF, but unfortunately we miscarried at eight weeks. We had two frozen embryo transfers after that with no success. This pregnancy was from our third fresh cycle and was the only embryo that made it to day five. Kelly was in the States during this cycle, which was hard. He had been to every single appointment previously, so at times it felt like a lonely process. I actually didn’t think it had worked. The day before we were due to have a blood test to find out whether it had stuck, I started bleeding. I couldn’t believe it. I thought this whole journey was over. I was ready to stop taking all the medication and just start moving on, but something told me to take a home pregnancy test just to be sure. I walked to the pharmacy, the whole way I was telling myself things like 'You will move on.' 'You will start hormones again and go back to your happy life.' etc. When I got home I took the test and BANG a second line came up IMMEDIATELY! I couldn’t believe it. I was pregnant! But I was also bleeding. I called Kelly who was on a video shoot and he told me to call the nurse. She was so sweet and told me that bleeding can be normal and to try to relax as much as possible. The bleeding stopped after about two hours and here I am, still pregnant."
- In his career as a party producer, Kelly has long gone by the moniker Kelly Lovemonster—soon he'll have a junior.
- SPENCER: "Tomorrow we will be 11 weeks. That feels wild. Again, I am still a bag of nerves and while Kelly and I decided we would just enjoy this time while it’s happening, I still struggle to let myself truly believe. My nausea has for sure started to decrease. I can have a couple of days with nothing but it has tended to return for a day or two randomly. I have started to wean from my progesterone supplements, which feels like a massive achievement. I am slowly starting to think about whether I will announce this pregnancy to the world or just quietly to friends. I am also wondering how the hell I will announce this to my bosses. This is not really a conversation you expect to have to have, or one that my bosses would expect to hear. I will probably begin with something like 'I guarantee this will be the strangest thing you will hear in your entire working lives…' I am just taking things a day at a time."
- KELLY: "I should say that very early on in our relationship Spence and I decided to start talk therapy together. We began when nothing was necessarily wrong. We are a very dynamic couple in that we’re interracial, intercultural, and have our own unique traumas that life brings. I’m glad we were able to recognize that. Getting pregnant was a very long and complicated journey. After a year of trying and being unsuccessful, we went to see a fertility specialist. We learned that having a baby wasn’t going to be as easy as just having sex while Spence was ovulating. The process of IVF was challenging and at times put a strain on our relationship. Having a therapist who was an advocate for our relationship was one of the best decisions we made. While we were going through the process of IVF we had tools, a routine, and someone who was keeping us accountable for doing our own work. Our therapist was truly a gift from Gaia."
- SPENCER: "I have been nauseous since six weeks. It is the middle of summer here in Australia, which has been torturous at times. I am so exhausted but my sleep is horrible. Between the heat and waking up to pee, I usually get only around 6.5 hours a night. I wish I could nap, but I work full time so that’s out of the question."
- Four hands etched with history and meaning.
- SPENCER: "Before my pregnancy I followed a strict ketogenic diet. I ate about 20 grams of carbs per day. I had been that way for about 6 months. When the morning sickness hit all I could think about was granola and toast with Vegemite. It was crazy! Now at 11 weeks I am just starting to be able to eat salad and other things. It’s been cereal and bread almost exclusively. Who have I become?!"
- SPENCER: "So many things excite me about parenthood. Traveling with my child all over the world. Them with a little suitcase chasing Kelly and I through the airport. All three of us reading books on the bed together. Talking at the dinner table. Looking at Kelly and looking at the little person who was created out of the exceptional love we feel for one another. Telling stories. There is actually nothing about parenthood that doesn’t excite me at this moment. I am sure that will change."
- Off to the doctor's office.
- SPENCER: "We saw the baby with a strong heartbeat at eight weeks and five days. Everything was measuring perfectly. With a previous miscarriage, it's difficult to just let the excitement wash over me. I’m nervous. I read statistics and other people's stories all the time. This is actually a really bad habit, but to be honest, I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even really understand how it serves me. Hopefully I will let go of these feelings after our 12 week scan."
- Kelly and Spencer say they have found a medical team that is wonderfully supportive.
- SPENCER: "There is nothing I am nervous about in regards to parenthood at this point."
- KELLY: "So many things. I’m actually excited to introduce our tiny to our network of family and friends. Our child is about to be surrounded by some of the most creative, magical, and fierce people in the world. They are going to be brought up in a home where they’ll have space to explore themselves and their interests. They are also about to have two amazing dads that want nothing more than to nurture them in all the ways they will need and want to be nurtured."
- Hey there, baby!
- KELLY: "Anyone who has tried to become a parent will tell you there are an endless amount of things you can be nervous about. I’m trying my best to not focus on those things. I’m more invested in focusing on ways to foster an environment that will give my child the love, care, and support they will need."
- SPENCER: "Our NT scan is scheduled for 12 weeks and 5 days. That to me feels like the biggest milestone. If we hit that I feel like the rest is history."
- KELLY: "I guess I’m looking forward to getting through all the doctor visits and tests that compose your second trimester. I just want Spence to have a really easy and smooth pregnancy. I’m also looking forward to our baby shower. I love a party."
- Make sure to come back next Thursday when we check in on Spencer and Kelly and they share the next phase of their pregnancy journey!
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This is just so, so lovely.
This is beautiful. Thanks for telling their story. And extra thanks to them for sharing!
AMAZING! Thank you so much for sharing this lovely couple & their fascinating journey.
This is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing different journeys to parenthood. And many many thanks to them for sharing their story! Sending all the hugs and love!
Amazing!! I am so excited for you two. Thank-you for sharing your story. What a beautiful family full of love
Wow, looking forward to the next installment! Good luck Spencer and Kelly!!
This series is so, so magical – and, candidly, not something I expected to see on this site given most of its previous coverage. Sending great vibes and good wishes to these two awesome dads. Very excited for you both.
This is the best thing Mother Mag has done. Love it so much and can’t wait for the next instalment. What a beautiful story !!!
Hi! I never, never, never leave comments but THIS IS SO AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. Your child will CHANGE THE WORLD because their parents already are. Best wishes from Kentucky!
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story!